Hi everyone, just thought I would check in :)
So I do keep up and read your blogs ... I have become one of those silent voyeuristic creepers ;) ... The reason I do not blog too often is that I don't have internet at home right now. I was stealing internet from my neighbors, but I live on campus and they left for summer so now I am totally disconnected from the world until I get to work, and we are typically super busy so I don’t get alot of downtime to post. Buuut the good thing about blogs are I can read them in about two minutes usually so in between calls I can get in one blog when we're slow so that’s what I do.
So what new with me ......
Well I am having a good week weight loss wise. I lost 4 count them 4 pounds this week!!! yes em I saw 193 something this morning - haven’t been in the lower 190's since ahh December. So that is good, a little aggravating that it has taken me this long to get my act together but its coming along and I’m ready to ride out this good spree. Because I rode out that plateau for 4 months and the evil dark period( the gain) for four more months, so I think I deserve a little stellar weight loss period of four months too right (we'll see if that happens). Some things I have changed - I upped the cardio to 45 mins and I want to do it daily, but unfortunately it usually only happens about 3 -4 times a week, but I thinks that’s still pretty good right!! I am trying ohh so hard to make good decisions, aaaand another big thing is right now I am broke as a joke (aka I don’t even have internet!!!) so I have been looking at my spending and for a girl with a tiny stomach I have been spending an INSANE amount on food, and what is worse its all JUNK and I know it - when I am buying fast food or restaurants its more than like 85% of the time solid waste!! So that is another thing I keep in mind I am packing my food for work and I allow ZERO cash aka no vending machines and now I am even putting my cards in the freezer (AKA freezing my assets) and not bringing the card to work - if I don’t have the money than the option to go over to the Chick-Fil-A and get a banana pudding shake (which by the way don't even try it is pure crack once you get it you are a gonner) is not there and I save myself 5 dollars, alot of guilt, and 1000's of calories. In the mornings I am the most optimistic, upbeat, I am gonna conquer the world person so I am ridiculously good at packing healthy band friendly waist friendly foods, its that 2:00 whisper that kills me so now that whisper can come but its got Nooo options. Until I am stronger than it this is my best option.
Also my vacation is in 13 days!!!!!!! Yes in less that 2 weeks I will be on a beach in a BIKINI and well that whisper has taken over. Its kind of sad I will be walking around doing chores in my apartment and then just go into my bathroom, pull up my shirt and think ... are you really gonna do this ... are you really gonna wear a BIKINI?!! I want to and I am, buuut I am nervous as hell. Especially since when I told my mother a few months ago that I was working really hard so I could wear a bikini on vacation her response was - "well don’t embarrass the people your going with" :S ohh mothers and I even told her how rude that was and her response is "if your mom can't tell ya who can" I love her but she has not even one nurturing bone in her body!!!! But I bought them yesterday 1 pair of bottoms a bikini halter top and a tankini top and two cover ups - Victoria's Secret (go big or go home I figured) and yea 200.00 + dollars later I better make it count I better wear them and love them and not feel a bit of insecurity. I am gonna be the hottest I have ever been and even if that doesn't make me ready to model those bikinis its gonna have be enough. My stomach is pretty flat that’s not really my main concern its those horrible stretch marks - my cross to bare my , punishment for 22 years of obesity. I’ve been putting on this cream that’s supposed to help and I think its dulling the ones on my stomach but the ones on my side and hips are terrible!!!!!
But any-hoo my life is pretty average I’m still having fun, but I am trying to bring it to a minimum, I’ve given up on the whole male race so that just alleviated an exuberant amount of stress. I’m a work-a-holic (seriously 60 hr work weeks) and well I am really getting into a groove weight loss wise. I really want to do this challenge with ya'll but if I do I better rush to a place with wifi take a picture of me on the scale and book it no?!
Ohhh also I have been missing so I was obviously oblivious to BOOBS :( ... and then when I returned I didn’t think I could budget a trip like that, buuuut I think there is a Pit Bull concert that weekend and a group of my friends want to go. I CANNOT pass up a chance to see Pit Bull and Enrique Iglesias in concert and if that means I could stop by for some BOOBS events well that would be all the better. Now under my budget I just can’t see me doing the hotel I need to stay at some cheap-o place outside the city probably with my friends buut I would love to make an appearance and see all your lovely faces and see how much you have shrank in the last year!!!!!!
my ticker
Good evening my fine feathered friends,
Look I didn't just check in with hollow promises of being back just to dissapear again for several month... aren't you proud of me????
.... Anyways I have been thinking, very very very hard about why I have been stuck in this rut (which has been going on six months now, OMG, six months of ZERO loss - ahhh), and not the emotion part, I am aware of my pathetic emotional instability, and well that may be a factor, I admit that, I know it, I have even posted about it. The emotional state I have been in may have contributed to the promblem, but lets get real, one thing does not lead to a 15 pound weight gain and 6 month plateau, no there were several factors, and now I think its time I took a looong look into them so that I can be aware of them so the next time some silly boy tells me he doesn't want to date and my drama queen 13 year old has a six month tantrum I can lean on other good habits to at least maintain (and the hope is by the next time that or some other life self created drama comes I will be at goal so maintance is all that is necessary)
1. I went from being focused only on weightloss to being completely focused on my social life. I need to recognize something, I AM NOT GOOD AT BALANCE. I do not know how to balance watching my weight, making good decisions, and going out, having lunches with friends, going out dancing, drinking and being social. I need to find a way to do them both. I really really need to learn that I do not need to drink when I am out with my friends. Itis really a foreign concept to be out at a bar or be around others drinking and I am not. Its not that I am an alcoholic, but I do like to drink and when you are out, its so easy for a friend to buy you a drink and then I am drinking so I just keep ordering more and more until the next thing I know I've had 5 vodka and soda's (ooops). Then there's the pressure I feel - why are you not drinking?? When we are out if I just say Im not drinking its like I just grew a big wart on nose. If I say anything about not drinking because Im watching my weight its even worse, because I "already look good." Then there's food. When I am out with my friends they want to go out to eat, so do I. But I have a hard time with going out. If I get something healthy I will eat about a half a cup of food, then there are the "you are not eating" looks. And sometimes I just want to eat like normal, so I get foods that slide, foods that are not the healthiest. Or they will get a dessert, ohh my biggest weakness I have a really hard time saying no.
