Today I cried .... happy tears!

Yesterday was exhausting, I took my exam ( I got a B- which by the way I am NOT happy about). Midterms stress me out and I didn't do exceptional on the eating front as I was studying, and I didn't sleep all night, so my trying to work on the weight front has been on a scale of 1 -10 a 3 I would say. As I am 100% on everything kind of girl I didn't really like that, but when I am in survival mode (surviving midterms in this case) I just try to make it through the days. I then went to Max and Erma's and got tortilla soup with the ex and had a warm baked cookie - totally delish, but definitely not health or scale friendly. Went home and went straight to bed! I awoke and did the standard routine of going to the bathroom, getting butt naked and getting on the scale. And the results were: 

.... 

....

wait for it 

...

....

drum roll please!!!

drdrdrdrdrdrd

Yes ladies and gentlemen that is right so after my 2 weeks of disaster and last weekend that was a ehh at the most I got on the scale and it said 213!!!! I cried, I started my period today so I am crying at everything, but I did, I bawled like a little baby. 

So its 6 lbs, thats great, but why are crying you nut case? Well I am 2 lbs UNDER my lowest adult weight ever. Yes, I weight less now than I did when I was 17! And in addition to that I AM NO LONGER OBESE!!!!! Today I am only overweight and I am so excited! I feel like I just won an award, like Halle Berry when she was the first African American woman to win an Academy award. I have struggled with so much doubt and wondering if I can do it. I truly felt like I was going to weight 219 for the rest of my life and maybe that was it for me. Could I just be happy there. And after eating my emotions and feeling powerless and horrible. I now see that this is in my head. My biggest enemy is myself! I am in control of my life I make it what it will be. And I am not perfect, but now I have help, that sassy broad inside me won't take my abusive behavior of binging to feign and cover my emotions. I have you all who I can actually talk about my issues with and who are a great support! By the way thanks to those of you who did send some supportive comments. And I have myself, I am strong, honest, and hard working and as long as I use those things to help myself I can achieve whatever I set out to!!  

But, on a bit of a note, I am concerned that the scale was somehow lying to me. Where did those 6lbs go??? How can I weight 219 a week ago and have 4 bad days, and 3 OK days and have not excersized (grant it I have been working all weekend and I serve so I move around alot), not slept for a whole day, been stressed, and start my period (which almost always means a 3 lb bloat) and lose 6 lbs? Is my scale playing tricks on me? Am I going to reweigh and it back to 216?? I don't know but for now I am reveling in my success and going to ride the momentum. Maybe if I work hard I can actually make that 206 goal by next Friday and be right on target for my doctor's appointment! I really do love hearing him say I'm perfect!!! 

I Hope all you ladies have a marvelous day and enjoy your Tuesday!

5:43 AM randomness!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

First, I would like to say, look at what time it is: 5:43, 5:43! I am currently at The Ohio State Science and Engineering Library studying for this ridiculous Earth Science Exam I have at 12:30. I came in here with only 1 bag of sun chips and  my always consistent study companion of sugar free red bull.

Well, today I have gas, Some days my stomach just feels like it is so expanded, it hurts all day, I can burp all day and it just doesn't want to go away. I have a little bit of a lactose issue and when it flares - its painful, much more so now that I have my band, I think because it just adds a bit more pressure as my lower stomach is smaller??? I don't think the red bull was helpful either because of the carbonation. My god my belly hurts right now!!!

SO as I said I am studying and I will confess studying basically equals I'm stressed and my food is crack, emotional eater syndrome kicks in. Tonight I have had: 1 large bag of harvest cheese sun chips, a smaller bag of the salsa sun chips (the library has a vending machine which always gets me into trouble) and a 3 musketeer bar. SO not wonderful, but better than the bags of candy and gyro with fires and donuts I used to have (I wish I could say before I was banded, but that 2 weeks ago when I wrote 3 papers in 2 days I ate all that - in 3 days yes, but I did eat it). I do feel good I am taking baby steps but I recognize this as my vulnerable period and I'm taking steps to do better to pat myself on the back for that.

