Ok, so you want drama, Ill give you all my drama. The fact of the matter is this is the only place sometimes that I can put my problems out there and know that Im not going to be judged and I can be completely honest, you all know I do (well I used to as I have dissappeared) blog therapy alot, because I feel I HAVE to be strong to the real world, I have to be the best, the smartest, the coolest, and NEVER let anyone see me hurt. Its really really really hard sometimes and well thats why I used to shut most people out of my life, because I felt like I failed from the get go, so to avoid that failure I would just put myself out of the situation. Well as I said in my last post I am putting myself out there and trying to learn who I am regardless of if I fall flat on my face.
...well I feel like that is what I am doing right now, falling FLAT on my face - and guess what it really sucks, I don't like it, I don't like feeling out of control and rejected and all those things, it just brings me back to square one for a period, I may as well be 285 pounds right now if that makes any sence. And sadly how am I medicating these feelings?? Well I have tried several things so I will give me that, one is I have been trying to distract myself from the situation ya know going out with my friends as much as possible - not helping, then I had a one on one talk with my ex who really can be helpful and like a very close friend as he knows me much better than most people - still not better, and I have also tried to work out like a crazy person to pump endorphines in me and fix it, but still to no avail I am freaking and guess whats beside me right now, a pint of pumpkin ice cream and empty king sized reeses and a mini box of sandies cookies - I am using food, I gave in and I know that its more than likely not going to help either so why do I end up going to it??
I guess I need to explain what the hell is wrong with me. . . .
So about 5 or so weeks ago I went to a party with a friend and there were alot of people I had known prior to beth's big dissappearence (aka I got really fat and didnt want ANYONE to see me) well I met this guy. This is how my friend explains it, she watched us interact with eachother then looked at him and thought hmm she looked at me and thought hmmm ... the next thing we were both pulling her to the side to talk about each other. We clicked instantly, he would start a story and I would know the ending, we danced and talked all night and we had soo0o0o much in common. He has graduated with a buisness and spanish degree I am an international studies and spanish major, we have similar interests, he is very active as I am, he loves to travel and you all know how much I want to see the world, he wants to go to Spain to teach English for a year, I teach english at a community center here. And we made out and it was obvious we have a very good physical connection!!
So I texted him the next week and said we should hang out sometime and he responds yea lets hang out this weekend. We do and its the same we talk, we dance, we make out! And I tell him he needs to take me out on a date that week - I mean this is not beth this is super beth, old beth used to be waaayy too scared of rejection to do something like that!! We go to the movies, he pays for the tickets but we literally go to the movie and leave with like no time to talk so needless to say I was a bit dissappointed. but when we left he kissed me and told me he was going to be out of town that weekend and not to do anything he wouldnt do (which I took as a dont be crazy without me or whatever - you know what that means)
My drunk ass calls him and talks to him on Friday and then I go to a party that our mutual friend has and well one guy gives everyone a nickname, and M's is Pollo and soon they start calling me Polla like pretty much coupling us up and I didnt want that, I didnt want to rush into things ya know!!
I also hear that they are all talking about us outside of when we are together like its really a big deal I mean we just have a rediculous connection I guess and as my friend says everyone can see it.
Well M has one big problem he acts like he is ALL about me when we are together and even in front of his friends acts like we are together, but he NEVER texts me first, he never does anything and it was starting to bother me by that point. So that was the week of Halloween and I just didnt text him because I dont want to be needy or let him know that Im strung out and hes got me.
Halloween beth downs a good third of a bottle of tequila with no dinner ( I tried to have some steak stirfry and it didnt work out). I got hammered. when M shows up I try to act like I didnt see him and ignore him and he comes up to me and is like, "oh so now you are gonna act like you dont me??",and procedes to give me a hug and a kiss in front of everyone!!! and asks me why we havent seen each other for a week and a half. .... WTF??!!! So needless to say not too long after that I hang out with the porcelain gods for umm .... 2 hours until they force me to go to the living room because apparently people need to pee. So I am being fed water and people are trying to force me to be sich while I spout off rediculous shit that I am too embarassed to say and giving M a really really hard time like telling him his spanish has nothing on mine and spouting off curse words in spanish, I mean really I was just crazy and M says, this is why I love this girl, she is wasted and is still talking shit - see he totally gets me, he loves that Im sassy and appreciates it even. Then once Im not such a shit show I force my friend to leave cause I feel bad that she is taking care of me and then M stays on a futon with me, makes out with me for several hours after I had vommed no less, tells me that since im 4 times drunker than he that we shouldnt do anything and cuddles with me all night!!
That week I asked him to dinner, he goes and honestly it was good, we have good conversation and the kiss goodnight was hot!!
Friday he even texted me asking what I was doing and asked me to a soccer game the next day or at least to go with out group of friends, but I had to work and we were going to meet up that night, i sent him 2 text messages and a voicemail with no answer and early in the morning he says he fell asleep early. I dont see him all weekend and my feelings are honestly hurt. On sunday I ask him what he is doing cause I am sick of studying and wanted a distraction and he says he has plans and blows me off. I delete his number. Not because im mad, but because I needed to take away the possiblity of texting him.
Finally I brake down on Wednesday and see if hes going to this party he says not until really late so I decide im not going to go. Then when he is on his way he asks if Im going and I decided (NOTE: this is when it gets real embarassinng so please dont judge too much and dont make me feel worse than I already do ok) that I just wanted it so I told him I wasnt going to go unless I could take him home with me after. He says yes, I go over. He talks to his friends saying how beautiful I am and acts like we are together with his arms around me and even calls me his girl to his friends. We start talking and he says, "I know you want more from me, you want to hang out more but there's a method to my madness. You want the wedding and I cant give that to you Im going to Spain and I dont want any strings attached." OK so can we say mixed signals??? In the car ride he tells me I better be cool because if something happens and I end up having one of his kids .... really why would you say that?? He tells me things like he is mad because he likes me so much, but then tells me he went to dinner with my sister, basically someone he is working with right now who apparently acts just like me.
Well anyway we go to my place and start messing around and long story short when I go to get the safety devices ... about 5 mins of making out after - not having used them at all yet he says its really late and we should go to sleep. !!!??? I just basically told you I was going to give it to you and you want to go to sleep?? So in the morning I am seriously frustrated ... sexually frustrated I mean and I try to initiate it again we make out and stuff and then he tries to tell me to go down there and "wake him up" which ohhh hell no!! so it takes me awhile to even want to do anything after that but by that point I am just so um well ya know revved up that I didnt really care, and I gp to touch him and then I realize the boy is not turned on if you know what 'i mean!! ( this is really embarassing and bad) so he says hes just really hung over and he holds me and we go back to sleep. When we wake up I tell him that Im mad at him and how everyone thinks we did it an we didnt and everything Im thinking, as that is how I am - he tells me you had halloween I had last night, now we are even. I take him back to his car he asks me what im doing that weekend and and kisses me goodbye. He sent me a text later that day saying he didnt get to go back to sleep. And I have not heard from him since.
So I feel utterly rejected and I am really sensitive about my body as it is not what a 22 year old body should look like, I have loose skin and stretchmarks and serious damage, and so part of me keeps telling myself that he had a malfunction due to that, that he is just not attracted to me. I feel really rejected and stupid and confused and I don't understand what is going on and I dont know what to do. My friend used to date his friend and he says that M is a real good guy, doesnt mistreat or talk shit about women and that he is legit, but then I am getting messed with. I dont know if he is just a jerk and is playing with me or if he really likes me and is scared to death or did like me until he saw my body but I do know is that I feel like shit!!! My brain says to run away or to get him back by flirting with his friends and that it needs to be over because I am just going to get hurt. But my heart keeps telling me there is something, we really do get each other and my heart tells me to give him a chance to have patience to let go of the fear and the need to control, my heart gives him every chance he would want and forgets how vaulnerable I feel the moment I see him, my heart told me I could really fall in love with this man and could marry him, which was why I freaked when he said that I wanted the wedding, I know I didnt tell anyone that and I have a hard time thinking that he can read me that well already considering I make it a very consious effort to keep my cool when Im around him.I dont know what to do, but now I am punishing myself hardcore I need his validation and is it killing me, not only because Im not getting it, but also because I would be like that. I pride myself on being strong and in control not a "girl" and right now thats all Im acting like, a pathetic little girl. And it just keeps going back to my body, he couldnt stay hard because I was that unattractive to him and even 100 pounds down Im still not hot enough and my body will never look like that of someone who was never obese and he is VERY athletic and built and works very hard and could want someone whose body is at that level and even if my athletism is at his level, my body is not and unless I have multiple surgeries and laser treatments it never will be. I know I dont want him if hes that shallow, but the truth is im just punishing myself, maybe Id rather him hate my body than just not be interested in me? My ego is hurt baaaad, and my heart is very dissappointed.