2. I got lazy!! I will admit it, it was winter time and I didnt want to go out. So I would miss a training session a week. Iwould just not go to the gym for a few days, then the days became weeks. I don't like the cold, when its cold I don't want to move I just want to cuddle under a blanket in front of the TV with warm cookies from the oven.
3. Food: I am sick of the same foods, I am sick of having to eat protein bars and diet food, I am SICK of being so restricted!!! What has been happening lately is I tell myself I will eat really good (which means the same bland eggs with a little pepper or turkey bacon, and cottage cheese, and salads) and then I just cannot eat them, I will literally cook myself something and look at it, have a few bites and then just throw it away, in 30 mins when Im hungry then Im snacking on candy and cookies and everything that is the opposite of what was planned. Then I have ruined my day so I just eat more junk. Then the next day the leftover junk is there lingering, whispering sweat nothings in my ear I want to choose the good food, but honestly the good food has been so0o0o0o unappetixing lately therefore I start this viscious cycle again!
So there ya have it, I need find a way to go out without blowing my diet, I need to move, and I need to find new foods and not be so darned strict that I swing to the dark side and eat 1,000's of calories more than Ishould in a day ... now time to find a new plan ....
Look I didn't just check in with hollow promises of being back just to dissapear again for several month... aren't you proud of me????
.... Anyways I have been thinking, very very very hard about why I have been stuck in this rut (which has been going on six months now, OMG, six months of ZERO loss - ahhh), and not the emotion part, I am aware of my pathetic emotional instability, and well that may be a factor, I admit that, I know it, I have even posted about it. The emotional state I have been in may have contributed to the promblem, but lets get real, one thing does not lead to a 15 pound weight gain and 6 month plateau, no there were several factors, and now I think its time I took a looong look into them so that I can be aware of them so the next time some silly boy tells me he doesn't want to date and my drama queen 13 year old has a six month tantrum I can lean on other good habits to at least maintain (and the hope is by the next time that or some other life self created drama comes I will be at goal so maintance is all that is necessary)
1. I went from being focused only on weightloss to being completely focused on my social life. I need to recognize something, I AM NOT GOOD AT BALANCE. I do not know how to balance watching my weight, making good decisions, and going out, having lunches with friends, going out dancing, drinking and being social. I need to find a way to do them both. I really really need to learn that I do not need to drink when I am out with my friends. Itis really a foreign concept to be out at a bar or be around others drinking and I am not. Its not that I am an alcoholic, but I do like to drink and when you are out, its so easy for a friend to buy you a drink and then I am drinking so I just keep ordering more and more until the next thing I know I've had 5 vodka and soda's (ooops). Then there's the pressure I feel - why are you not drinking?? When we are out if I just say Im not drinking its like I just grew a big wart on nose. If I say anything about not drinking because Im watching my weight its even worse, because I "already look good." Then there's food. When I am out with my friends they want to go out to eat, so do I. But I have a hard time with going out. If I get something healthy I will eat about a half a cup of food, then there are the "you are not eating" looks. And sometimes I just want to eat like normal, so I get foods that slide, foods that are not the healthiest. Or they will get a dessert, ohh my biggest weakness I have a really hard time saying no.
2. I got lazy!! I will admit it, it was winter time and I didnt want to go out. So I would miss a training session a week. Iwould just not go to the gym for a few days, then the days became weeks. I don't like the cold, when its cold I don't want to move I just want to cuddle under a blanket in front of the TV with warm cookies from the oven.
3. Food: I am sick of the same foods, I am sick of having to eat protein bars and diet food, I am SICK of being so restricted!!! What has been happening lately is I tell myself I will eat really good (which means the same bland eggs with a little pepper or turkey bacon, and cottage cheese, and salads) and then I just cannot eat them, I will literally cook myself something and look at it, have a few bites and then just throw it away, in 30 mins when Im hungry then Im snacking on candy and cookies and everything that is the opposite of what was planned. Then I have ruined my day so I just eat more junk. Then the next day the leftover junk is there lingering, whispering sweat nothings in my ear I want to choose the good food, but honestly the good food has been so0o0o0o unappetixing lately therefore I start this viscious cycle again!
So there ya have it, I need find a way to go out without blowing my diet, I need to move, and I need to find new foods and not be so darned strict that I swing to the dark side and eat 1,000's of calories more than Ishould in a day ... now time to find a new plan ....
I have not even allowed myself to venture into blog land since January - JANUARY!!! Why??? I wish I could give some sort of profund reason, something like I needed to become my own person or something that had meaning or something, but the truth is I ran away. I ran away from this battle of weight loss, I ran away from my blog as it is a mirror for me to truly see myself, and well its really hard sometimes to look at yourself not just your reflection, we are basically forced to that every once in a while, but your soul, your mind, this blog gives an insight in who you are and you ladies, your responses and our reactions to your responses and to what we ourselves put on this blog they at least for me help(ed) me define alot about who I am. And well the state of my life really hasnt been where I want it to be, so the mirror had become to painful to look at anymore.
One thing I have learned in this time, is that I give my power to others much too easily. It is very important to me what others think of me, my personality, my lifestyle and especially what I look like. My vanity may be one of my biggest flaws, but I am aware of it and I do not understand those that just are secure in themselves and innately know that they are good enough, or that truly give no mind to what others think of them. It is really a foreign concept to me, what others think of me consumes at least 40% of my thoughts in a day, and just that fact in itself is very disheartening to me. Getting back to my complete retreat from blog world, I felt that I did not look to you all like I had myself together, and well to avoid the responses and the mirror I just avoided it completly.