One more thing - I LOVE MY BAND SO FRIKKEN MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is why after two weeks of emotional h-e-l-l and binge eating and avoiding the scale I decided to such it up and weight myself this morning. And that thing said 216! I lost 3 pounds! I was sure I would have gained, but no and this is why I have fallen in love with that sassy little thing inside of me!

OK if I don't get back to studying I may never get trough the next 2 chapters I need to read for this damn exam!!!!!

To All those technologically saavy bloggers - I NEED HELP!!!!!!!

I am in desperate need of new music, I haven't downloaded anything for like a year! There is something wrong with my I-tunes, for some reason I cannot connect to the I-tunes store! It says: iTunes could not connect to the iTUnes store. The network connection timed out. Make sure your network settings are correct and your network connection is active, then try again. Any suggestions?? I just some music :( Oh and I tried to play with one time and it told I had some sort of error I think it was like 11222 or something, it was only 1's and 2's  and it had me download this RegCure to "fix" it, but they want me to pay them money to repair it and I think its just a bogus way to get you to pay moneys so pa-lease help a girl out. I am so not a techy girl!

Bring on the rain!

This week has been a struggle, I am trying to reconnect with myself. I'm not sure when or how this happened but all of a sudden everything went hay wire and the strong confident woman I saw myself becoming was not good enough and I digressed to the sad and hopeless little girl that comes out and leads to my gaining of weight. But my handy little mama sitting inside me said "oh haill no!" (think angry baby mama here), and I just couldn't binge, couldn't give up and self  loathe, and thus gain weight (THANK YA JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!) But, I  still am trying to get out of the rut, why am I doing this??? I guess its time that I do something different, time to figure out what the hell is wrong with me, because food just 1) doesn't help and 2) isn't an option anymore. OK so I know the emotional bit with the ex getting married and my cutting off ties with my latest ex is having a toll on me, but I know its just something more.


So I know what your thinking, you big baby, what is it already?? I am a perfectionist and I have no patience and when things get bad I try to heal with food which  guess what, IT DOESN'T WORK!!!
I'm a perfectionist
It drives me bonkers when I do not feel totally confident with school. I MUST get an A in everything, I must be perfect, because I really want a good GPA so I can go to the right grad school - and if I fail, well, that is not except-able, and my world as I know it will come to an end (hello, I'm a nut!). Well guess what I have been really slacking off, and I'm tired, I'm tired of classes and studying and papers and exams and professors who think they are the smartest people in the world and loud freshmen in the library and skinner sorority bitches wearing leggings and 200 dollar T-shirts with uggs and a north face jacket who are only there for an MRS! I really need to graduate, so much that I was contemplating asking my adviser if I could just graduate this quarter and screw the double major double minor! It also bothers me when I do not eat perfectly and once I'm way off the wagon (e.g. right now) I feel like its useless the wagon has left me and I can't catch up.
I have no patience
So for all those who watch biggest loser, I think my problem is I have lost 65 pounds, 65 pounds! and worked my butt off (literally) for it, but I still have 60 more pounds to go and as hard as I have worked its only going to get harder and take longer, and I am afraid I can't do it. I'm afraid I will just weigh 219 for the rest of my life, and that is NOT good enough for me! But what if I am just a big girl and I will always be??? I'm really scared that I can't do it.
I watched Biggest Loser on Tuesday, and watched Micheal struggle. He has lost 200 pounds - wow, but he is still 325, still obese, still so much to lose. Its depressing, its like you are running a race and have been running for days and still there is not even the sight of the finish line! Am I ever going to see the finish line!!!!!!???

