Ok, so you want drama, Ill give you all my drama. The fact of the matter is this is the only place sometimes that I can put my problems out there and know that Im not going to be judged and I can be completely honest, you all know I do (well I used to as I have dissappeared) blog therapy alot, because I feel I HAVE to be strong to the real world, I have to be the best, the smartest, the coolest, and NEVER let anyone see me hurt. Its really really really hard sometimes and well thats why I used to shut most people out of my life, because I felt like I failed from the get go, so to avoid that failure I would just put myself out of the situation. Well as I said in my last post I am putting myself out there and trying to learn who I am regardless of if I fall flat on my face.
...well I feel like that is what I am doing right now, falling FLAT on my face - and guess what it really sucks, I don't like it, I don't like feeling out of control and rejected and all those things, it just brings me back to square one for a period, I may as well be 285 pounds right now if that makes any sence. And sadly how am I medicating these feelings?? Well I have tried several things so I will give me that, one is I have been trying to distract myself from the situation ya know going out with my friends as much as possible - not helping, then I had a one on one talk with my ex who really can be helpful and like a very close friend as he knows me much better than most people - still not better, and I have also tried to work out like a crazy person to pump endorphines in me and fix it, but still to no avail I am freaking and guess whats beside me right now, a pint of pumpkin ice cream and empty king sized reeses and a mini box of sandies cookies - I am using food, I gave in and I know that its more than likely not going to help either so why do I end up going to it??
I guess I need to explain what the hell is wrong with me. . . .
So about 5 or so weeks ago I went to a party with a friend and there were alot of people I had known prior to beth's big dissappearence (aka I got really fat and didnt want ANYONE to see me) well I met this guy. This is how my friend explains it, she watched us interact with eachother then looked at him and thought hmm she looked at me and thought hmmm ... the next thing we were both pulling her to the side to talk about each other. We clicked instantly, he would start a story and I would know the ending, we danced and talked all night and we had soo0o0o much in common. He has graduated with a buisness and spanish degree I am an international studies and spanish major, we have similar interests, he is very active as I am, he loves to travel and you all know how much I want to see the world, he wants to go to Spain to teach English for a year, I teach english at a community center here. And we made out and it was obvious we have a very good physical connection!!
So I texted him the next week and said we should hang out sometime and he responds yea lets hang out this weekend. We do and its the same we talk, we dance, we make out! And I tell him he needs to take me out on a date that week - I mean this is not beth this is super beth, old beth used to be waaayy too scared of rejection to do something like that!! We go to the movies, he pays for the tickets but we literally go to the movie and leave with like no time to talk so needless to say I was a bit dissappointed. but when we left he kissed me and told me he was going to be out of town that weekend and not to do anything he wouldnt do (which I took as a dont be crazy without me or whatever - you know what that means)
My drunk ass calls him and talks to him on Friday and then I go to a party that our mutual friend has and well one guy gives everyone a nickname, and M's is Pollo and soon they start calling me Polla like pretty much coupling us up and I didnt want that, I didnt want to rush into things ya know!!
I also hear that they are all talking about us outside of when we are together like its really a big deal I mean we just have a rediculous connection I guess and as my friend says everyone can see it.
Well M has one big problem he acts like he is ALL about me when we are together and even in front of his friends acts like we are together, but he NEVER texts me first, he never does anything and it was starting to bother me by that point. So that was the week of Halloween and I just didnt text him because I dont want to be needy or let him know that Im strung out and hes got me.
Halloween beth downs a good third of a bottle of tequila with no dinner ( I tried to have some steak stirfry and it didnt work out). I got hammered. when M shows up I try to act like I didnt see him and ignore him and he comes up to me and is like, "oh so now you are gonna act like you dont me??",and procedes to give me a hug and a kiss in front of everyone!!! and asks me why we havent seen each other for a week and a half. .... WTF??!!! So needless to say not too long after that I hang out with the porcelain gods for umm .... 2 hours until they force me to go to the living room because apparently people need to pee. So I am being fed water and people are trying to force me to be sich while I spout off rediculous shit that I am too embarassed to say and giving M a really really hard time like telling him his spanish has nothing on mine and spouting off curse words in spanish, I mean really I was just crazy and M says, this is why I love this girl, she is wasted and is still talking shit - see he totally gets me, he loves that Im sassy and appreciates it even. Then once Im not such a shit show I force my friend to leave cause I feel bad that she is taking care of me and then M stays on a futon with me, makes out with me for several hours after I had vommed no less, tells me that since im 4 times drunker than he that we shouldnt do anything and cuddles with me all night!!