The fact is that starting in September I pulled myself out of a social cave and exposed myself to people, to friends, all of you in Chicago, to new coworkers; I am a little socially backward because I do give so much power to the opinions of others, when I expose myself I freakout, my fear of rejection, of judgment from friends, peers, and those I admire is paramount. There are times that when I go out with friends one night and spend much of the next day extremely panicky because I go over every second of the night, every word out of my mouth, every move I make; analysing every moment and trying to decifer if I made an ass out of myself. Some days its excruciating. I went from a state where I KNEW that I wasnt good enough in my extreme obesity and self hatred to realizing that I no longer lost from first sight and I had to now lean on my personality and see if that was good enough ( all the while still in the back of my head fearing that my body was still not good enough for social exceptance). This has been a very difficult journey for me. And I will be honest when I say I am really still working on it.
When the boy thing happened it was about 500 steps back, I was really, probably too excited about him and well the rejection put me in a bad place. For months I have been dealing with this feeling with this motto in the back of my head: "I have put all this work in and nothing has changed, I still can't have who I want, I AM STILL NOT GOOD ENOUGH" I wake up every day and have to try my hardest to push it back, and honestly the only time I even face it is when I have been drinking, which I have to admit has been happening quite a bit too much for my liking lately. This struggle has made my progress very difficult, both emotion and physical - I have been drinking too much to try to help with the social anxiety, then I emotionally eat the next day to deal with the aftershock from the social encounter and the embarassment I have of myself from my drunken stupor, and well that has basically caused a seriously bad plateau. I in fact have gained 18lbs since my lowest in October and now have been working but struggling to get back to where I was and see the 170's.
I wish I could say I am back because I now have myself together, but that would be a lie. This is an issue that I am now facing but still working through, and it may be something that I work on my whole life. Unfortunately this is one struggle that perfectionists have, nothing is ever good enough and for me - there is always something that needs improvement, my biggest focus for this perfectionism is myself, my body, my face, my personality and somedays its excrutiating how hard I am on myself. I admit the problem and am committed to facing it, and I no longer want to let it stop me from seeing my weightloss goals. I thank god for my band because the emotional state that I have been in the last six months would have surely brought me to that weightgain upswing that I usually saw, I am certain that I would be back to that 50 + lbs weight gain that I have seen so many times, 18 lbs really is nothing and I am confident that I can see my 185lbs again and I will see the 170s this year!!
I also realize that my neglect of blog world also coincides with weight gain, the fact is that this bond, this very scary mirror as I described it also keeps me honest and focused, not to mention reading your successes and your problems and having this extra support truly helps with weight loss. The fact is I need this community, you all have a direct effect in my weight loss and I am very aware of it. So I have to stay commited to myself, to the blog, and to you all. I am excited to read over your blogs for the last few months and see your emotional and physical transformations!!
One thing I have learned in this time, is that I give my power to others much too easily. It is very important to me what others think of me, my personality, my lifestyle and especially what I look like. My vanity may be one of my biggest flaws, but I am aware of it and I do not understand those that just are secure in themselves and innately know that they are good enough, or that truly give no mind to what others think of them. It is really a foreign concept to me, what others think of me consumes at least 40% of my thoughts in a day, and just that fact in itself is very disheartening to me. Getting back to my complete retreat from blog world, I felt that I did not look to you all like I had myself together, and well to avoid the responses and the mirror I just avoided it completly.
The fact is that starting in September I pulled myself out of a social cave and exposed myself to people, to friends, all of you in Chicago, to new coworkers; I am a little socially backward because I do give so much power to the opinions of others, when I expose myself I freakout, my fear of rejection, of judgment from friends, peers, and those I admire is paramount. There are times that when I go out with friends one night and spend much of the next day extremely panicky because I go over every second of the night, every word out of my mouth, every move I make; analysing every moment and trying to decifer if I made an ass out of myself. Some days its excruciating. I went from a state where I KNEW that I wasnt good enough in my extreme obesity and self hatred to realizing that I no longer lost from first sight and I had to now lean on my personality and see if that was good enough ( all the while still in the back of my head fearing that my body was still not good enough for social exceptance). This has been a very difficult journey for me. And I will be honest when I say I am really still working on it.
When the boy thing happened it was about 500 steps back, I was really, probably too excited about him and well the rejection put me in a bad place. For months I have been dealing with this feeling with this motto in the back of my head: "I have put all this work in and nothing has changed, I still can't have who I want, I AM STILL NOT GOOD ENOUGH" I wake up every day and have to try my hardest to push it back, and honestly the only time I even face it is when I have been drinking, which I have to admit has been happening quite a bit too much for my liking lately. This struggle has made my progress very difficult, both emotion and physical - I have been drinking too much to try to help with the social anxiety, then I emotionally eat the next day to deal with the aftershock from the social encounter and the embarassment I have of myself from my drunken stupor, and well that has basically caused a seriously bad plateau. I in fact have gained 18lbs since my lowest in October and now have been working but struggling to get back to where I was and see the 170's.
I wish I could say I am back because I now have myself together, but that would be a lie. This is an issue that I am now facing but still working through, and it may be something that I work on my whole life. Unfortunately this is one struggle that perfectionists have, nothing is ever good enough and for me - there is always something that needs improvement, my biggest focus for this perfectionism is myself, my body, my face, my personality and somedays its excrutiating how hard I am on myself. I admit the problem and am committed to facing it, and I no longer want to let it stop me from seeing my weightloss goals. I thank god for my band because the emotional state that I have been in the last six months would have surely brought me to that weightgain upswing that I usually saw, I am certain that I would be back to that 50 + lbs weight gain that I have seen so many times, 18 lbs really is nothing and I am confident that I can see my 185lbs again and I will see the 170s this year!!
I also realize that my neglect of blog world also coincides with weight gain, the fact is that this bond, this very scary mirror as I described it also keeps me honest and focused, not to mention reading your successes and your problems and having this extra support truly helps with weight loss. The fact is I need this community, you all have a direct effect in my weight loss and I am very aware of it. So I have to stay commited to myself, to the blog, and to you all. I am excited to read over your blogs for the last few months and see your emotional and physical transformations!!