So that has been where I am and I am struggling to get over this bump in the road. But I definitely do recognize that I am eating emotions, and that its not working. I need to find a new way to deal with things. So that is what I am going to do. I think for now I am taking a break from trying so hard to lose weight. It will come, but for right now I need to take care of me.
I was watching Oprah yesterday and she had Geneen Roth on, the author of women, food, and god. It basically talks about women who try to use food and their food obsessions to cover up underlying pain and suffering. She talked about using the food obsession as a focus instead of really dealing with the issues. That is totally me right now. I am obsessing about food instead of dealing with my emotions and its only making it worse, making me more depressed, and causing me to not pull on forward!

Yesterday it was raining all day, as it has for the last two days and I thought to myself, this sucks, why does it have to just keep raining and raining and raining? And then I looked around. The grass is so green! Nature is so alive and beautiful right now! And all because it rained! Sometimes it has to rain for a while for things to thrive and grow and show their true beautiful potential! Right now I am going through the rain, but its all worth it because these are issues I have to overcome so I can reach my true beautiful potential. SO bring on the rain!

A Week of shit, Plus why I love my band!!!

Well I have been really MIA lately - and so has my weight loss. I apologize, I think when things go wrong for me I kind of hermit up and don't want to talk to anyone and run away. Which doesn't work because it only makes me more depressed which continues my problems. I apologize in advance if this is a whiny blog, but this is kind of my only completely pure sense of release. I feel like crap, I'm kind of depressed, this is not an unusual thing for me, about once a year a get in a rut and it can take me weeks or even months to get out of it. This is usually when I gain all of my weight back - I fall down a slope until I've gained 10,20 ,30 lbs and then I just give up and get fatter and fatter and more and ashamed and depressed. Sometimes I am not sure if the depression makes me gain weight or I gain weight and then become depressed, they are so interconnected. Well, guess what! I weighed myself this morning as to try to get myself out of my rut and I DIDN'T GAIN 1 POUND! I am still at 219 - this is why I love my band! I can slip up emotionally, give up on my world momentarily, and when I finally have the energy to shoo away the haze, I wake up right where I was, not back several steps, which also helps me not get even more depressed and give up! Thank you band, you are my best pal!

SO what the hell was wrong with me this week?!:

School 

So I had three papers in two days and I wasn't prepared, which totally put in survival mode, not sleeping and eating comfort foods because 1) that is my habit and 2) I am an emotional eater and eating those foods (in my mind) make me feel less anxious when I am totally freaking that I will ruin my GPA, my life etc. SO yea after those three days of extreme stress and lack of sleep I was drained, drained, drained. Plus I had eaten HORRIFYINGLY, I mean just candy and more candy and fast food and ice cream - oh it was a hot mess. Oh yeah, plus no exercise.

Personal Life

So I try not to even tell you all about my ridiculously, high school on again off again love affair with my ex. I mean we've seen each other for around 2 years now and 1.5 years has been on again off again. We are currently not together ( but I have a tendency to sleep there several nights a week - what can I say the flesh is weak and sleeping beside makes me feel warm, and safe, and wanted- that is baaad). Recently I have really started to realize that I do not want him to be my everything forever, we just don't fit, I want that heart skips a beat, you lose your breath at his sight, ground shaking, world changing love - and we will not ever be that. We are totally different people, with different ideals, different beginnings, different paths, and different destinations so I need to stop this nonsense and move on because I am just prolonging the pain. But I am really really bad at this. So I've been trying to go out, meet people, but I don't like it, I am not a 'fun girl' I am too serious to just have a good time, and quite frankly I am way more worried about being made fun of or doing something embarrassing so going out especially being around strangers is just really stressful for me. SO I am trying to work through this, its ok to be alone thing and that someday I will find my prince charming, but its really working on me.

NO Exercise all week!