I wish there was an easy way to fix this, but there isnt and I dont even know the right thing to do. I know if he doesnt want me than I should not want him,I should want someone who adores everything about me and makes me feel good, but my heart keeps telling me that he is that and that there is just something keeping him from giving me that - damn my heart, my heart is stupid ...
my ticker
So here I sit, I year, 5 months after surgery, 97 or so pounds down and still, I have NOT completely understood that I cannot 1.) eat certain foods 2.) eat more than a half a cup of food. In front of me sits an almost full cup of french fries, and a not even touched basket of bonless barbeque wings. It sounded so0o0o good and I got them. I know ,I know its a horrible choice, but I will tell you I cannot even remember the last time I had either item so don't judge me too hard. But anyway, I had umm I would say 6 french fries and now I sit, not hurting, not regretting it, but filled. I know if I have another bite it will be only of question of how long it will be til Im running to the bathroom. The barbeque smells so good, Im contemplating licking it.
So there ya go, for all you newbies and perspective bandsters know that everyone reverts, thats why we have a band.
.... Now what am I gonna do with all this food ??? uff
So there ya go, for all you newbies and perspective bandsters know that everyone reverts, thats why we have a band.
.... Now what am I gonna do with all this food ??? uff
Well I dissappeared from blog world for a while. I guess you could say Im trying to find my place in the real world and well sometimes I am not so good at balancing things. I noticed I have gotten ALOT of new followers, so to those of you have started following me thankyou for your interst in my journey!! There are so many things I need to catch you all up on, but I'm still not ready to process the world Im living in right now, its crazy, fun, exciting, confusing, and scary all at the same time.
I spent my whole life as the fat girl, it was part of my identity and even as I was taking this journey, losing weight I was still that fat girl. I have lost 50 pounds here and there alot of my life so doing that was just another round of beth's yo-yo. But now, a year and a half almost out of surgery and I have NEVER gained more than 5 lbs since my surgery I recognize that the yo-yo is gone, I took it threw it on the ground stomped on it and broke it into smitherines!! That is so releiving, I am no longer waiting for the ball to drop on my weightloss, I know that even if I never lost one more pound, I will not be back on the upswing. I will chill at 185 just fine. And although I've spent months between the 191 188 range Im ok with that, well Im not angry about it at least.
Back to what I was going to say, I didnt even recognize that I was not a fatty anymore until September, so this is a new world for me. And I feel like I am a 16 year old girl trying to find her way in the world. I dont know who I am I know who fat beth is, but who is thin Beth?? There are alot of things about fat Beth that I love and that will be coming with me, but there were alot of things about her that I really dont like. I dont like how hard she was on herself or that she pushed people away. I dont like how scared and fragile and negative she was. I am ready to enjoy my life, to open up, to have friends and bonds and allow people in enough to help me when I am down and root for me when I am up. This may seem strange to many of you but in my world for a long time, all I had was me. I didnt let too many others in and I NEVER let them in enough that is would break me when they hurt me. I had learned from past experiences that people were cruel and that I was expendable and that they would hurt me if it would suit them. I think I was an easy target, its easy to pick on the fat girl or the dorky boy or the ugly kid; but I internalized that into being hard stand offish and well unapproachable. I have talked about this before, I no longer want to be that person, everyday I try to be warmer, to SMILE ( I know that sounds silly but at first even that was something I had to think about doing at first ), I try to show people that I appreciate them, I give out compliments, I strike conversations, I actually connect with people. Its hard for me. But I even put myself in positions that would make me uncomfortable, because I need to learn that I am not being judged and that I will survive. I walk around campus with ice cream and eat it infront of people, I text boys and ask them out, I went down town in a little bity dress - that was very hard for me, but no one even looked at me wierd, a few girls just told me I was brave because it was cooooold!! And the most brave thing I do I tell people that I think I look good, I say Im hot or I have a nice features - I compliment myself and I am confident and encouraging to myself publically. That is something that is always been hard, I mean I never wanted to be the girl who thought she looked good and talked herself up, but everyone talked about her behind her back ya know??
Everyday I walk forward and I try new things and sometimes I fall flat on my face, sometimes I get embarassed, I do something stupid or even fail at what I try, but I get back up dust myself off and learn from it. Its hard to grow its hard to relearn who you are. Somedays I want to stop I want to be old Beth and stay in my bedroom and stay away from people, go hide for awhile, not call a friend just brood and hate myself. But I wont allow that anymore, I deserve to have the life I want, I deserve to find happiness, to have friends and family and love. Nothing is easy, losing the weight doesnt solve all of your problems, but now I allow myself to move forward to learn and grow and not use my weight as a crutch and a shield. I dont know really where I am going, who I am going to be or where this road will take me, but I have faith that its the right direction and that no matter where it takes me I will enjoy it and life will be good.
I spent my whole life as the fat girl, it was part of my identity and even as I was taking this journey, losing weight I was still that fat girl. I have lost 50 pounds here and there alot of my life so doing that was just another round of beth's yo-yo. But now, a year and a half almost out of surgery and I have NEVER gained more than 5 lbs since my surgery I recognize that the yo-yo is gone, I took it threw it on the ground stomped on it and broke it into smitherines!! That is so releiving, I am no longer waiting for the ball to drop on my weightloss, I know that even if I never lost one more pound, I will not be back on the upswing. I will chill at 185 just fine. And although I've spent months between the 191 188 range Im ok with that, well Im not angry about it at least.
Back to what I was going to say, I didnt even recognize that I was not a fatty anymore until September, so this is a new world for me. And I feel like I am a 16 year old girl trying to find her way in the world. I dont know who I am I know who fat beth is, but who is thin Beth?? There are alot of things about fat Beth that I love and that will be coming with me, but there were alot of things about her that I really dont like. I dont like how hard she was on herself or that she pushed people away. I dont like how scared and fragile and negative she was. I am ready to enjoy my life, to open up, to have friends and bonds and allow people in enough to help me when I am down and root for me when I am up. This may seem strange to many of you but in my world for a long time, all I had was me. I didnt let too many others in and I NEVER let them in enough that is would break me when they hurt me. I had learned from past experiences that people were cruel and that I was expendable and that they would hurt me if it would suit them. I think I was an easy target, its easy to pick on the fat girl or the dorky boy or the ugly kid; but I internalized that into being hard stand offish and well unapproachable. I have talked about this before, I no longer want to be that person, everyday I try to be warmer, to SMILE ( I know that sounds silly but at first even that was something I had to think about doing at first ), I try to show people that I appreciate them, I give out compliments, I strike conversations, I actually connect with people. Its hard for me. But I even put myself in positions that would make me uncomfortable, because I need to learn that I am not being judged and that I will survive. I walk around campus with ice cream and eat it infront of people, I text boys and ask them out, I went down town in a little bity dress - that was very hard for me, but no one even looked at me wierd, a few girls just told me I was brave because it was cooooold!! And the most brave thing I do I tell people that I think I look good, I say Im hot or I have a nice features - I compliment myself and I am confident and encouraging to myself publically. That is something that is always been hard, I mean I never wanted to be the girl who thought she looked good and talked herself up, but everyone talked about her behind her back ya know??
Everyday I walk forward and I try new things and sometimes I fall flat on my face, sometimes I get embarassed, I do something stupid or even fail at what I try, but I get back up dust myself off and learn from it. Its hard to grow its hard to relearn who you are. Somedays I want to stop I want to be old Beth and stay in my bedroom and stay away from people, go hide for awhile, not call a friend just brood and hate myself. But I wont allow that anymore, I deserve to have the life I want, I deserve to find happiness, to have friends and family and love. Nothing is easy, losing the weight doesnt solve all of your problems, but now I allow myself to move forward to learn and grow and not use my weight as a crutch and a shield. I dont know really where I am going, who I am going to be or where this road will take me, but I have faith that its the right direction and that no matter where it takes me I will enjoy it and life will be good.
OK, well I just tried to embed a video, Just the way you are by Bruno Marz. I'm not sure if it will show up, but hopefully it will. I have deemed this to my theme song, I guess you could say that I have found myself, I am so incredibly HAPPY with me, where I am who I am, how I look, how I feel. I really couldn't ask to be anything different. I am honestly taken aback by this, I never even imagined that I could ever love myself and be comfortable with who I was, there was always a little voice in my head that was telling me that I would ALWAYS feel like I wasn't good enough. Now I realize that this is not true, buuutttt I also realize that this is not a weight issue. I have been small or normal for a while now, and I didn't realize it. And I have always been funny and fun and vivacious, I have always had the potential to be who I am now - the problem was I wouldn't let myself! But pandora's box has been opened (and many of you incredible women may have had a hand in it from your comments and Chicago) and there is no turning back now, I know who I am and I like it, there is no better feeling than that. I can look in the mirror and even if I dont look so good, no makeup or terrible hair, I like who I see, which is so0o much more important than liking what you see. I have done it, and whether I ever reach 160 pounds, it doesn't matter I look and feel perfect right here everything else is just icing on the cake!!
