Be who you are and say what you feel because those that care do not matter and those that matter do not care 
Dr. Suess

my ticker

my ticker

Hi all,

So I got a fill last Friday (the 18th not Christmas) and it has not settled with me well, At first all was fine, I did the liquids to soft foods and then I felt totally normal, a little bit more restricted, but that's what you get a fill for so I was happy and continuing with life. I went to my grandpas Christmas and could only eat about half a portion of fillet (which I knew was going to be hard I mean its steak) and a few nibble of potatoes and I was done, but all was well and normal. It was Christmas and I waited until after my fill ( and weigh in) to do any Christmas like activities, so we made Christmas cookies, lots and lots of them. And I nibbled on those for about three days and although I felt guilty that all I would eat is refined sugary goodness, I did not get stuck or have any problems.

But then ... I go home for Christmas and things go crazy. First of all my grandpa had surgery to unclog an artery so everyone was too busy to prepare a normal Christmas dinner, so we ordered Pizza which I was excited about even though I knew it was going to be a struggle, I just love Pizza and will try to nibble up some even if its only 1/3 of a piece. Well the place we got had the little bitty squares and I ate half a square and was stuck - bad, I spent the next half hour in the bathroom. My biggest problem was that I was really hungry and waned to eat so the moment I thought I was better I would try to eat and it just got bad.
The next day at my grandma's Christmas it was the same I had a small square of breakfast casserole and only ate the egg bottom ( I avoided the cheese and sausage yumminess) and could only eat half of that, meanwhile my counsins and aunts are scarfing down my grandmas gooey delicious homemade cinnimon rolls that I know I absolutely will not be able to manage to eat. Christmas dinner at my other grandparents was the same - I just could not eat anything without being stuck. I am annoyed and hungry by this point. So I down a protein shake and it goes down fine - ahh what a relief nourishment!

So by Saturday I'm thinking I'm too tight, but you know I love that restriction so I do NOT want to get some taken out if it was just a glitch from eating Christmas food and so on and so forth ( I ate all those cookies and was fine) Well it didn;t get much better and by Monday when I was feeling some discomfort after eating a little over half of a 6oz yogurt I had had enough and I called my doctor and scheduled to get some saline taken out. The nutritionist put me on mushies until the unfill. So I got some dinner last night which may have been not so "mushiesk" - tortilla soup (I think that was OK) chicken salad crossient sandwhich ( so I took off the crossient and i would be fine) and I got thes fresh warm cookies (ok so thats not so good but they are really gooey and semi-mushie) Ok so I ate three bites of the chicken salad with half of a crossient the rest was solo and I had two cookies in a span of an hour only eating when I felt no discomfort. I was bad I didn't listen, but I am HUNGRY - I haven't been able to eat and I'm not sure if this is mental or physical hunger but something in my body is just craving that I eat constantly and I am having a hard time battling it.

Well so what's the point of this blogg about a half an hour after I finished eating I was laying down with the bf watching a movie and I got a terrible cramp around the band area, it lasted maybe less than a minute and I felt it twice and then I was fine. But OMG I was/ am freaking out, did I just slip my band? I just had a protein shake and all is fine, but I am worried. I did a little reading and they say when you have slippage you vom everything and its really uncomfortable, so now I feel a little better, but I really need a clear answer for future reference, does anyone know what band slippage feels like???!!!

Yesterday was a fill day and therefore an official weigh in day. I (as I always do) woke up sipped a little bit of water went to the gym, tried to sweat as much as I could before my appointment, then showered and went to the Appointment. Official weight: 242. So I did not make my goal by two pounds, but that's still 10 lbs in 6 weeks so that is something to be proud of. I'm still cursing finals weeks and all the emotional eating I embrace as if its natural and somehow OK to do because its finals! I really need to work on that especially with the new year coming and my super exciting new goals, which I will tell y'all about later (I thinks its wrong to talk about New Year's resolutions until after Christmas - its kind of like the Christmas stuff before Thanksgiving, strange rules but I stick buy them hopefully they allow me to enjoy the moment instead of worrying about tomorrow).

So here's my philosophical note today: I worked VERY hard for the 10 lb weight loss yet I am kind of mad at myself for not hitting my goal. What is wrong with me, I should be so happy with the 10 lbs and move on and try to do better next time right? WRONG! Oh no I am a perfectionist, I have to have perfect grades, look perfect, complete all my plans perfectly or I get totally bummed. I know I am way too hard on myself sometimes, but I also want to push myself and if there are no repercussions for not obtaining my goals then what, then can I just not even try? There is a small balance between wanting to work hard and meet my goals and beating myself up over 2 lbs, I wish I could say that I can revel in the 10 lbs, but in the back of my head will be thinking about how it was 2 lbs from my goal. When it comes to everyone else I would say revel in your accomplishments because you know eventually that 2 lbs and more will be coming off, you have your whole life to lose this weight and with the band you at least have the hope and the affirmation that IT WILL!

So Last few weeks have been rather crazy. First it was finals and I am SPAZ! When it come to school I am a perfectionist and have to study like a mad woman and I never feel prepared and usually do fine, but until I see my grades I am a psycho. Along with being super rushed to cram all that information I spend about a week and a half living in the library which leaves me little to no time for exercise and no available food other than carbolisious fast food. Not to mention I when I am stressed 'bad' food is ever so comforting for me, needless to say I am awfully naughty during midterms and finals. I am aware of it, I wish I could do better and I will work on doing better under pressure but last week was not a case of me working through my weak areas.

It started with my study candy, all I can say is Swedish fish, sour patch kids, and lindorf truffles you are so tasty when I'm weak. It was bad, and throughout the week it spurred on to Reese's cups cookies, cookie dough, and Hershey's kisses. I do have to say in my defense I did throw a lot of it away because I knew this was a path to disaster. Well anyway the toxic combination of those forbidden goodies, little sleep, no exercise, and stress = I gained 5lbs !:( It was sad, but I knew it was coming and I avoided that dreaded scale for a few days before bucking it up and doing it.

It could have been worse, so I do have my lovely band to thank for that . Only thing is I had a goal of 12 lbs lost by my next fill/ weigh in which meant I had 9 pounds to lose in a week and a half. I knew a good portion of that weight was probably bloat from all the bad food so I went a very stringent plan of at least 20 mins to 40 mins of cardio daily along with good eating habits with a tight belt on the carbs and I have been bringing protein shakes with me everywhere just in case. Oh yea and I have told everyone that I have a doctor's appointment on friday and I'm going to be weighed so no going out, no drinking, no snacks at work (and do you know how hard that is during the holidays when people are bringing in christmas cookies and all sorts of goodies), and I had to postpone christmas cookie day at my house with my room mate.

And what do you know its Tuesday and I weighed myself and I am at 242.6! Which means I only have 2.6 more pounds to go before Friday's weigh in. To most that sounds like a lot, but on Friday I weight 249.9 so I am doing oh so good and now I can see me meeting my goal! Wish me luck!