So I didn't work out in the beginning of the week because I was busy with school, going out caused me to break my toe, so I didn't work out all week, which equals me feeling lousy, no endorphins to help me through my lows and in my head I was sure I had gained a million lbs since I was eating redonkulously

Mothers Day

I went home on Thursday to surprise my mom for mother's day, as she was leaving this weekend and I knew I wouldn't see her on the big day. Well I told my sister and we didn't make definite plans, so I thought we were going to have a quiet dinner at the house, but she made reservations at everyone's favorite restaurant in town, which also happens to be owned by my ex's (from high school, my first love) family. Which is typically no big deal I've been there before, I in fact am still close to them even if its a little awkward with his new fiance working there and my mom just loving her, its a very weird situation and I try to act like it doesn't bother me, but its weird. I don't want him, I am happy for him, but he is my first love ya know. Well his WHOLE family was there, his mom and grandma and everyone, so it was very nice seeing them, I love them so much and I got a little nostalgic. Sometimes, I think I loved his family more than I loved him so I do know we weren't meant to be together, but any who, so I was a little sad that I could never really be close with them again - it is just too awkward.

Emotional Meltdown

Well Sunday it happened I went into full blown psychosis!  So first of all on Saturaday I went to the ex's to stay the night and while he went to the bathroom I wasa snake and looked through his phone, and low and behold I find some outgoing texts with his ex girlfriend from the party he went to on Friday talking about them getting back together and how it won't happen because SHE doesn't think he is relationship material! I was fumed and felt lied to and betrayed ( you do not tell someone you have never loved a girl until them and then still have feelings for an ex) and so when he was asleep I collected my things and left.

So this happened and then on Sunday I realized that my first love's family was there because they were all leaving to go to his wedding! And I totally freaked! Out came the icing, ICING - this is bad bad bad. I cried and didn't understand it, I mean he can't get married, he's supposed to long for me for the rest of his life, I really am so self centered and selfish. I don't want to be with him, it will never work, but he cannot move on - delusional.

Lowest Adult Weight

I   think I am having some issues with the fact that I am now right around my lowest adult weight I have ever been (215), what happens then, can I really be smaller than that. Sometimes I don't think I can do it, like my body won't let me or its impossible, too much work! It makes me feel like I am working so hard for something impossible, I can't be small. I have internalized all those times I was told, Ohh well you are just big and maybe part of me still thinks its true, that I can't be small. I am afraid, afraid of what my life could be like as a skinny person, afraid that it will be the same, afraid that its an impossible goal and I am just going to be disappointed. I know that this is a mental thing, I am being my own bully - but I have not quite figured out how to tackle it, how to push through this emotional plateau, because I know if I don't fix this, well I will never surpass my weight plateau.

So yeah that was my week and I let myself spiral out of control, and worse of all I didn't write a blog and ask for help, because I know had I that you kind folks would do what you always do and be so supportive and reviving that I could have stopped this before it even started. I am still not 100%, but I am starting to feel better, I worked out yesterday, and kept the sugar to a lower level than the rest of the week. I am trying now to re-ween myself off the sugar, as detox is quite hard for this die-hard addict, but I just take one moment at a time, one day at a time, ya know as all addicts must do. I have my affirmations written by my bed and I say them every night before bed and every morning when I get up, they go something like this: I am happy, I am healthy, I am beautiful, I am respected, I can and will make healthy choices today, I can and will exercise today, I can and will control my cravings - yes I am a nut case, but some days I thinks its those affirmations that get me through the tough times so I keep doing them.

Sorry about the rambling and the legnth of this blog, and I appreciate any of you die-hards who actually read to the end :)

*Beth*  

College stress cost me 3lbs and a broken toe!!

Hi Everyone!

I didn't disappear, (well I did, but only briefly and I'm back now so no worries) ... I had three papers due in 2 days and being the extreme procrastinator that I am didn't really start on anything (this includes reading the book for my book report and doing all the research for my research paper) until Sunday night. This week ha been a ball of stress and I then after Tuesday I had to check myself and have a little me time.