... I'm gonna start this post by saying I'm scared to even write now. I feel I have deserted you all, I feel I have disappointed and I don't like that, I am always striving for PERFECTION, I want everyone to love me, to respect me, to think of me as an example and even to be envious of me - but now I feel I have let people down by disappearing and its very hard for me to come back with my tail between my legs and apologize. I hate having to do this and I hate that I dissappeared :( .... This is not the first time I have done this, and I'm not talking about blog land. I had a great dissappearance from the real world the winter before I had my surgery, I was just so depressed and hated how I looked that I locked myself up in my room and only went to school and work and spent time with my then boyfriend. A year and a half later, I finally crawled out of the hole I had created for myself, and luckily for me my best friends forgave my absence and were so excited to see the new me that everything went back to normal. Buuut that has alot to do with why I have been MIA here, this last quarter I have been regaining my existance in the 'real' world. I have been meeting people, creating new friendships, making memories, meeting boys. I have been having ALOT of fun, there has been alot of partying and drinking, and dancing. Buuut it has been hard for me to balance and my weighloss and you all have taken the back seat and well I'm sorry. I am so bad at balancing my life sometimes. But here are some pictures of the amazing fun and craziness that was Beth fall quarter and my graduation.
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| Me: Halloween; if you can't tell I was Cleopatra |
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| This is from my birthday |
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| This is my friend and I at our birthday dinner |
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| House parties, dancing, and friends have become my weekends!!! Fun - nuff said |
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| As my birthday present my best friend brought me Aguar diente - its a columbian liquor; clearly I was very excited ha ha |
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| This is my friend chris after he jumped into mirror lake - its a tradition at my school before the Michigan game to jump into the lake - its cold and crazy, but fun!!! |
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| Look I even allowed a picture where my stomach is showing, I am very proud of this. It doesn't even look bad, nothing spilling out of my jeans :) |
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| another night out ahhh I wasn't kidding when I said I have been enjoying myself ALOT |
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| My friend decided it was time to have a suedo modeling session and these are some of the good one ... it was very hard for me to be center of attention like that, but I do like the pictures |
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| These next few pictures are from crawl night, basically senior crawl is when you start at one end of the main street that all the bars are on by campus and have a drink at each one until you get to the other end .... we made it half way ... it was fun and as the pictures show crazy ! |
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| And I graduated!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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| My mom and dad and I at graduation |
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| This me and two of my best friends from college!! |
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| This is from New Years Eve |
Ok, so now you are updated on my social life, which is obviously alive and kicking.
Another reason why I disappeared was, well my last post I think was too much for me. I sometimes try to be real and honest and well its too much for me. I have stated before I don't let people in very well and I think I felt I exposed myself too much, gave too many details and I felt very wierd about it. Honestly I won't even let myself read that post or the comments because it makes me feel icky. I can't really explain why, but I am embarassed about the whole situation and the fact that I told anyone, let alone all of my blogg world is in one a big step forward for me being a more open person but also was just tooo much. So there you have it I freaked myself out !!
For your information, that boy is being an idiot and I am annoyed with the whole gender at this point, but that is neither here now there. There are a million of him and only one of me and I am twenty-three years old, not 16 and I don't need a man to make me feel OK. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself. I am picky and finding someone that makes me excited, AKA that has serious potential is a RARETY so yes I am dissappointed in the situation and yes I took a real kick to the ego, but I guess you live and you learn. That doesn't make it easier tho.... I still hope sometimes that he will realize what an idiot he is being and just do what I want, but the realist in me know thats not likely .... And I do know that number one thing I want in a man is someone who wants me, obviously if he doesn't want me I don't want him. Uhhhh
Anyway .... what else is new?? I got a big kid job and start on MOnday, yea!!! I will be working my serving job and that job for the first five weeks of training and then I am done. I am so excited to not have to serve anymore!!!!!!!!! Its like freedom - seriously. I am also meeting a lady tomorrow about an internship. I am so excited about this internship, it actually has to do with my major and the career I someday want to persue so that is always amazing!! I just hope I can juggle everything, in my head I tell myself I've been juggling ever since I started working and going to college and this weightloss journey and this will be the same thing. I know that I can do it and that it will be a great opportunity and be one step closer to my dreams so of course I am going to put my best foot forward and convince this lady that she has to give me the internship. I am also looking at this situation as a way to make myself so incredibly busy that I won't have time to worry about boys and the madness that has ensued in my head will stop.
Weightloss is a hot mess. The holidays seriously kicked my ass!! I am about the same weight I have been since Chicago - that is depressing, I don't like it and I need to do something, but lately I have felt very out of control. Its definately not a fill situation, my restriction is perfect, I love where I am and when I eat conciously I do really well, its just that I have become a sugar-holic again and I am self sabatoging hard core :( This has alot to do with why I forced myself to write this and reappear in the blog world, when I am here and active I do so much better and I need that support, I need you all. It just proves that you really can't do this alone, you need to have your support system to help you.
I missed you all!!!!!!!!
Ok, so you want drama, Ill give you all my drama. The fact of the matter is this is the only place sometimes that I can put my problems out there and know that Im not going to be judged and I can be completely honest, you all know I do (well I used to as I have dissappeared) blog therapy alot, because I feel I HAVE to be strong to the real world, I have to be the best, the smartest, the coolest, and NEVER let anyone see me hurt. Its really really really hard sometimes and well thats why I used to shut most people out of my life, because I felt like I failed from the get go, so to avoid that failure I would just put myself out of the situation. Well as I said in my last post I am putting myself out there and trying to learn who I am regardless of if I fall flat on my face.
...well I feel like that is what I am doing right now, falling FLAT on my face - and guess what it really sucks, I don't like it, I don't like feeling out of control and rejected and all those things, it just brings me back to square one for a period, I may as well be 285 pounds right now if that makes any sence. And sadly how am I medicating these feelings?? Well I have tried several things so I will give me that, one is I have been trying to distract myself from the situation ya know going out with my friends as much as possible - not helping, then I had a one on one talk with my ex who really can be helpful and like a very close friend as he knows me much better than most people - still not better, and I have also tried to work out like a crazy person to pump endorphines in me and fix it, but still to no avail I am freaking and guess whats beside me right now, a pint of pumpkin ice cream and empty king sized reeses and a mini box of sandies cookies - I am using food, I gave in and I know that its more than likely not going to help either so why do I end up going to it??
