~To get to the castle you have to swim through the mote~

First of all thankyou to all you WOMDERFUL ladies who commented on my updated before and now pics; you are all the most supportive and amazing FAMILY of women!!!

Second of all this is about to be a very deep (hopefully not too depressing) post so be warned!

I would just like to start this post out by saying, I may sound depressed, but I am really not - I think I am just ready to start my next phase of this process - the important phase. Now I am ready to become the woman I have always wanted to be when before I was ready to be the weight of the woman I had always wanted to be. So what is this whole thing about. Well, at 285 pounds I may have done something most people say they didn't do - I think (OK I know) I told myself that "if I was skinny ___________ would not be this way." Yes, I was that girl. The reason I was not in love, had few friends, was a slob (which sadly I was), I felt my family did not love and except me, I did not love and except me, was because I was obese. Well, miss thang wake up, because you are not obese anymore, you are almost not even overweight technically (even tho I would definately NOT call myself overweight, but Im talking medical here) and guess what a lot of those things are still here. I am on my way to goal, I am the thinnest I have ever been as an adult and now I can't use my weight as the reason that I am not, well happy. This is not to say that my life is terrible, but now I am ready and I want more. I used to think that losing weight was the be all end all - it would solve all my problems, but now I realize it doesn't now I have to solve all my problems! Wow - that is crazy.

Who I am in the real world and who I am in the blog world are much much different. Here I feel I am much closer to my true self, I have the comfort of my computer to let me be me and not feel the pressure, plus if I say anything that I feel I could be judged on, I can just delete or edit my post to reflect what I truly want to say. In the real world I am very very guarded. What I think is that I have just had waaaayy to many people hurt my feelings or tease me or treat me bad (as it IS easier to pick on the fat kid) so I just keep to myself. But the extent of my anti-social behavior is more offensive than defensive. I have a tendency to be abrasive and I push people away. I am very high strung around people and I tend to look for every flaw in them ( I guess to be prepared if they are mean to me, I don't know). I am not sure when this terrible attitude problem started, but what I do know is that I have used it for a very long time to keep people away from me and keep them from hurting me - and sadly I have succeeded. People can feel the energy I put out, I have been called intimidating, wound tight, bitchy, scarey, the list can go on and on.

I am a control freak. I feel the need to prove that I am amazing, I have a long strung out array of majors and minors, I have to look good, I have to have more, do more, be more. Its all about being better and being in control. In control of situations, in control of relationships, in control of my life. I cannot handle embarassment, it kills me when I do something that makes me look stupid, I will literally go over it over and over in my mind trying to decide if other people even think about it still or not (how devastated should I be) and I will go over the same embarassing happening for years!  so I am rigid.  I try to avoid any and all experiences that will make me look like an idiot - I know pathetic.

I have had a huge issue about feeling wanted, I have not really ever felt wanted. I thought my family didn't want me, I felt that many people in school didn't want me, and every person I meet I think in the back of my head, I wonder what they want from me and how long it will be before they show that they do not want me. But now that I look at it, I really think that the real person who never excepted me was me. I decided before I would even meet someone that they would not like me, back then because I was fat, and now, well I dont know why - yet. I decided that my family did not love or except me, that they couldnt unless I was thin, I see how much they do love me now and how much they would have loved me before if it wasn't for the fact that I pushed them ALL away, I would not speak to anyone, and if I did it was with a very nasty attitude. I decided that I was unlovable, and since then I have not let anyone love me. Yet all I have ever wanted was to feel loved and wanted. Why, do I stop myself from what I have always wanted?? I do not know -yet.

I am to the point where I no longer want to be that person. I don't want to be angry, I don't want to be negative. I do not want to look for every flaw in a person just to make myself feel better, feel equal. I want to be open, happy, uplifting, inviting, and most of all I want to be free. I don't know when I started to entrap myself or what it is that I have barried that I have been protecting myself from, but I am ready to move on, to have more than acquaintances - to have true full friendships, to have realtionships with my family, and to fall in love. I am ready to trust people and love people and open my heart again. This I know will be much harder than losing weight, that is just math - eat less work out more; but this is a matter of the mind and the heart, and with that there is no equation to fixing. But what I do realize is that I want a wonderful, amazing, happy, full life and to get to that castle I have to swim across the mote - I got my suit on and the goggles, guess its about time I just jumped in ya know??