So after two straight days in the library and about 5 hours of sleep I decided it was time for some R and R of tacos and tequila! I had /1s a shrimp taco and then realized if I kept eating I was going to have to wait an hour to drink and being the socialite I am I went for the booze. Well lets just say between the margarias and the two, (yes two) bar stops I was definitely not so stressed anymore. It was a good time, I love just hanging out with my friends, and besides the margaritas, which by definition are just tequila and sugar all I drank was vodka and sugar free red bull and vodka soda's so it wasn't that bad. Oh except for the fact that I had ate basically nothing on Tuesday and had way more to drink than I can handle, seeing as I am a super light weight and am buzzing after 1 drink. So I get home and while I'm stumbling around my living room I run my foot into our automon and I broke my middle toe, its purple and swollen and tender and I have a bit of a limp. Its pathetic and I feel really guilty because it was my going too far that caused this and now my exercise regiment has to be way low key because I am injured.

Yea so between my toes and the fact that I stress ate all week I am officially up 3 pounds. So I guess its time I got back on the saddle, huh ladies?

P.S I'm going to try every so diligently to catch up on bloggs within the next two days

*Beth*

Its time to put or shut up - Month of May plans and goals

May WILL be my month! Its time to cut the bullshit, no more excuses, no more allowing myself to have an 'off'' day, no more saying:' ohh but I'm on my period, I need a bag of Reese's.' Its over, I am in control of my body and its time to start asserting that control. I have decided this will be MY month, I am not going to go all crazy and think I will get to ONEDERLAND, but I will be damned close, and I will make my 18lb loss goal for my doc's appointment on May 28th, so that means I will weigh 206 on that pesky dr.'s scale that day come hell or high water. That is going to be a whopping 13ish lbs this month, I'm up for the challenge and I am ready to kick some fat right out of my thighs!

How say you do I PLAN on accomplishing dais goal? Well, as a matter of fact I have a plan (go figure), and it goes something like this:
5/7 - 213
5/14 - 210
5/21 -208
5/28 - 206
So those are the mini goals, the hardest one will be the first, but that why I made it the first so I can take some of this momentum, my energy and use it the power for good! Now really, what am I going to do?? 3 meals, one of those will be a protein bar ( I'm thinking dinner as that is the time I usually start to stray), two snacks daily of high protein, healthy choices. Water, water, water! I will also watch my carb, not count them, not go crazy anal OCD person, just watch them! Also the salt must be kept in check, I am not going to miss my gola because of some darned water weight-oh hell no! And finally I will work out 5-6 times a week, 1 hour of cardio. This is upping my cardio by 30 mins for many days, but I know I need to really work hard to get these results, and I want this more than I want to be lazy, so its time to put up or shut up Beth!
Now there is that pesky little situation with my trouble times/ places. I know I have to recognize work as a hazard zone, I go there and I turn into a sugar vulture, as if I have been starvin and I just nibble, nibble, nibble on everything. SO how to stop that, I could say, well I just won;t do it, mind over matter right? WRONG, I should know by now that mind over matter doesn't work too well, if it did I would have been 160lbs and not needed banded. SO I am going to use the time old tradition of bribery! I have printed out a calendar and will be putting stars on it for every day I work that I do not eat one mousse, not one Reese's bits, no deserts, also I am including the lemonades we have as I have a tendency to go nuts with that, and the rice with soy. After 20 stickers, I am getting a prize (I know this is so juvenile, but I need some incentive) I will be buying myself a new purse!

That takes care of most everything, but I do have one issue I do not know how to deal with. How do control sugar cravings? And how do you keep yourself from binges? I will be a perfect bander all day and then eat 3 candy bars and screw everything up. When I am under the haze of a binge there is no stopping me, its scary and annoying because afterward I feel guilty, I feel dumb, like why did you just do that, it was totally unnecessary, but I still do. If I could just learn to control that I would be a changed woman, so if y'all have any suggestions I would greatly appreciate it!

*Beth*