- When I wake up in the morning and feel my hip bones and ribs
- When I go to the dresser to find a pair of pants and know that they will all fit
- When I go into my laundry room and see the Kilamenjaro size mountain of clothes that no longer fit me
- When I work out with my trainer and look at my thighs and realiz how small they are!!!
- When I go to class and I see guys checking me out
- When I walk into a room and know that I am not the biggest girl there - not by a long shot
- When I look in the mirror and recognize that I am beautiful
- When I can walk down the street with my head up and see people checking me out
- When I can walk through campus eating a cup of icecream and not care that people are watching me eat
- When I go to a party and guys hit on me
- When I see people I haven't seen in a while and they tell me how great I look
- When people ask me how much weight I have lost, and I just answer with alot, because saying 100 pounds just feels too boastful
- Evertime I go to work and someone tells me I look smaller
- When I can go to a store/ restaurant and just say no to desert
- When I go and have a desert and feel absolutely NO guilt
- When I walk walk around the house in just a towel and it completely covers me
- When I wear heels and my feet dont hurt so bad I want to die within 5 mins
- When I sit with my legs up together and I see a little space between my thighs
- Whenever I can!!!!!!!
And by coconuts I mean BOOBS!! Yes, I am FINALLY posting my BOOBS blog, seriously this weekend was the most amazing weekend of my life, you all will never know how much you affected my life!! The entire weekend was insane, full of adventure, and a major lack of sleep balanced out with serious overdoses of caffiene and liquor!!! In fact it has taken me until today to feel fully recovered physically from this weekend! After much time to reflect, I am going to go all sesame street on your asses and say the BOOBS trip was brought to me by the letter I:
IN AWE
I was asolutely in awe from seeing all of these blog stars, these incredible people that I had had the opportunity to voyeristically follow as they went through this weightloss journey. It was honestly like seeing a movie star except I actually cared about you all and was invested in your stories. It was so incredible to see you all in real life, now I know that you are not some cyber figment of my imagination created by some Matrix style system.
I was in awe of the incredible amount of weight we have lost. 1.5 TONS - that is absolutely i-n-s-a-n-e!!!
I was in awe of the wonderful people you all are in real life. You are all so sweet and loving and supportive. I was in awe of the amazing lives some of you live, you NYC fancy shmancies such as Cathrine and Jen and people like Joey and Sherri who tell amazing stories of their great husbands who love, help, and support them through this process and through life (this is something that I personally strive to have someday so it seems so great to hear it and know there is hope ha ha ). I was in awe of people who were just so comfortable with who they were as people, whether they were at goal or whether they were just getting started.
I was in awe of the organization of our AMAZING coordinators - you worked your asses off and everything came out exquisitely!!!!!
INSPIRED
Seeing all you beautiful women inspired me, inspired me to keep chugging along, and to keep growing. I was inspired by all you biatches (and I mean that in the most lovingly sarcastic way possible ;) ) who have reached and surpassed goal. I was inspired by those of you who have had to struggle through very slow weight loss and keep going, and from those of you who have lost 100 plus and are still inching your way down.
After I sadly got into my car to leave I was on a BOOBS high, I was so inspired and ready to get back home and get started, I am on the final stretch to getting to goal and this trip was very much needed for me to realize that I can do it, that I want to do it, and that I am READY truly ready to get to goal and be free from this world of -" I need to lose weight. "
Ya'all better watch out because I am about to become super woman and before you know it I will be at goal and I will look and feel AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!
INCREDIBLE
I have never in my life felt so accepted and loved and appreciated and HOT in al my life as I did this weekend. I have never had more people compliment me and tell me that I was beautiful and smart and sweet and many people kept telling me you don't look like you were ever overweight!! That may be the best compliment EVER as I am now slightly obsessed with my bat wings and keep dreaming about cutting them off. It was crazy to me to see people I have watched via blog world for a year now come up to me and say are you Beth and give me a big hug. Or when Steph said that multiple people wanted to help to make sure I had a place to stay as they all had read my blog and wanted me to be there - that is probably the best compliment ever - to know that people actually pay attention to what I have to say and don't just think I am whiney, well thankyou all for reading my blog and supporting me all these months!! I felt incredible when someone said " so you are the Beth everyone is talking about that is so beautiful" OMG -me???
Which brings me to another point, I guess I need to make a confession, it may be kind of obvious, but prior to our trip I did not think of myself as small, or thin - I didn't think I was big, but I thought of my body as kind of like a decently healthy young mom, you know big, but you can tell popping out a couple of kids widened the hips so I thought I was normal, but on the larger side of normal. It took all of you chicas ( and a size 10 designer dress ) to show me that I am not normal, I am thin, I have my problem areas, which yes I still want to work on, but I am not big, I am slender!! I am not fat anymore - that is something VERY hard for me to grasp as I have had to carry that weight my whole life, I know Beth the fat girl, but I don't know what it is like to not be fat, I have to learn who not fat Beth is. At one point I looked at myself on my excruciating drive home and said, I am not fat anymore - outloud, and I balled, I cried and cried and cried for a solid half hour - so in shock, so amazed, so freaked. I now know that I am not fat or big or chunky, I look good. This is hard for me, I am not sure why, but its hard to say that to myself to be proud of myself. I just keep telling myself it everyday praising how I look and loving every minute of the amazing place I am in right now . Thankyou all so much for lifting that veil from my eyes ladies, not only did you help me to see myself more realistically you lifted a burden off my back to live your life thinking you are fat is hard and self loathing and stressfull I am forever in your gratitude!!!!
I CANNOT wait for our next trip, hope to see you all sooon!!!!!!!
IN AWE
I was asolutely in awe from seeing all of these blog stars, these incredible people that I had had the opportunity to voyeristically follow as they went through this weightloss journey. It was honestly like seeing a movie star except I actually cared about you all and was invested in your stories. It was so incredible to see you all in real life, now I know that you are not some cyber figment of my imagination created by some Matrix style system.
I was in awe of the incredible amount of weight we have lost. 1.5 TONS - that is absolutely i-n-s-a-n-e!!!
I was in awe of the wonderful people you all are in real life. You are all so sweet and loving and supportive. I was in awe of the amazing lives some of you live, you NYC fancy shmancies such as Cathrine and Jen and people like Joey and Sherri who tell amazing stories of their great husbands who love, help, and support them through this process and through life (this is something that I personally strive to have someday so it seems so great to hear it and know there is hope ha ha ). I was in awe of people who were just so comfortable with who they were as people, whether they were at goal or whether they were just getting started.
I was in awe of the organization of our AMAZING coordinators - you worked your asses off and everything came out exquisitely!!!!!
INSPIRED
Seeing all you beautiful women inspired me, inspired me to keep chugging along, and to keep growing. I was inspired by all you biatches (and I mean that in the most lovingly sarcastic way possible ;) ) who have reached and surpassed goal. I was inspired by those of you who have had to struggle through very slow weight loss and keep going, and from those of you who have lost 100 plus and are still inching your way down.
After I sadly got into my car to leave I was on a BOOBS high, I was so inspired and ready to get back home and get started, I am on the final stretch to getting to goal and this trip was very much needed for me to realize that I can do it, that I want to do it, and that I am READY truly ready to get to goal and be free from this world of -" I need to lose weight. "
Ya'all better watch out because I am about to become super woman and before you know it I will be at goal and I will look and feel AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!
INCREDIBLE
I have never in my life felt so accepted and loved and appreciated and HOT in al my life as I did this weekend. I have never had more people compliment me and tell me that I was beautiful and smart and sweet and many people kept telling me you don't look like you were ever overweight!! That may be the best compliment EVER as I am now slightly obsessed with my bat wings and keep dreaming about cutting them off. It was crazy to me to see people I have watched via blog world for a year now come up to me and say are you Beth and give me a big hug. Or when Steph said that multiple people wanted to help to make sure I had a place to stay as they all had read my blog and wanted me to be there - that is probably the best compliment ever - to know that people actually pay attention to what I have to say and don't just think I am whiney, well thankyou all for reading my blog and supporting me all these months!! I felt incredible when someone said " so you are the Beth everyone is talking about that is so beautiful" OMG -me???