I guess I need to explain what the hell is wrong with me. . . .
So about 5 or so weeks ago I went to a party with a friend and there were alot of people I had known prior to beth's big dissappearence (aka I got really fat and didnt want ANYONE to see me) well I met this guy. This is how my friend explains it, she watched us interact with eachother then looked at him and thought hmm she looked at me and thought hmmm ... the next thing we were both pulling her to the side to talk about each other. We clicked instantly, he would start a story and I would know the ending, we danced and talked all night and we had soo0o0o much in common. He has graduated with a buisness and spanish degree I am an international studies and spanish major, we have similar interests, he is very active as I am, he loves to travel and you all know how much I want to see the world, he wants to go to Spain to teach English for a year, I teach english at a community center here. And we made out and it was obvious we have a very good physical connection!!
So I texted him the next week and said we should hang out sometime and he responds yea lets hang out this weekend. We do and its the same we talk, we dance, we make out! And I tell him he needs to take me out on a date that week - I mean this is not beth this is super beth, old beth used to be waaayy too scared of rejection to do something like that!! We go to the movies, he pays for the tickets but we literally go to the movie and leave with like no time to talk so needless to say I was a bit dissappointed. but when we left he kissed me and told me he was going to be out of town that weekend and not to do anything he wouldnt do (which I took as a dont be crazy without me or whatever - you know what that means)
My drunk ass calls him and talks to him on Friday and then I go to a party that our mutual friend has and well one guy gives everyone a nickname, and M's is Pollo and soon they start calling me Polla like pretty much coupling us up and I didnt want that, I didnt want to rush into things ya know!!
I also hear that they are all talking about us outside of when we are together like its really a big deal I mean we just have a rediculous connection I guess and as my friend says everyone can see it.
Well M has one big problem he acts like he is ALL about me when we are together and even in front of his friends acts like we are together, but he NEVER texts me first, he never does anything and it was starting to bother me by that point. So that was the week of Halloween and I just didnt text him because I dont want to be needy or let him know that Im strung out and hes got me.
Halloween beth downs a good third of a bottle of tequila with no dinner ( I tried to have some steak stirfry and it didnt work out). I got hammered. when M shows up I try to act like I didnt see him and ignore him and he comes up to me and is like, "oh so now you are gonna act like you dont me??",and procedes to give me a hug and a kiss in front of everyone!!! and asks me why we havent seen each other for a week and a half. .... WTF??!!! So needless to say not too long after that I hang out with the porcelain gods for umm .... 2 hours until they force me to go to the living room because apparently people need to pee. So I am being fed water and people are trying to force me to be sich while I spout off rediculous shit that I am too embarassed to say and giving M a really really hard time like telling him his spanish has nothing on mine and spouting off curse words in spanish, I mean really I was just crazy and M says, this is why I love this girl, she is wasted and is still talking shit - see he totally gets me, he loves that Im sassy and appreciates it even. Then once Im not such a shit show I force my friend to leave cause I feel bad that she is taking care of me and then M stays on a futon with me, makes out with me for several hours after I had vommed no less, tells me that since im 4 times drunker than he that we shouldnt do anything and cuddles with me all night!!
That week I asked him to dinner, he goes and honestly it was good, we have good conversation and the kiss goodnight was hot!!
Friday he even texted me asking what I was doing and asked me to a soccer game the next day or at least to go with out group of friends, but I had to work and we were going to meet up that night, i sent him 2 text messages and a voicemail with no answer and early in the morning he says he fell asleep early. I dont see him all weekend and my feelings are honestly hurt. On sunday I ask him what he is doing cause I am sick of studying and wanted a distraction and he says he has plans and blows me off. I delete his number. Not because im mad, but because I needed to take away the possiblity of texting him.
Finally I brake down on Wednesday and see if hes going to this party he says not until really late so I decide im not going to go. Then when he is on his way he asks if Im going and I decided (NOTE: this is when it gets real embarassinng so please dont judge too much and dont make me feel worse than I already do ok) that I just wanted it so I told him I wasnt going to go unless I could take him home with me after. He says yes, I go over. He talks to his friends saying how beautiful I am and acts like we are together with his arms around me and even calls me his girl to his friends. We start talking and he says, "I know you want more from me, you want to hang out more but there's a method to my madness. You want the wedding and I cant give that to you Im going to Spain and I dont want any strings attached." OK so can we say mixed signals??? In the car ride he tells me I better be cool because if something happens and I end up having one of his kids .... really why would you say that?? He tells me things like he is mad because he likes me so much, but then tells me he went to dinner with my sister, basically someone he is working with right now who apparently acts just like me.
Well anyway we go to my place and start messing around and long story short when I go to get the safety devices ... about 5 mins of making out after - not having used them at all yet he says its really late and we should go to sleep. !!!??? I just basically told you I was going to give it to you and you want to go to sleep?? So in the morning I am seriously frustrated ... sexually frustrated I mean and I try to initiate it again we make out and stuff and then he tries to tell me to go down there and "wake him up" which ohhh hell no!! so it takes me awhile to even want to do anything after that but by that point I am just so um well ya know revved up that I didnt really care, and I gp to touch him and then I realize the boy is not turned on if you know what 'i mean!! ( this is really embarassing and bad) so he says hes just really hung over and he holds me and we go back to sleep. When we wake up I tell him that Im mad at him and how everyone thinks we did it an we didnt and everything Im thinking, as that is how I am - he tells me you had halloween I had last night, now we are even. I take him back to his car he asks me what im doing that weekend and and kisses me goodbye. He sent me a text later that day saying he didnt get to go back to sleep. And I have not heard from him since.