That week I asked him to dinner, he goes and honestly it was good, we have good conversation and the kiss goodnight was hot!!
Friday he even texted me asking what I was doing and asked me to a soccer game the next day or at least to go with out group of friends, but I had to work and we were going to meet up that night, i sent him 2 text messages and a voicemail with no answer and early in the morning he says he fell asleep early. I dont see him all weekend and my feelings are honestly hurt. On sunday I ask him what he is doing cause I am sick of studying and wanted a distraction and he says he has plans and blows me off. I delete his number. Not because im mad, but because I needed to take away the possiblity of texting him.
Finally I brake down on Wednesday and see if hes going to this party he says not until really late so I decide im not going to go. Then when he is on his way he asks if Im going and I decided (NOTE: this is when it gets real embarassinng so please dont judge too much and dont make me feel worse than I already do ok) that I just wanted it so I told him I wasnt going to go unless I could take him home with me after. He says yes, I go over. He talks to his friends saying how beautiful I am and acts like we are together with his arms around me and even calls me his girl to his friends. We start talking and he says, "I know you want more from me, you want to hang out more but there's a method to my madness. You want the wedding and I cant give that to you Im going to Spain and I dont want any strings attached." OK so can we say mixed signals??? In the car ride he tells me I better be cool because if something happens and I end up having one of his kids .... really why would you say that?? He tells me things like he is mad because he likes me so much, but then tells me he went to dinner with my sister, basically someone he is working with right now who apparently acts just like me.
Well anyway we go to my place and start messing around and long story short when I go to get the safety devices ... about 5 mins of making out after - not having used them at all yet he says its really late and we should go to sleep. !!!??? I just basically told you I was going to give it to you and you want to go to sleep?? So in the morning I am seriously frustrated ... sexually frustrated I mean and I try to initiate it again we make out and stuff and then he tries to tell me to go down there and "wake him up" which ohhh hell no!! so it takes me awhile to even want to do anything after that but by that point I am just so um well ya know revved up that I didnt really care, and I gp to touch him and then I realize the boy is not turned on if you know what 'i mean!! ( this is really embarassing and bad) so he says hes just really hung over and he holds me and we go back to sleep. When we wake up I tell him that Im mad at him and how everyone thinks we did it an we didnt and everything Im thinking, as that is how I am - he tells me you had halloween I had last night, now we are even. I take him back to his car he asks me what im doing that weekend and and kisses me goodbye. He sent me a text later that day saying he didnt get to go back to sleep. And I have not heard from him since.
So I feel utterly rejected and I am really sensitive about my body as it is not what a 22 year old body should look like, I have loose skin and stretchmarks and serious damage, and so part of me keeps telling myself that he had a malfunction due to that, that he is just not attracted to me. I feel really rejected and stupid and confused and I don't understand what is going on and I dont know what to do. My friend used to date his friend and he says that M is a real good guy, doesnt mistreat or talk shit about women and that he is legit, but then I am getting messed with. I dont know if he is just a jerk and is playing with me or if he really likes me and is scared to death or did like me until he saw my body but I do know is that I feel like shit!!! My brain says to run away or to get him back by flirting with his friends and that it needs to be over because I am just going to get hurt. But my heart keeps telling me there is something, we really do get each other and my heart tells me to give him a chance to have patience to let go of the fear and the need to control, my heart gives him every chance he would want and forgets how vaulnerable I feel the moment I see him, my heart told me I could really fall in love with this man and could marry him, which was why I freaked when he said that I wanted the wedding, I know I didnt tell anyone that and I have a hard time thinking that he can read me that well already considering I make it a very consious effort to keep my cool when Im around him.I dont know what to do, but now I am punishing myself hardcore I need his validation and is it killing me, not only because Im not getting it, but also because I would be like that. I pride myself on being strong and in control not a "girl" and right now thats all Im acting like, a pathetic little girl. And it just keeps going back to my body, he couldnt stay hard because I was that unattractive to him and even 100 pounds down Im still not hot enough and my body will never look like that of someone who was never obese and he is VERY athletic and built and works very hard and could want someone whose body is at that level and even if my athletism is at his level, my body is not and unless I have multiple surgeries and laser treatments it never will be. I know I dont want him if hes that shallow, but the truth is im just punishing myself, maybe Id rather him hate my body than just not be interested in me? My ego is hurt baaaad, and my heart is very dissappointed.