Which brings me to another point, I guess I need to make a confession, it may be kind of obvious, but prior to our trip I did not think of myself as small, or thin - I didn't think I was big, but I thought of my body as kind of like a decently healthy young mom, you know big, but you can tell popping out a couple of kids widened the hips so I thought I was normal, but on the larger side of normal. It took all of you chicas ( and a size 10 designer dress ) to show me that I am not normal, I am thin, I have my problem areas, which yes I still want to work on, but I am not big, I am slender!! I am not fat anymore - that is something VERY hard for me to grasp as I have had to carry that weight my whole life, I know Beth the fat girl, but I don't know what it is like to not be fat, I have to learn who not fat Beth is. At one point I looked at myself on my excruciating drive home and said, I am not fat anymore - outloud, and I balled, I cried and cried and cried for a solid half hour - so in shock, so amazed, so freaked. I now know that I am not fat or big or chunky, I look good. This is hard for me, I am not sure why, but its hard to say that to myself to be proud of myself. I just keep telling myself it everyday praising how I look and loving every minute of the amazing place I am in right now . Thankyou all so much for lifting that veil from my eyes ladies, not only did you help me to see myself more realistically you lifted a burden off my back to live your life thinking you are fat is hard and self loathing and stressfull I am forever in your gratitude!!!!
I CANNOT wait for our next trip, hope to see you all sooon!!!!!!!
I just found out Liz has an emergency and cannot it to Chicago, she was going to be my roomie and I understand that things happen, but I don't know what to do as I know I cannot afford to pay for the hotel myself. I was so excited to go and meet everyone and run the 5K, but unless some group wants to have a third party, there is no way I can go wah wah!! Does anyone have any suggestions as to what I can do??
1) You’re trapped on a desert island and you can bring only 3 of your favourite foods along. What do you bring?
1. Reese's peanutbutter cups
2. Key lime pie
3. ice cream - any and all flavors
2) If you could meet any 3 people, living or dead, who would they be and why?
1. Ghandi
2. Mother Theresa
3. all of you ladies that I love and adore reading everyday(well this will be coming somewhat true in 3 days!)
3) What is your stripper name? (take the name of your first pet and the name of the street you grew up on)
Oscar Wapak - not very sexy if you ask me
4) How old were you when you lost your virginity? Alternative question if you don’t want to answer this: What is your LEAST favourite part of your bod since losing weight? Your MOST favourite since losing weight?
17
least fav body part would be my inner thighs - they are getting awfully elephanty; favourite - collarbones, arms, shoulders area
5) Do you believe in ghosts or evil spirits? Would you be willing to spend a night alone in a house that is supposedly haunted?
I dont know, maybe, I definatly won't chance it and piss off any spirits on purpose
6) What is your natural hair colour? If you dye it something completely different from what your momma gave ya, how come?
I have regular moussey brown hair, I dye my hair because its fun, I am pretty sure I have had my hair every naturaesk color possible, blonde, brown, black, red, I like it red alot, I think it goes well with my paler skin and green eyes, but I will be changing it soon!
7) Boxers or briefs? Alternatively…bikinis or granny panties?
Boxer-briefs for sure - guy thigh is NOT hot if a guy has one of those amazing round butts then show it off please!
bikinis or granny panties - honestly - neither. I am a free bird!! unless I am wearing a skirt or dress then bikinis
8) If you could only watch one movie for the rest of your life, what would it be and why? (Trilogies do not count as one movie, cheaterpantses!)
A Cinderella story, or PS I love you or Slumdog Millionare
9) What is your guilty pleasure (feel free to go straight to the gutter with this one if the spirit moves you!)
I have to pick just one??? Definately the combination of chocolate and peanutbutter and tall dark men with curly hair and an accent - gets me every time
10) How many pounds gone forever are you celebrating?? :)
95!! Halalooyah
1. Reese's peanutbutter cups
2. Key lime pie
3. ice cream - any and all flavors
2) If you could meet any 3 people, living or dead, who would they be and why?
1. Ghandi
2. Mother Theresa
3. all of you ladies that I love and adore reading everyday(well this will be coming somewhat true in 3 days!)
3) What is your stripper name? (take the name of your first pet and the name of the street you grew up on)
Oscar Wapak - not very sexy if you ask me
4) How old were you when you lost your virginity? Alternative question if you don’t want to answer this: What is your LEAST favourite part of your bod since losing weight? Your MOST favourite since losing weight?
17
least fav body part would be my inner thighs - they are getting awfully elephanty; favourite - collarbones, arms, shoulders area
5) Do you believe in ghosts or evil spirits? Would you be willing to spend a night alone in a house that is supposedly haunted?
I dont know, maybe, I definatly won't chance it and piss off any spirits on purpose
6) What is your natural hair colour? If you dye it something completely different from what your momma gave ya, how come?
I have regular moussey brown hair, I dye my hair because its fun, I am pretty sure I have had my hair every naturaesk color possible, blonde, brown, black, red, I like it red alot, I think it goes well with my paler skin and green eyes, but I will be changing it soon!
7) Boxers or briefs? Alternatively…bikinis or granny panties?
Boxer-briefs for sure - guy thigh is NOT hot if a guy has one of those amazing round butts then show it off please!
bikinis or granny panties - honestly - neither. I am a free bird!! unless I am wearing a skirt or dress then bikinis
8) If you could only watch one movie for the rest of your life, what would it be and why? (Trilogies do not count as one movie, cheaterpantses!)
A Cinderella story, or PS I love you or Slumdog Millionare
9) What is your guilty pleasure (feel free to go straight to the gutter with this one if the spirit moves you!)
I have to pick just one??? Definately the combination of chocolate and peanutbutter and tall dark men with curly hair and an accent - gets me every time
10) How many pounds gone forever are you celebrating?? :)
95!! Halalooyah
Hi all, you can spank me cause as usual I have been naughty, I haven't blogged in ohh ya know a week and a half, do I have an excuse - no! I have just been lazy oh yea and I guess I didnt want to have to admit to everyone that I have become miss franklin country sugar queen. I mean its bad, bad is an understatement, terrible still not even breaking ground astronomical - maybe close. OK so I will admit last week I ate a can of chocolate fudge frosting. OMG what the hell is wrong with me?? Please someone grab my fat ass in Chicago take me to a room and all you ladies must have an intevention and afterwards send me to sugar rehab PLEASE!!! I have not looked at my scale in a week, last time I checked it was at 191 hells yea, but after this terrible episode I know looking at the scale right now would not be fun, so I am trying my damnest to cut out the carbs completely as I need some detox time and maybe by Friday I will have the strength to get on the scale - maybe. Or I can just leave it at I weight 190 so I can say I have lost 95 pounds while we are in Chicago and let the truth come out on Monday when I go to the doctor's and he tells me well, fat ass, you have gained weight since your unfil :S. Thank god I will be getting a fill on Monday tho I am in desperate need of some salene.
So I did get my clothes last Thursday, I waited all day for them and I truly thought I was going to lose my mind waiting for them. Everytime I heard a truck drive by I RAN to the window to see if it was that big brown truck bringing me presents. So I told you I bought an exobant amount of clothes and I thought nothing would better describe this than a picture of the boxes of clothes I got:
These capris were seriously tight in the spring (Aprilish) and now they fall off of me, the first pic you can dee my extra space in the abdomen and to me the most amazing thing is the second one, my thighs are a trouble area and when I first started wearing these capris that were so tight on my thighs!
These sweat pants did not even fit me when I first started this journey last July and now they are enormous, this was an eye opener for me, I have a hard time giving myself credit or even acknowledging that I am smaller, but here it makes it obvious, I have lost ALOT of weight and I am on my way, I should really just congradulate myself and not be so hard on myself about this chill time in the 190's. But Im just ready to quit the sugar, the binges and the bullshit, I am ready see the numbers moving again - so why am I sabbotaging myself??? I dont really know but it time I found out or at least got my shit together.
Oh and you ladies have no clue how insanely excited (and nervous) to see you all in 3 DAYS - holy hell!
So I did get my clothes last Thursday, I waited all day for them and I truly thought I was going to lose my mind waiting for them. Everytime I heard a truck drive by I RAN to the window to see if it was that big brown truck bringing me presents. So I told you I bought an exobant amount of clothes and I thought nothing would better describe this than a picture of the boxes of clothes I got:
I was most definately not kidding about amount right, and I will more than likely be paying this credit card bill for quite some time :S But needless to say as of now I am in textile heaven!!! Almost everything fits -wow! All of my shirts and sweaters fit but there are two pairs of jeans that need to some work and a few dresses. My ample buttom half just isnt quite there yet, but I see it as something to work for, bery shortly I am sure I will be fitting in them :)
So I did snap a some photos of a few outfits so here ya are:
Pardon my messy room in this one, I was in the process of cleaning out all my old clothes and organizing the new ones.
Speaking of which I went through all my old clothes and tried on some things I have from last year and let me tell you this was when I realized it, I am so0o0o much smaller than I was then and there is a huge difference now from even 6 months ago. And keeping with the theme I took some pics of me in my old clothes - just a warning I have not shirt on, I have my bra on, but just thought Id give ya the heads up before I flached my' belly at ya'all
These capris were seriously tight in the spring (Aprilish) and now they fall off of me, the first pic you can dee my extra space in the abdomen and to me the most amazing thing is the second one, my thighs are a trouble area and when I first started wearing these capris that were so tight on my thighs!