So I feel utterly rejected and I am really sensitive about my body as it is not what a 22 year old body should look like, I have loose skin and stretchmarks and serious damage, and so part of me keeps telling myself that he had a malfunction due to that, that he is just not attracted to me. I feel really rejected and stupid and confused and I don't understand what is going on and I dont know what to do. My friend used to date his friend and he says that M is a real good guy, doesnt mistreat or talk shit about women and that he is legit, but then I am getting messed with. I dont know if he is just a jerk and is playing with me or if he really likes me and is scared to death or did like me until he saw my body but I do know is that I feel like shit!!! My brain says to run away or to get him back by flirting with his friends and that it needs to be over because I am just going to get hurt. But my heart keeps telling me there is something, we really do get each other and my heart tells me to give him a chance to have patience to let go of the fear and the need to control, my heart gives him every chance he would want and forgets how vaulnerable I feel the moment I see him, my heart told me I could really fall in love with this man and could marry him, which was why I freaked when he said that I wanted the wedding, I know I didnt tell anyone that and I have a hard time thinking that he can read me that well already considering I make it a very consious effort to keep my cool when Im around him.I dont know what to do, but now I am punishing myself hardcore I need his validation and is it killing me, not only because Im not getting it, but also because I would be like that. I pride myself on being strong and in control not a "girl" and right now thats all Im acting like, a pathetic little girl. And it just keeps going back to my body, he couldnt stay hard because I was that unattractive to him and even 100 pounds down Im still not hot enough and my body will never look like that of someone who was never obese and he is VERY athletic and built and works very hard and could want someone whose body is at that level and even if my athletism is at his level, my body is not and unless I have multiple surgeries and laser treatments it never will be. I know I dont want him if hes that shallow, but the truth is im just punishing myself, maybe Id rather him hate my body than just not be interested in me? My ego is hurt baaaad, and my heart is very dissappointed.
I wish there was an easy way to fix this, but there isnt and I dont even know the right thing to do. I know if he doesnt want me than I should not want him,I should want someone who adores everything about me and makes me feel good, but my heart keeps telling me that he is that and that there is just something keeping him from giving me that - damn my heart, my heart is stupid ...
...well I feel like that is what I am doing right now, falling FLAT on my face - and guess what it really sucks, I don't like it, I don't like feeling out of control and rejected and all those things, it just brings me back to square one for a period, I may as well be 285 pounds right now if that makes any sence. And sadly how am I medicating these feelings?? Well I have tried several things so I will give me that, one is I have been trying to distract myself from the situation ya know going out with my friends as much as possible - not helping, then I had a one on one talk with my ex who really can be helpful and like a very close friend as he knows me much better than most people - still not better, and I have also tried to work out like a crazy person to pump endorphines in me and fix it, but still to no avail I am freaking and guess whats beside me right now, a pint of pumpkin ice cream and empty king sized reeses and a mini box of sandies cookies - I am using food, I gave in and I know that its more than likely not going to help either so why do I end up going to it??
I guess I need to explain what the hell is wrong with me. . . .
So about 5 or so weeks ago I went to a party with a friend and there were alot of people I had known prior to beth's big dissappearence (aka I got really fat and didnt want ANYONE to see me) well I met this guy. This is how my friend explains it, she watched us interact with eachother then looked at him and thought hmm she looked at me and thought hmmm ... the next thing we were both pulling her to the side to talk about each other. We clicked instantly, he would start a story and I would know the ending, we danced and talked all night and we had soo0o0o much in common. He has graduated with a buisness and spanish degree I am an international studies and spanish major, we have similar interests, he is very active as I am, he loves to travel and you all know how much I want to see the world, he wants to go to Spain to teach English for a year, I teach english at a community center here. And we made out and it was obvious we have a very good physical connection!!
So I texted him the next week and said we should hang out sometime and he responds yea lets hang out this weekend. We do and its the same we talk, we dance, we make out! And I tell him he needs to take me out on a date that week - I mean this is not beth this is super beth, old beth used to be waaayy too scared of rejection to do something like that!! We go to the movies, he pays for the tickets but we literally go to the movie and leave with like no time to talk so needless to say I was a bit dissappointed. but when we left he kissed me and told me he was going to be out of town that weekend and not to do anything he wouldnt do (which I took as a dont be crazy without me or whatever - you know what that means)
My drunk ass calls him and talks to him on Friday and then I go to a party that our mutual friend has and well one guy gives everyone a nickname, and M's is Pollo and soon they start calling me Polla like pretty much coupling us up and I didnt want that, I didnt want to rush into things ya know!!
I also hear that they are all talking about us outside of when we are together like its really a big deal I mean we just have a rediculous connection I guess and as my friend says everyone can see it.
Well M has one big problem he acts like he is ALL about me when we are together and even in front of his friends acts like we are together, but he NEVER texts me first, he never does anything and it was starting to bother me by that point. So that was the week of Halloween and I just didnt text him because I dont want to be needy or let him know that Im strung out and hes got me.
Halloween beth downs a good third of a bottle of tequila with no dinner ( I tried to have some steak stirfry and it didnt work out). I got hammered. when M shows up I try to act like I didnt see him and ignore him and he comes up to me and is like, "oh so now you are gonna act like you dont me??",and procedes to give me a hug and a kiss in front of everyone!!! and asks me why we havent seen each other for a week and a half. .... WTF??!!! So needless to say not too long after that I hang out with the porcelain gods for umm .... 2 hours until they force me to go to the living room because apparently people need to pee. So I am being fed water and people are trying to force me to be sich while I spout off rediculous shit that I am too embarassed to say and giving M a really really hard time like telling him his spanish has nothing on mine and spouting off curse words in spanish, I mean really I was just crazy and M says, this is why I love this girl, she is wasted and is still talking shit - see he totally gets me, he loves that Im sassy and appreciates it even. Then once Im not such a shit show I force my friend to leave cause I feel bad that she is taking care of me and then M stays on a futon with me, makes out with me for several hours after I had vommed no less, tells me that since im 4 times drunker than he that we shouldnt do anything and cuddles with me all night!!
That week I asked him to dinner, he goes and honestly it was good, we have good conversation and the kiss goodnight was hot!!