I wish there was an easy way to fix this, but there isnt and I dont even know the right thing to do. I know if he doesnt want me than I should not want him,I should want someone who adores everything about me and makes me feel good, but my heart keeps telling me that he is that and that there is just something keeping him from giving me that - damn my heart, my heart is stupid ...
my ticker
So here I sit, I year, 5 months after surgery, 97 or so pounds down and still, I have NOT completely understood that I cannot 1.) eat certain foods 2.) eat more than a half a cup of food. In front of me sits an almost full cup of french fries, and a not even touched basket of bonless barbeque wings. It sounded so0o0o good and I got them. I know ,I know its a horrible choice, but I will tell you I cannot even remember the last time I had either item so don't judge me too hard. But anyway, I had umm I would say 6 french fries and now I sit, not hurting, not regretting it, but filled. I know if I have another bite it will be only of question of how long it will be til Im running to the bathroom. The barbeque smells so good, Im contemplating licking it.
So there ya go, for all you newbies and perspective bandsters know that everyone reverts, thats why we have a band.
.... Now what am I gonna do with all this food ??? uff
So there ya go, for all you newbies and perspective bandsters know that everyone reverts, thats why we have a band.
.... Now what am I gonna do with all this food ??? uff
Well I dissappeared from blog world for a while. I guess you could say Im trying to find my place in the real world and well sometimes I am not so good at balancing things. I noticed I have gotten ALOT of new followers, so to those of you have started following me thankyou for your interst in my journey!! There are so many things I need to catch you all up on, but I'm still not ready to process the world Im living in right now, its crazy, fun, exciting, confusing, and scary all at the same time.
I spent my whole life as the fat girl, it was part of my identity and even as I was taking this journey, losing weight I was still that fat girl. I have lost 50 pounds here and there alot of my life so doing that was just another round of beth's yo-yo. But now, a year and a half almost out of surgery and I have NEVER gained more than 5 lbs since my surgery I recognize that the yo-yo is gone, I took it threw it on the ground stomped on it and broke it into smitherines!! That is so releiving, I am no longer waiting for the ball to drop on my weightloss, I know that even if I never lost one more pound, I will not be back on the upswing. I will chill at 185 just fine. And although I've spent months between the 191 188 range Im ok with that, well Im not angry about it at least.
Back to what I was going to say, I didnt even recognize that I was not a fatty anymore until September, so this is a new world for me. And I feel like I am a 16 year old girl trying to find her way in the world. I dont know who I am I know who fat beth is, but who is thin Beth?? There are alot of things about fat Beth that I love and that will be coming with me, but there were alot of things about her that I really dont like. I dont like how hard she was on herself or that she pushed people away. I dont like how scared and fragile and negative she was. I am ready to enjoy my life, to open up, to have friends and bonds and allow people in enough to help me when I am down and root for me when I am up. This may seem strange to many of you but in my world for a long time, all I had was me. I didnt let too many others in and I NEVER let them in enough that is would break me when they hurt me. I had learned from past experiences that people were cruel and that I was expendable and that they would hurt me if it would suit them. I think I was an easy target, its easy to pick on the fat girl or the dorky boy or the ugly kid; but I internalized that into being hard stand offish and well unapproachable. I have talked about this before, I no longer want to be that person, everyday I try to be warmer, to SMILE ( I know that sounds silly but at first even that was something I had to think about doing at first ), I try to show people that I appreciate them, I give out compliments, I strike conversations, I actually connect with people. Its hard for me. But I even put myself in positions that would make me uncomfortable, because I need to learn that I am not being judged and that I will survive. I walk around campus with ice cream and eat it infront of people, I text boys and ask them out, I went down town in a little bity dress - that was very hard for me, but no one even looked at me wierd, a few girls just told me I was brave because it was cooooold!! And the most brave thing I do I tell people that I think I look good, I say Im hot or I have a nice features - I compliment myself and I am confident and encouraging to myself publically. That is something that is always been hard, I mean I never wanted to be the girl who thought she looked good and talked herself up, but everyone talked about her behind her back ya know??