These sweat pants did not even fit me when I first started this journey last July and now they are enormous, this was an eye opener for me, I have a hard time giving myself credit or even acknowledging that I am smaller, but here it makes it obvious, I have lost ALOT of weight and I am on my way, I should really just congradulate myself and not be so hard on myself about this chill time in the 190's. But Im just ready to quit the sugar, the binges and the bullshit, I am ready see the numbers moving again - so why am I sabbotaging myself??? I dont really know but it time I found out or at least got my shit together.
Oh and you ladies have no clue how insanely excited (and nervous) to see you all in 3 DAYS - holy hell!
So I decided to get on a dating cite and try to meet some hot men in Columbus that I could at least date, and well I really hate to be the type of person, but this is so bizarre that I had to show my ladies ... does it shock and amaze you as much as me??
This guy messages me and basically asks me on a date, so I check out his profile and these are his profile pics:
This guy messages me and basically asks me on a date, so I check out his profile and these are his profile pics:
I mean honestly ... I think I am an open minded person, but that man likes women?? I cannot even believe it, its funny and scary and well wierd!!!!!
Ohhh man, where the hell is my manly charming hunk?? Obviously not there
So I think Im gonna be a follower and partake in my girl Draz's I Wish Wednesday.
I wish I could get a handle on the carbs. Mostly the sugar, I have become a carb-a-holic in the last week and its really miffing me seeing as I have also become a work-out-a-holic and I KNOW I would be in the 180's right now if it wasn't for these intense cravings/ my weak mind. I am going to pay extra attention to taking my clacium and magnesium as that sometimes helps me when I get all sugar crazy and well I guess its time for me to start talking to myself. Affirmations reallyt help me and I have learned if I beleive I can control my sugar cravings I can!! And I really wish I could see the 180's that would e amazing.
I wish I could have my clothes that I ordered on Moday right now! You have no idea how excited I am about clothes, I have never in my life been able to be stylish and trendy and well I am ready to be, I am tall and am startin to see that cute bod, so I think I will look somewhat like those girls in the catalogs (maybe they got me tho :S) I also wish that everything fits, if it does I may just have to vlog a little, my skinny clothes fit me jig.
Speaking of vlogs I wish that I could figure how to get vlogs to download onto blogger, it will upload for hours and nothing!
I wish I could eat Japenese food everyday of my life! I am eating leftovers right now and I must say delicioso!!!
I wish all you amazing ladies knew how much I love and appreciate you. I have NEVER felt so empowered, supported, and loved as I do in this community - Thankyou!! I am so excited to see you all as real people, not cyber being in Chicago, I am warning you now I may run up and hug some of you as if we are long time freinds so sorry for the weird factor in advance :) I also wish I wasnt nervous about Chicago, meeting you all is like meeting all these people I so admire and I want badly to make a good impression and be as accepted and loved in real life as I feel in my cyber world.
and finally, I wish I could meet someone, I am soo0o on the prowl (meow) I am ready ready to date, to flirt, to make out a bit ( OK maybe alot but whatever) !!
I wish I could get a handle on the carbs. Mostly the sugar, I have become a carb-a-holic in the last week and its really miffing me seeing as I have also become a work-out-a-holic and I KNOW I would be in the 180's right now if it wasn't for these intense cravings/ my weak mind. I am going to pay extra attention to taking my clacium and magnesium as that sometimes helps me when I get all sugar crazy and well I guess its time for me to start talking to myself. Affirmations reallyt help me and I have learned if I beleive I can control my sugar cravings I can!! And I really wish I could see the 180's that would e amazing.
I wish I could have my clothes that I ordered on Moday right now! You have no idea how excited I am about clothes, I have never in my life been able to be stylish and trendy and well I am ready to be, I am tall and am startin to see that cute bod, so I think I will look somewhat like those girls in the catalogs (maybe they got me tho :S) I also wish that everything fits, if it does I may just have to vlog a little, my skinny clothes fit me jig.
Speaking of vlogs I wish that I could figure how to get vlogs to download onto blogger, it will upload for hours and nothing!
I wish I could eat Japenese food everyday of my life! I am eating leftovers right now and I must say delicioso!!!
I wish all you amazing ladies knew how much I love and appreciate you. I have NEVER felt so empowered, supported, and loved as I do in this community - Thankyou!! I am so excited to see you all as real people, not cyber being in Chicago, I am warning you now I may run up and hug some of you as if we are long time freinds so sorry for the weird factor in advance :) I also wish I wasnt nervous about Chicago, meeting you all is like meeting all these people I so admire and I want badly to make a good impression and be as accepted and loved in real life as I feel in my cyber world.
and finally, I wish I could meet someone, I am soo0o on the prowl (meow) I am ready ready to date, to flirt, to make out a bit ( OK maybe alot but whatever) !!
Hope ya'all are enjoying your labor day weekend!
UPDATE
I have be a naughty naughty girl ( for some reason when I do bad things and say naughty I feel much less bad about it)
1. My eating habits have been waaaayy out of control, why do I let sugar take over my world??
2. I decided today that I was in need of a new wardrobe as none of my winter clothes fit me and I am getting awful close to goal so I thought if I bought my clothes on the smaller side then I could buy a good portion of new clothes - so I spent an absolute exorbant amount of money on a what can only be called a shit-ton on new clothes. I bought them in juniors mediums and juniors 11s which makes me nervous because what if I bought all these new clothes and cant fit into them, I know eventually I will fit into them, but what about now, Im going to have to wear my one pair of jeans that fit and oversized sweaters - yea! not, I am ready to be hot and trendy and it will be awful if all my hot and trendy clothes are too small. I guess that will just give me an incentive to get my eating under control. Also I do not have alot of play money, so Im pretty sure all the clothes I bought will take all my play money for the rest of the year - but I wanted to celebrate my good work and I do need new clothes.
3. I have been awarded several awards and have neglected to thank my darlings for the reward or continue the cycle, so0o0o here goes:
1. Post who gave you this award:
Thank you Liz at http://lizandrk.blogspot.com/ for giving me this award, you are truly one of my besties, I am so grateful that I met you and that you will be my roomie in Chicago!
2. State 10 things you like:
1) dancing
2) languages
3) suede boots with heals
4) running
5) key lime pie
6) planning things
7) making out ;)
8) sweaters
9) tall dark and handsome
10) accents
3. Give this award to 10 other bloggers and notify them with a comment:
Joey http://turnitdownfrom11.blogspot.com/
Stephanie http://ready4anewme.blogspot.com/
Amy http://babblesofabandster.blogspot.com/
Mary http://bandmeimready.blogspot.com/
Jess http://jaeworldizin.blogspot.com/
Blossom http://blossombanded.blogspot.com/
Coco http://curvaspeligrozas.blogspot.com/
Leah http://marshmallowfluff2010.blogspot.com/
Grace http://graces-fat-chance.blogspot.com/
Angie http://angieinrepair.blogspot.com/
In July ( I know I am really naughty) two wonderful blogg buddies nominated me for this award too ( I really do appreciate the love ladies) those two ladies were: Leah: http://marshmallowfluff2010.blogspot.com/ and
RULES:
Thank the person giving the award. check
Share seven things about yourself.
Nominate 15 newly discovered blogs.
Let your nominees know about the award.
7 things about me:
1) I know how to speak a little conversational Egyptian Arabic - salaam
2) I teach ESL classes on Mondays and Wednesdays - I have never felt so amazing as I do after I am done with a class
3) I want to go backpacking through Europe as my reward for when I meet my weight goal (160 lbs)
4) My favorite type of restaurant is hibachi style Japanese food ( I could eat it eeryday for the rest of my life seriously )
5) I am a cryer - I literally cry at least once a day, anything can make me cry; a country song, movies, or just seeing a dad playing with his kids - its loco
6) My dad named me beth after the kiss song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uABnCLr4Pp0 he was a kiss freak as a kid
7) I think my internal clock has started to tick, I am getting thoughts of marriage and babies all the time lately; which is very unlike me - good lord sometimes fighting nature is so hard ha ha
15 people I nominate:
1) Caroline http://finallygonnafinish.blogspot.com/
2)Kristen http://kris10-mylapbandjourney.blogspot.com/
3)Brooke http://lapbandlabyrinth.blogspot.com/
4)Janelle http://janellody.blogspot.com/
5) Maria http://lasttrainoutoffatland.blogspot.com/
6)Camille http://livinglargeincc.blogspot.com/
7)Meli http://lovemelimeli.blogspot.com/
8)Alecejo http://myrescueispossible.blogspot.com/
9)Falon http://shesdonelostit.blogspot.com/
10)Sarah http://nwanonymom.blogspot.com/
11)Amanda M http://chocolateandcokeband.blogspot.com/
12)Ms Chunky Chick http://chunkychickgetstiny.blogspot.com/
13)Maria http://mybigfatbandgeeklife.blogspot.com/
14)nikki http://tobefatnomore.blogspot.com/
15)McKayla http://truelife-ivebeenbanded.blogspot.com/
OMG that was intense - but I didit, I love my ladies!!!!!