Friday he even texted me asking what I was doing and asked me to a soccer game the next day or at least to go with out group of friends, but I had to work and we were going to meet up that night, i sent him 2 text messages and a voicemail with no answer and early in the morning he says he fell asleep early. I dont see him all weekend and my feelings are honestly hurt. On sunday I ask him what he is doing cause I am sick of studying and wanted a distraction and he says he has plans and blows me off. I delete his number. Not because im mad, but because I needed to take away the possiblity of texting him.
Finally I brake down on Wednesday and see if hes going to this party he says not until really late so I decide im not going to go. Then when he is on his way he asks if Im going and I decided (NOTE: this is when it gets real embarassinng so please dont judge too much and dont make me feel worse than I already do ok) that I just wanted it so I told him I wasnt going to go unless I could take him home with me after. He says yes, I go over. He talks to his friends saying how beautiful I am and acts like we are together with his arms around me and even calls me his girl to his friends. We start talking and he says, "I know you want more from me, you want to hang out more but there's a method to my madness. You want the wedding and I cant give that to you Im going to Spain and I dont want any strings attached." OK so can we say mixed signals??? In the car ride he tells me I better be cool because if something happens and I end up having one of his kids .... really why would you say that?? He tells me things like he is mad because he likes me so much, but then tells me he went to dinner with my sister, basically someone he is working with right now who apparently acts just like me.
Well anyway we go to my place and start messing around and long story short when I go to get the safety devices ... about 5 mins of making out after - not having used them at all yet he says its really late and we should go to sleep. !!!??? I just basically told you I was going to give it to you and you want to go to sleep?? So in the morning I am seriously frustrated ... sexually frustrated I mean and I try to initiate it again we make out and stuff and then he tries to tell me to go down there and "wake him up" which ohhh hell no!! so it takes me awhile to even want to do anything after that but by that point I am just so um well ya know revved up that I didnt really care, and I gp to touch him and then I realize the boy is not turned on if you know what 'i mean!! ( this is really embarassing and bad) so he says hes just really hung over and he holds me and we go back to sleep. When we wake up I tell him that Im mad at him and how everyone thinks we did it an we didnt and everything Im thinking, as that is how I am - he tells me you had halloween I had last night, now we are even. I take him back to his car he asks me what im doing that weekend and and kisses me goodbye. He sent me a text later that day saying he didnt get to go back to sleep. And I have not heard from him since.
So I feel utterly rejected and I am really sensitive about my body as it is not what a 22 year old body should look like, I have loose skin and stretchmarks and serious damage, and so part of me keeps telling myself that he had a malfunction due to that, that he is just not attracted to me. I feel really rejected and stupid and confused and I don't understand what is going on and I dont know what to do. My friend used to date his friend and he says that M is a real good guy, doesnt mistreat or talk shit about women and that he is legit, but then I am getting messed with. I dont know if he is just a jerk and is playing with me or if he really likes me and is scared to death or did like me until he saw my body but I do know is that I feel like shit!!! My brain says to run away or to get him back by flirting with his friends and that it needs to be over because I am just going to get hurt. But my heart keeps telling me there is something, we really do get each other and my heart tells me to give him a chance to have patience to let go of the fear and the need to control, my heart gives him every chance he would want and forgets how vaulnerable I feel the moment I see him, my heart told me I could really fall in love with this man and could marry him, which was why I freaked when he said that I wanted the wedding, I know I didnt tell anyone that and I have a hard time thinking that he can read me that well already considering I make it a very consious effort to keep my cool when Im around him.I dont know what to do, but now I am punishing myself hardcore I need his validation and is it killing me, not only because Im not getting it, but also because I would be like that. I pride myself on being strong and in control not a "girl" and right now thats all Im acting like, a pathetic little girl. And it just keeps going back to my body, he couldnt stay hard because I was that unattractive to him and even 100 pounds down Im still not hot enough and my body will never look like that of someone who was never obese and he is VERY athletic and built and works very hard and could want someone whose body is at that level and even if my athletism is at his level, my body is not and unless I have multiple surgeries and laser treatments it never will be. I know I dont want him if hes that shallow, but the truth is im just punishing myself, maybe Id rather him hate my body than just not be interested in me? My ego is hurt baaaad, and my heart is very dissappointed.
I wish there was an easy way to fix this, but there isnt and I dont even know the right thing to do. I know if he doesnt want me than I should not want him,I should want someone who adores everything about me and makes me feel good, but my heart keeps telling me that he is that and that there is just something keeping him from giving me that - damn my heart, my heart is stupid ...
So here I sit, I year, 5 months after surgery, 97 or so pounds down and still, I have NOT completely understood that I cannot 1.) eat certain foods 2.) eat more than a half a cup of food. In front of me sits an almost full cup of french fries, and a not even touched basket of bonless barbeque wings. It sounded so0o0o good and I got them. I know ,I know its a horrible choice, but I will tell you I cannot even remember the last time I had either item so don't judge me too hard. But anyway, I had umm I would say 6 french fries and now I sit, not hurting, not regretting it, but filled. I know if I have another bite it will be only of question of how long it will be til Im running to the bathroom. The barbeque smells so good, Im contemplating licking it.
So there ya go, for all you newbies and perspective bandsters know that everyone reverts, thats why we have a band.
.... Now what am I gonna do with all this food ??? uff
So there ya go, for all you newbies and perspective bandsters know that everyone reverts, thats why we have a band.
.... Now what am I gonna do with all this food ??? uff
Well I dissappeared from blog world for a while. I guess you could say Im trying to find my place in the real world and well sometimes I am not so good at balancing things. I noticed I have gotten ALOT of new followers, so to those of you have started following me thankyou for your interst in my journey!! There are so many things I need to catch you all up on, but I'm still not ready to process the world Im living in right now, its crazy, fun, exciting, confusing, and scary all at the same time.
