Moving on - recognizing the "fat" moments that broke my heart

Well first of all I woke up this morning and my handsome and charming scale wanted to make up, so it gave me a present - 219!!!!!!!!!!! I was tickled, as my mama would say. First I did a little sayonara 220's dance in my kitchen and then on my way to class I was yelling, yelling 'I'm only 5 pounds away from not being obese, 5 lbs!!!! That is amazing, it will also in fact be the lowest I have ever weighed in my adult life! When I was 17 I weighed 215 for about a week and then started the climb up to 285 by the time I was a freshmen in college!

Yesterday I was in my Public Health class, its a class on behavior and health and I love it, it really is interesting and helps me learn alot about myself and methods to take to continue healthy behavior, get to my goal weight and keep it off. So they were talking about childhood obesity and programs implemented in the Columbus area to help fight this terrible phenomena. Then there was a moment when they talked about body image. Body image is probably the worst part of my overweightedness for me. I HATE my body. I feel I have ruined it as I now am COVERED in stripes from stretch marks, I truly could be confused with a zebra, this is no joke. I have no boobs and yet my butt and thighs are gargantuous, I can spend hours pulling and prodding at things I don't like or smoothing my stomach out to see what it would look like had I not ruined it. Its really bad and I have to make a conscious effort not to touch and to look in the mirror and tell myself I AM beautiful just the way I am every time I start the obsessive negative behavior. I have gotten better, but it is a serious issue.

Well, anyhoo the speakers were talking about avoiding negative body image, and one speaker said that she remembered going to the doctor and him rubbing her belly and asking her if she was storing up for winter. Isn't that terrible? Well it made me think, its time I got out all the hurtful things that I remember, a bit of cleansing, as I am not that fat little girl anymore, I am a beautiful, intelligent curvy woman and I am no longer going to be held down by these memories.

1. In kindergarten I broke my wrist and it grew back crooked and the doctor told my mom not to worry because I would be bigger and no would be able to tell the difference - INCOMPETENT ASS HOLE
2. My grandma, with the best intentions would take me clothes shopping because it was so hard to find me clothes. And she would buy me little boys husky's because that was what would fit me.
3. My sister who is 6 years older than me told me that I needed to lose weight because she was embarrassed to tell her friends that I was her sister.
4. My mom would always say to me, do I need to put you on a diet?
5. My aunts would always bombard me and ask me to go work out with them, not my other cousins, just me because I needed it! And one time my took me bike riding up this gigantic hill and I couldn't do it, I was embarrassed and mad and threw a fit, no support, so I never went bike riding with her again.
6. All the times I was told I have a beautiful face, I was not beautiful, because I was fat, but my face was pretty
7. Every time my mom would tell me, ohh thats not going to fit you, or would not even let me try to go to normal clothes stores and we would walk into the plus sized first, or say us big girls do/ need this - I do not like labels
8. In middle school I played basket ball and my nickname was BB ( big beth) everyone pretended it was something else, but I could hear the snickering and mean things said behind my back even though I pretended I didn't hear them, during games they would chant, go BB go BB go, and it was absolutely heart breaking some days.

These moments truly hurt me and many of them I have never told a soul that I knew they were happening or how it made me feel. I feel it may be too late to confront these people, even though I really wish I could grow the balls to walk straight up to my family and friends and tell them they owe me an apology, that would truly give me some relief, but I think I would cry and make it an ordeal and I don't want that. So this will have to suffice for now, I am NOT THAT GIRL ANYMORE, and its time I move past those moments and move on.