UPDATE
I have be a naughty naughty girl ( for some reason when I do bad things and say naughty I feel much less bad about it)
1. My eating habits have been waaaayy out of control, why do I let sugar take over my world??
2. I decided today that I was in need of a new wardrobe as none of my winter clothes fit me and I am getting awful close to goal so I thought if I bought my clothes on the smaller side then I could buy a good portion of new clothes - so I spent an absolute exorbant amount of money on a what can only be called a shit-ton on new clothes. I bought them in juniors mediums and juniors 11s which makes me nervous because what if I bought all these new clothes and cant fit into them, I know eventually I will fit into them, but what about now, Im going to have to wear my one pair of jeans that fit and oversized sweaters - yea! not, I am ready to be hot and trendy and it will be awful if all my hot and trendy clothes are too small. I guess that will just give me an incentive to get my eating under control. Also I do not have alot of play money, so Im pretty sure all the clothes I bought will take all my play money for the rest of the year - but I wanted to celebrate my good work and I do need new clothes.
3. I have been awarded several awards and have neglected to thank my darlings for the reward or continue the cycle, so0o0o here goes:
Thank you Liz at http://lizandrk.blogspot.com/ for giving me this award, you are truly one of my besties, I am so grateful that I met you and that you will be my roomie in Chicago!
2. State 10 things you like:
1) dancing
2) languages
3) suede boots with heals
4) running
5) key lime pie
6) planning things
7) making out ;)
8) sweaters
9) tall dark and handsome
10) accents
3. Give this award to 10 other bloggers and notify them with a comment:
Joey http://turnitdownfrom11.blogspot.com/
Stephanie http://ready4anewme.blogspot.com/
Amy http://babblesofabandster.blogspot.com/
Mary http://bandmeimready.blogspot.com/
Jess http://jaeworldizin.blogspot.com/
Blossom http://blossombanded.blogspot.com/
Coco http://curvaspeligrozas.blogspot.com/
Leah http://marshmallowfluff2010.blogspot.com/
Grace http://graces-fat-chance.blogspot.com/
Angie http://angieinrepair.blogspot.com/
In July ( I know I am really naughty) two wonderful blogg buddies nominated me for this award too ( I really do appreciate the love ladies) those two ladies were: Leah: http://marshmallowfluff2010.blogspot.com/ and
RULES:
Thank the person giving the award. check
Share seven things about yourself.
Nominate 15 newly discovered blogs.
Let your nominees know about the award.
7 things about me:
1) I know how to speak a little conversational Egyptian Arabic - salaam
2) I teach ESL classes on Mondays and Wednesdays - I have never felt so amazing as I do after I am done with a class
3) I want to go backpacking through Europe as my reward for when I meet my weight goal (160 lbs)
4) My favorite type of restaurant is hibachi style Japanese food ( I could eat it eeryday for the rest of my life seriously )
5) I am a cryer - I literally cry at least once a day, anything can make me cry; a country song, movies, or just seeing a dad playing with his kids - its loco
6) My dad named me beth after the kiss song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uABnCLr4Pp0 he was a kiss freak as a kid
7) I think my internal clock has started to tick, I am getting thoughts of marriage and babies all the time lately; which is very unlike me - good lord sometimes fighting nature is so hard ha ha
15 people I nominate:
1) Caroline http://finallygonnafinish.blogspot.com/
2)Kristen http://kris10-mylapbandjourney.blogspot.com/
3)Brooke http://lapbandlabyrinth.blogspot.com/
4)Janelle http://janellody.blogspot.com/
5) Maria http://lasttrainoutoffatland.blogspot.com/
6)Camille http://livinglargeincc.blogspot.com/
7)Meli http://lovemelimeli.blogspot.com/
8)Alecejo http://myrescueispossible.blogspot.com/
9)Falon http://shesdonelostit.blogspot.com/
10)Sarah http://nwanonymom.blogspot.com/
11)Amanda M http://chocolateandcokeband.blogspot.com/
12)Ms Chunky Chick http://chunkychickgetstiny.blogspot.com/
13)Maria http://mybigfatbandgeeklife.blogspot.com/
14)nikki http://tobefatnomore.blogspot.com/
15)McKayla http://truelife-ivebeenbanded.blogspot.com/
OMG that was intense - but I didit, I love my ladies!!!!!
Amy from Babbles of a Bandster (http://babblesofabandster.blogspot.com/2010/09/thousand-word-thursday.html) started a new thing called 'Thousand Word Thursday,' today's subject is:
'Let's celebrate our own beauty and how wonderful we all look with a photo of your favorite feature (on your own body and not X-rated, please, Draz!)'
'Let's celebrate our own beauty and how wonderful we all look with a photo of your favorite feature (on your own body and not X-rated, please, Draz!)'
Well here goes,
Yep, my favorite feature would most definately be my eyes. (WARNING: I am about to become very obnoxiously egotistical so get a bucket close in case I make you want to vom. ) I first of all love the color of my eyes, they are green with a thin rim of deep dark blue and golden speckles in them. The shade of green or yellow or blue changes with what I wear and my makeup and people ask me alot if they are contacts - nope, all naturale. I also like the shape of my eyes they are a pretty, exotic almondy shape - I think Brooke (http://lapbandlabyrinth.blogspot.com/) called them tigress eyes so thankyou for that one.
First of all thankyou to all you WOMDERFUL ladies who commented on my updated before and now pics; you are all the most supportive and amazing FAMILY of women!!!
Second of all this is about to be a very deep (hopefully not too depressing) post so be warned!
I would just like to start this post out by saying, I may sound depressed, but I am really not - I think I am just ready to start my next phase of this process - the important phase. Now I am ready to become the woman I have always wanted to be when before I was ready to be the weight of the woman I had always wanted to be. So what is this whole thing about. Well, at 285 pounds I may have done something most people say they didn't do - I think (OK I know) I told myself that "if I was skinny ___________ would not be this way." Yes, I was that girl. The reason I was not in love, had few friends, was a slob (which sadly I was), I felt my family did not love and except me, I did not love and except me, was because I was obese. Well, miss thang wake up, because you are not obese anymore, you are almost not even overweight technically (even tho I would definately NOT call myself overweight, but Im talking medical here) and guess what a lot of those things are still here. I am on my way to goal, I am the thinnest I have ever been as an adult and now I can't use my weight as the reason that I am not, well happy. This is not to say that my life is terrible, but now I am ready and I want more. I used to think that losing weight was the be all end all - it would solve all my problems, but now I realize it doesn't now I have to solve all my problems! Wow - that is crazy.
Who I am in the real world and who I am in the blog world are much much different. Here I feel I am much closer to my true self, I have the comfort of my computer to let me be me and not feel the pressure, plus if I say anything that I feel I could be judged on, I can just delete or edit my post to reflect what I truly want to say. In the real world I am very very guarded. What I think is that I have just had waaaayy to many people hurt my feelings or tease me or treat me bad (as it IS easier to pick on the fat kid) so I just keep to myself. But the extent of my anti-social behavior is more offensive than defensive. I have a tendency to be abrasive and I push people away. I am very high strung around people and I tend to look for every flaw in them ( I guess to be prepared if they are mean to me, I don't know). I am not sure when this terrible attitude problem started, but what I do know is that I have used it for a very long time to keep people away from me and keep them from hurting me - and sadly I have succeeded. People can feel the energy I put out, I have been called intimidating, wound tight, bitchy, scarey, the list can go on and on.
I am a control freak. I feel the need to prove that I am amazing, I have a long strung out array of majors and minors, I have to look good, I have to have more, do more, be more. Its all about being better and being in control. In control of situations, in control of relationships, in control of my life. I cannot handle embarassment, it kills me when I do something that makes me look stupid, I will literally go over it over and over in my mind trying to decide if other people even think about it still or not (how devastated should I be) and I will go over the same embarassing happening for years! so I am rigid. I try to avoid any and all experiences that will make me look like an idiot - I know pathetic.
I have had a huge issue about feeling wanted, I have not really ever felt wanted. I thought my family didn't want me, I felt that many people in school didn't want me, and every person I meet I think in the back of my head, I wonder what they want from me and how long it will be before they show that they do not want me. But now that I look at it, I really think that the real person who never excepted me was me. I decided before I would even meet someone that they would not like me, back then because I was fat, and now, well I dont know why - yet. I decided that my family did not love or except me, that they couldnt unless I was thin, I see how much they do love me now and how much they would have loved me before if it wasn't for the fact that I pushed them ALL away, I would not speak to anyone, and if I did it was with a very nasty attitude. I decided that I was unlovable, and since then I have not let anyone love me. Yet all I have ever wanted was to feel loved and wanted. Why, do I stop myself from what I have always wanted?? I do not know -yet.