I spent my whole life as the fat girl, it was part of my identity and even as I was taking this journey, losing weight I was still that fat girl. I have lost 50 pounds here and there alot of my life so doing that was just another round of beth's yo-yo. But now, a year and a half almost out of surgery and I have NEVER gained more than 5 lbs since my surgery I recognize that the yo-yo is gone, I took it threw it on the ground stomped on it and broke it into smitherines!! That is so releiving, I am no longer waiting for the ball to drop on my weightloss, I know that even if I never lost one more pound, I will not be back on the upswing. I will chill at 185 just fine. And although I've spent months between the 191 188 range Im ok with that, well Im not angry about it at least.
Back to what I was going to say, I didnt even recognize that I was not a fatty anymore until September, so this is a new world for me. And I feel like I am a 16 year old girl trying to find her way in the world. I dont know who I am I know who fat beth is, but who is thin Beth?? There are alot of things about fat Beth that I love and that will be coming with me, but there were alot of things about her that I really dont like. I dont like how hard she was on herself or that she pushed people away. I dont like how scared and fragile and negative she was. I am ready to enjoy my life, to open up, to have friends and bonds and allow people in enough to help me when I am down and root for me when I am up. This may seem strange to many of you but in my world for a long time, all I had was me. I didnt let too many others in and I NEVER let them in enough that is would break me when they hurt me. I had learned from past experiences that people were cruel and that I was expendable and that they would hurt me if it would suit them. I think I was an easy target, its easy to pick on the fat girl or the dorky boy or the ugly kid; but I internalized that into being hard stand offish and well unapproachable. I have talked about this before, I no longer want to be that person, everyday I try to be warmer, to SMILE ( I know that sounds silly but at first even that was something I had to think about doing at first ), I try to show people that I appreciate them, I give out compliments, I strike conversations, I actually connect with people. Its hard for me. But I even put myself in positions that would make me uncomfortable, because I need to learn that I am not being judged and that I will survive. I walk around campus with ice cream and eat it infront of people, I text boys and ask them out, I went down town in a little bity dress - that was very hard for me, but no one even looked at me wierd, a few girls just told me I was brave because it was cooooold!! And the most brave thing I do I tell people that I think I look good, I say Im hot or I have a nice features - I compliment myself and I am confident and encouraging to myself publically. That is something that is always been hard, I mean I never wanted to be the girl who thought she looked good and talked herself up, but everyone talked about her behind her back ya know??
Everyday I walk forward and I try new things and sometimes I fall flat on my face, sometimes I get embarassed, I do something stupid or even fail at what I try, but I get back up dust myself off and learn from it. Its hard to grow its hard to relearn who you are. Somedays I want to stop I want to be old Beth and stay in my bedroom and stay away from people, go hide for awhile, not call a friend just brood and hate myself. But I wont allow that anymore, I deserve to have the life I want, I deserve to find happiness, to have friends and family and love. Nothing is easy, losing the weight doesnt solve all of your problems, but now I allow myself to move forward to learn and grow and not use my weight as a crutch and a shield. I dont know really where I am going, who I am going to be or where this road will take me, but I have faith that its the right direction and that no matter where it takes me I will enjoy it and life will be good.
I spent my whole life as the fat girl, it was part of my identity and even as I was taking this journey, losing weight I was still that fat girl. I have lost 50 pounds here and there alot of my life so doing that was just another round of beth's yo-yo. But now, a year and a half almost out of surgery and I have NEVER gained more than 5 lbs since my surgery I recognize that the yo-yo is gone, I took it threw it on the ground stomped on it and broke it into smitherines!! That is so releiving, I am no longer waiting for the ball to drop on my weightloss, I know that even if I never lost one more pound, I will not be back on the upswing. I will chill at 185 just fine. And although I've spent months between the 191 188 range Im ok with that, well Im not angry about it at least.
Back to what I was going to say, I didnt even recognize that I was not a fatty anymore until September, so this is a new world for me. And I feel like I am a 16 year old girl trying to find her way in the world. I dont know who I am I know who fat beth is, but who is thin Beth?? There are alot of things about fat Beth that I love and that will be coming with me, but there were alot of things about her that I really dont like. I dont like how hard she was on herself or that she pushed people away. I dont like how scared and fragile and negative she was. I am ready to enjoy my life, to open up, to have friends and bonds and allow people in enough to help me when I am down and root for me when I am up. This may seem strange to many of you but in my world for a long time, all I had was me. I didnt let too many others in and I NEVER let them in enough that is would break me when they hurt me. I had learned from past experiences that people were cruel and that I was expendable and that they would hurt me if it would suit them. I think I was an easy target, its easy to pick on the fat girl or the dorky boy or the ugly kid; but I internalized that into being hard stand offish and well unapproachable. I have talked about this before, I no longer want to be that person, everyday I try to be warmer, to SMILE ( I know that sounds silly but at first even that was something I had to think about doing at first ), I try to show people that I appreciate them, I give out compliments, I strike conversations, I actually connect with people. Its hard for me. But I even put myself in positions that would make me uncomfortable, because I need to learn that I am not being judged and that I will survive. I walk around campus with ice cream and eat it infront of people, I text boys and ask them out, I went down town in a little bity dress - that was very hard for me, but no one even looked at me wierd, a few girls just told me I was brave because it was cooooold!! And the most brave thing I do I tell people that I think I look good, I say Im hot or I have a nice features - I compliment myself and I am confident and encouraging to myself publically. That is something that is always been hard, I mean I never wanted to be the girl who thought she looked good and talked herself up, but everyone talked about her behind her back ya know??
Everyday I walk forward and I try new things and sometimes I fall flat on my face, sometimes I get embarassed, I do something stupid or even fail at what I try, but I get back up dust myself off and learn from it. Its hard to grow its hard to relearn who you are. Somedays I want to stop I want to be old Beth and stay in my bedroom and stay away from people, go hide for awhile, not call a friend just brood and hate myself. But I wont allow that anymore, I deserve to have the life I want, I deserve to find happiness, to have friends and family and love. Nothing is easy, losing the weight doesnt solve all of your problems, but now I allow myself to move forward to learn and grow and not use my weight as a crutch and a shield. I dont know really where I am going, who I am going to be or where this road will take me, but I have faith that its the right direction and that no matter where it takes me I will enjoy it and life will be good.
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