Everyday I walk forward and I try new things and sometimes I fall flat on my face, sometimes I get embarassed, I do something stupid or even fail at what I try, but I get back up dust myself off and learn from it. Its hard to grow its hard to relearn who you are. Somedays I want to stop I want to be old Beth and stay in my bedroom and stay away from people, go hide for awhile, not call a friend just brood and hate myself. But I wont allow that anymore, I deserve to have the life I want, I deserve to find happiness, to have friends and family and love. Nothing is easy, losing the weight doesnt solve all of your problems, but now I allow myself to move forward to learn and grow and not use my weight as a crutch and a shield. I dont know really where I am going, who I am going to be or where this road will take me, but I have faith that its the right direction and that no matter where it takes me I will enjoy it and life will be good.
I spent my whole life as the fat girl, it was part of my identity and even as I was taking this journey, losing weight I was still that fat girl. I have lost 50 pounds here and there alot of my life so doing that was just another round of beth's yo-yo. But now, a year and a half almost out of surgery and I have NEVER gained more than 5 lbs since my surgery I recognize that the yo-yo is gone, I took it threw it on the ground stomped on it and broke it into smitherines!! That is so releiving, I am no longer waiting for the ball to drop on my weightloss, I know that even if I never lost one more pound, I will not be back on the upswing. I will chill at 185 just fine. And although I've spent months between the 191 188 range Im ok with that, well Im not angry about it at least.
Back to what I was going to say, I didnt even recognize that I was not a fatty anymore until September, so this is a new world for me. And I feel like I am a 16 year old girl trying to find her way in the world. I dont know who I am I know who fat beth is, but who is thin Beth?? There are alot of things about fat Beth that I love and that will be coming with me, but there were alot of things about her that I really dont like. I dont like how hard she was on herself or that she pushed people away. I dont like how scared and fragile and negative she was. I am ready to enjoy my life, to open up, to have friends and bonds and allow people in enough to help me when I am down and root for me when I am up. This may seem strange to many of you but in my world for a long time, all I had was me. I didnt let too many others in and I NEVER let them in enough that is would break me when they hurt me. I had learned from past experiences that people were cruel and that I was expendable and that they would hurt me if it would suit them. I think I was an easy target, its easy to pick on the fat girl or the dorky boy or the ugly kid; but I internalized that into being hard stand offish and well unapproachable. I have talked about this before, I no longer want to be that person, everyday I try to be warmer, to SMILE ( I know that sounds silly but at first even that was something I had to think about doing at first ), I try to show people that I appreciate them, I give out compliments, I strike conversations, I actually connect with people. Its hard for me. But I even put myself in positions that would make me uncomfortable, because I need to learn that I am not being judged and that I will survive. I walk around campus with ice cream and eat it infront of people, I text boys and ask them out, I went down town in a little bity dress - that was very hard for me, but no one even looked at me wierd, a few girls just told me I was brave because it was cooooold!! And the most brave thing I do I tell people that I think I look good, I say Im hot or I have a nice features - I compliment myself and I am confident and encouraging to myself publically. That is something that is always been hard, I mean I never wanted to be the girl who thought she looked good and talked herself up, but everyone talked about her behind her back ya know??
Everyday I walk forward and I try new things and sometimes I fall flat on my face, sometimes I get embarassed, I do something stupid or even fail at what I try, but I get back up dust myself off and learn from it. Its hard to grow its hard to relearn who you are. Somedays I want to stop I want to be old Beth and stay in my bedroom and stay away from people, go hide for awhile, not call a friend just brood and hate myself. But I wont allow that anymore, I deserve to have the life I want, I deserve to find happiness, to have friends and family and love. Nothing is easy, losing the weight doesnt solve all of your problems, but now I allow myself to move forward to learn and grow and not use my weight as a crutch and a shield. I dont know really where I am going, who I am going to be or where this road will take me, but I have faith that its the right direction and that no matter where it takes me I will enjoy it and life will be good.
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