I am to the point where I no longer want to be that person. I don't want to be angry, I don't want to be negative. I do not want to look for every flaw in a person just to make myself feel better, feel equal. I want to be open, happy, uplifting, inviting, and most of all I want to be free. I don't know when I started to entrap myself or what it is that I have barried that I have been protecting myself from, but I am ready to move on, to have more than acquaintances - to have true full friendships, to have realtionships with my family, and to fall in love. I am ready to trust people and love people and open my heart again. This I know will be much harder than losing weight, that is just math - eat less work out more; but this is a matter of the mind and the heart, and with that there is no equation to fixing. But what I do realize is that I want a wonderful, amazing, happy, full life and to get to that castle I have to swim across the mote - I got my suit on and the goggles, guess its about time I just jumped in ya know??
Second of all this is about to be a very deep (hopefully not too depressing) post so be warned!
I would just like to start this post out by saying, I may sound depressed, but I am really not - I think I am just ready to start my next phase of this process - the important phase. Now I am ready to become the woman I have always wanted to be when before I was ready to be the weight of the woman I had always wanted to be. So what is this whole thing about. Well, at 285 pounds I may have done something most people say they didn't do - I think (OK I know) I told myself that "if I was skinny ___________ would not be this way." Yes, I was that girl. The reason I was not in love, had few friends, was a slob (which sadly I was), I felt my family did not love and except me, I did not love and except me, was because I was obese. Well, miss thang wake up, because you are not obese anymore, you are almost not even overweight technically (even tho I would definately NOT call myself overweight, but Im talking medical here) and guess what a lot of those things are still here. I am on my way to goal, I am the thinnest I have ever been as an adult and now I can't use my weight as the reason that I am not, well happy. This is not to say that my life is terrible, but now I am ready and I want more. I used to think that losing weight was the be all end all - it would solve all my problems, but now I realize it doesn't now I have to solve all my problems! Wow - that is crazy.
Who I am in the real world and who I am in the blog world are much much different. Here I feel I am much closer to my true self, I have the comfort of my computer to let me be me and not feel the pressure, plus if I say anything that I feel I could be judged on, I can just delete or edit my post to reflect what I truly want to say. In the real world I am very very guarded. What I think is that I have just had waaaayy to many people hurt my feelings or tease me or treat me bad (as it IS easier to pick on the fat kid) so I just keep to myself. But the extent of my anti-social behavior is more offensive than defensive. I have a tendency to be abrasive and I push people away. I am very high strung around people and I tend to look for every flaw in them ( I guess to be prepared if they are mean to me, I don't know). I am not sure when this terrible attitude problem started, but what I do know is that I have used it for a very long time to keep people away from me and keep them from hurting me - and sadly I have succeeded. People can feel the energy I put out, I have been called intimidating, wound tight, bitchy, scarey, the list can go on and on.
I am a control freak. I feel the need to prove that I am amazing, I have a long strung out array of majors and minors, I have to look good, I have to have more, do more, be more. Its all about being better and being in control. In control of situations, in control of relationships, in control of my life. I cannot handle embarassment, it kills me when I do something that makes me look stupid, I will literally go over it over and over in my mind trying to decide if other people even think about it still or not (how devastated should I be) and I will go over the same embarassing happening for years! so I am rigid. I try to avoid any and all experiences that will make me look like an idiot - I know pathetic.
I have had a huge issue about feeling wanted, I have not really ever felt wanted. I thought my family didn't want me, I felt that many people in school didn't want me, and every person I meet I think in the back of my head, I wonder what they want from me and how long it will be before they show that they do not want me. But now that I look at it, I really think that the real person who never excepted me was me. I decided before I would even meet someone that they would not like me, back then because I was fat, and now, well I dont know why - yet. I decided that my family did not love or except me, that they couldnt unless I was thin, I see how much they do love me now and how much they would have loved me before if it wasn't for the fact that I pushed them ALL away, I would not speak to anyone, and if I did it was with a very nasty attitude. I decided that I was unlovable, and since then I have not let anyone love me. Yet all I have ever wanted was to feel loved and wanted. Why, do I stop myself from what I have always wanted?? I do not know -yet.
I am to the point where I no longer want to be that person. I don't want to be angry, I don't want to be negative. I do not want to look for every flaw in a person just to make myself feel better, feel equal. I want to be open, happy, uplifting, inviting, and most of all I want to be free. I don't know when I started to entrap myself or what it is that I have barried that I have been protecting myself from, but I am ready to move on, to have more than acquaintances - to have true full friendships, to have realtionships with my family, and to fall in love. I am ready to trust people and love people and open my heart again. This I know will be much harder than losing weight, that is just math - eat less work out more; but this is a matter of the mind and the heart, and with that there is no equation to fixing. But what I do realize is that I want a wonderful, amazing, happy, full life and to get to that castle I have to swim across the mote - I got my suit on and the goggles, guess its about time I just jumped in ya know??
Happy Wednesday!!!!
That may be a little over-enthusiastic of a greeting, but I have been working out ALOT lately and I am on a non- stop endorphine high which makes me one happy, easy to get along with girl!
I've seen quite of few of my favs posting some before and after pictures and thought to myself, I havenot really EVER done that. I don't know exactly why, but partly I think its because for me its very hard to admit where I was and also its because at my highest weight I did not leave my house for much and I certaintly was not not going to allow anyone to take a picture of the sad state I had found myself in.
But now I am over that, now those before picctures are just a sign of how hard I have worked and the progress I have made so here it goes: The one on the left is from my trip to Egypt in March 2008, I think I weighed around 260 here, I actually managed to lose 35-40 pounds and then gain 60 back by June the next year as I was 285 when I started my lap band journey, but I honestly cannot find any pictures of me from then so this will have to do. And of course the one on the right is me today!
That may be a little over-enthusiastic of a greeting, but I have been working out ALOT lately and I am on a non- stop endorphine high which makes me one happy, easy to get along with girl!
I've seen quite of few of my favs posting some before and after pictures and thought to myself, I havenot really EVER done that. I don't know exactly why, but partly I think its because for me its very hard to admit where I was and also its because at my highest weight I did not leave my house for much and I certaintly was not not going to allow anyone to take a picture of the sad state I had found myself in.
But now I am over that, now those before picctures are just a sign of how hard I have worked and the progress I have made so here it goes: The one on the left is from my trip to Egypt in March 2008, I think I weighed around 260 here, I actually managed to lose 35-40 pounds and then gain 60 back by June the next year as I was 285 when I started my lap band journey, but I honestly cannot find any pictures of me from then so this will have to do. And of course the one on the right is me today!
Ahh it is such an amazing feeling to know that I am not there anymore I weight around 75 pounds less than that girl and have lost around 95!! Wow - thank you lap band, I KNOW I would not be where I am right now if it wasnt for that decision.
Ohh and here are some more pictures of me from today, I was feeling a bit vain so I had a little photo shoot cha know. Also if you didn't notice, I cut my hair :) .
Dear Period,
Will you please go away, you MAKE me crave naughty foods - high sugar, high salt naughtiness. I have 8 pounds to lose for Chicago and I am working out like an alstar, but the cookies and chips are sabotaging my good effort. So if you could just stop bringing out cravings that would perfect.
Sincerly Yours,
Beth
Will you please go away, you MAKE me crave naughty foods - high sugar, high salt naughtiness. I have 8 pounds to lose for Chicago and I am working out like an alstar, but the cookies and chips are sabotaging my good effort. So if you could just stop bringing out cravings that would perfect.
Sincerly Yours,
Beth
I hope everyone has enjoyed their weekend!
I went to the doc's on Friday, since June I have lost 20lbs! The nutritionist was so proud of me, my doctor (who is hard core I must say) told me well, you should have lost 4 more pounds to be averaging 2lbs a week. I explained how tight I was and he scolded me for not getting an unfil and told me he would have to take all 2.5 ccs out that he had put in to get let the swelling come down and then in a month I can get 1.5 ccs put back in. I got a bit of a lecture about my band and slippage - which I probably deserved.
Well hello hunger! I actually feel hungry, my stomache growled for the first time in months! It was crazy. I am getting hungry much faster, but thedoctor warned me it was going to be like that and he also said I may gain a little weight at first, but I am determined not to let that happen!! I have sworn off the flavored lemonades, strawberry daqueris (virgin) and mini desserts at work. I am planning my meals and making good decisions AND training for the 5K, which will be including 2 workout a day and 3 sessions with my trainer - I will not gain I will make my 185 goal for Chicago and I WILL run the 5 K in Chicago!!!
Yesterday must have been a skinny day for me. I get to work and a co-worker tells me how she hasn't seen me for 2 weeks and I look like I've lost 15lbs - very nice. One of the guys I used to work with, who is one of my besties, had moved and surprised us all by stopping in and the first thing he says to me is "You've lost more weight," then finally we all met up at a bar and I saw a girl I used to work with 2 years ago and she spent the whole conversation rubbing my back and telling me how little and skinny I was. I als o got hit on by some guy there, but it was awkward as I thought he was gay and hitting on my guy friend - ha ha.
There are moments when I look at my body and I am so impressed and happy - I do feel like I am starting to really like what I look at. BUT then two second later I can take a secon look and all I see are stretchmarks loose skin and the 30 pounds that I still need to lose. This is crazy, I cannot even remember what my body used to look like, and there are moments when I feel like I hate my body now just as much as I used to, as if my 190 pound body is just as lumpy and big as my 285 pound body, now mentally I know that is not the case, but in my head its quite off. This emotional craziness that is going on has left me with a big fear. I am 30 pounds from goal. So what then, what will happen when I do not have anymore weight to lose and I am still not perfect, will I still not be happy? Will it ever be good enough? And is this need to have a great body, is it even really about my body or is it something else, some deep set feeling of inadequacy that I am projecting onto my body because it is something physical that I can do something about. I am just really worried that I still wont be happy at 160 pounds - Is it ever going to be good enough.
... And if not can I deal with it not being perfect??
I went to the doc's on Friday, since June I have lost 20lbs! The nutritionist was so proud of me, my doctor (who is hard core I must say) told me well, you should have lost 4 more pounds to be averaging 2lbs a week. I explained how tight I was and he scolded me for not getting an unfil and told me he would have to take all 2.5 ccs out that he had put in to get let the swelling come down and then in a month I can get 1.5 ccs put back in. I got a bit of a lecture about my band and slippage - which I probably deserved.
Well hello hunger! I actually feel hungry, my stomache growled for the first time in months! It was crazy. I am getting hungry much faster, but thedoctor warned me it was going to be like that and he also said I may gain a little weight at first, but I am determined not to let that happen!! I have sworn off the flavored lemonades, strawberry daqueris (virgin) and mini desserts at work. I am planning my meals and making good decisions AND training for the 5K, which will be including 2 workout a day and 3 sessions with my trainer - I will not gain I will make my 185 goal for Chicago and I WILL run the 5 K in Chicago!!!
Yesterday must have been a skinny day for me. I get to work and a co-worker tells me how she hasn't seen me for 2 weeks and I look like I've lost 15lbs - very nice. One of the guys I used to work with, who is one of my besties, had moved and surprised us all by stopping in and the first thing he says to me is "You've lost more weight," then finally we all met up at a bar and I saw a girl I used to work with 2 years ago and she spent the whole conversation rubbing my back and telling me how little and skinny I was. I als o got hit on by some guy there, but it was awkward as I thought he was gay and hitting on my guy friend - ha ha.
There are moments when I look at my body and I am so impressed and happy - I do feel like I am starting to really like what I look at. BUT then two second later I can take a secon look and all I see are stretchmarks loose skin and the 30 pounds that I still need to lose. This is crazy, I cannot even remember what my body used to look like, and there are moments when I feel like I hate my body now just as much as I used to, as if my 190 pound body is just as lumpy and big as my 285 pound body, now mentally I know that is not the case, but in my head its quite off. This emotional craziness that is going on has left me with a big fear. I am 30 pounds from goal. So what then, what will happen when I do not have anymore weight to lose and I am still not perfect, will I still not be happy? Will it ever be good enough? And is this need to have a great body, is it even really about my body or is it something else, some deep set feeling of inadequacy that I am projecting onto my body because it is something physical that I can do something about. I am just really worried that I still wont be happy at 160 pounds - Is it ever going to be good enough.
... And if not can I deal with it not being perfect??
First I would like to say that after re-reading my blog from last night, it was obvious that I was in serious need of sleep, my spelling and grammar was t-e-r-r-i-b-l-e! I obviously was a sleep deprived zombie.
So I know you all are just waiting to see my belly and know what on earth has brought me to the point of flashing the world, but ya'all are just gonna have to hold yer horses and read for a while ( or for the rebels, just scroll down ha ha ). This is my update on diet/ excersize/ weight loss world. I have basically not had time to do much of anything but study, volunteer, and work for the last 2-3 weeks. So therefore the couch 2 5k has been on the back burner :( wah wah. I am going to the gym after this, so its back on the saddle again. I will be running that damn 5 k in Chicago, if they have to bring me oxygen at the finish line!! I did work out with my trainer 2x a week up until last week which I only did one and I will be doing one session tomorrow for this week. On the food front, I would say I have been concious, but more concious that I am not eating very well!
When I did have the time to run and work out and tried to make good eating decisions I was bouncing aroung the 198 range for, well since the second to last week of the challenge. I was frustrated, but then I realized I didnt have time to worry about it . I stopped stepping on that scale, I stopped working out, and I stopped worrying about what I was eating. So needless to say yesterday I was not looking forward to stepping that scale. And do you know what it said?! 193!! Holy Cow! I was not expecting that - at ALL! And then when I got on the scale this morning it said 191!!! 191, do you know that that means I am almost in the 180's I am 6 pounds away from 100 pounds down - now that is an accomplishment!! I know that the scale is going to play games with my head and will be up abit tomorrow, but Im ok with it.
So I know you all are just waiting to see my belly and know what on earth has brought me to the point of flashing the world, but ya'all are just gonna have to hold yer horses and read for a while ( or for the rebels, just scroll down ha ha ). This is my update on diet/ excersize/ weight loss world. I have basically not had time to do much of anything but study, volunteer, and work for the last 2-3 weeks. So therefore the couch 2 5k has been on the back burner :( wah wah. I am going to the gym after this, so its back on the saddle again. I will be running that damn 5 k in Chicago, if they have to bring me oxygen at the finish line!! I did work out with my trainer 2x a week up until last week which I only did one and I will be doing one session tomorrow for this week. On the food front, I would say I have been concious, but more concious that I am not eating very well!
Here's my dilema: My band is tight! I mean like I don't even eat 1/2 of a cup tight. I am not even hungry until 12:00 tight. I am not PB'ing all over the place, but I take two, three, five bites - and thats it, thats a meal. I know this is not good, but I am teatering on the idea of getting a slight unfill. I kind of like how tight I am, it in a way liberates me. I literally will eat anything I want, but I can only eat about 3 bites of it. Yesterday, I had an extra large sugarfree redbull and probably 10 fruit snacks all day, that is it. Ok I know that sounds terrible, but in my defense I had a presentation and a final so I was practising, and studying all day and then I has ESL classes and then I went to bed! But I was not even hungry or felt a need to get food. This is the end of eating what I love until I can no longer look at it (OK that hasn't happened in months) or until its coming back up (that, unfortunately has happened in a much shorter amount of time :S). I cannot eat alot, but I can eat a little of everything. I do wish that I could eat meals, because I do tend to eat just a little of the good stuff and then an hour when Im no longer "filled" I am left stuffing myself with ice cream. I have a fill appointment tomorrow, I know if I tell the doc I can only eat 5 bites of solid food at a time, he will throwing me on the bed and sticking me like its no tomorrow, and maybe thats what I need, but right now I dont have to make decisions, my band is doing it for me and well I am sort of liking it.
Alright alright, now my belly stuff. I have really started to notice my body (at least with my upper body) really start to look nice, working out with my trainer has helped me alot, although I want my butt lifted and thighs tightened, what I am getting for now are toned shoulders and back and a flat stomach! My stomach is slimming down nicely I must say and so I took some pictures last night and thought I should share the flatness.
We'll start with a face pic (as I don't want my stomach to be on everyone's dashboard, someday I will take pictures of me with makeup, but I never think to take pictures when I have just put on makeup so you guys just get to see my face with only makeup residue .
Alright, well now here is my belly, Im a bit nervous to show you, you get to see my zebra stripes (stratch marks) battle wounds (surgery scars). Along with a few new freinds, allow me to introduce you to my ribs and my port!!!
Do ya see it?!!!
So life has been a blur, if anyone is on my facebook you may have seen the insane amount of pics I just uploaded from the last few weeks, its a myriad of all the activites I have been doing for my Spanish class. If not here are some highlights:
I have been one busy bee, but I miss my ladies!! I know at this point catching up on the last month's worth of blogs is probably impossible, so if I missed something important, I'm sorry!!! But I am finally free so I will be much more attentive. I really loved the work I did this summer, even if it was an insane amount of work. I love the kids at the Centro de Esperanza, I have made connection and friendsships as well as have a place volunteer and contribte to the community. I have found I really enjoy teaching ESL classes, its fun, like playing school, but the students actually listen and do what I say ha ha
Ok well I havent slept since monday so im exhausted and its time to crash - i will be blogging tomorrow, and its another photoe pic, AND for all you creepers I will be showing you my belly, yup the zebra print abdomen - I know you are shaking with anticipation. There is a reason I will be flashing the world my torso, but ill get into that tommorrow!!
- tootaloo
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