Be who you are and say what you feel because those that care do not matter and those that matter do not care 
Dr. Suess

my ticker

my ticker

Hi All you beautiful bloggers out there!!!

Number one I would like to say that I have been keeping up with you- I am reading and I loove it (and greatly missed it) but as I have said I dont have cable and my work internet wont let me post comments :( its very sad for me.

My week has been good ... super super busy with work, I am working around 60 hours a week - it totally sucks and I am exhausted by wednesday buut I have bills to pay and well being at work keeps me from being somewhere else spending money so I do what I have to until someday my prince charming (with millions) comes around and saves the day ha ha!! But any-hoo I have had a pretty good week eating wise. I have been bringing in salads for dinner at work and good snacks and I have been very diligent about just eating those for my belly and my budgets sake ;)

I have found that once I do one good thing its like I am building a foundation and then each additional good decision ( a good work out. a choice to NOT get that chick-fil-a shke - if you havent noticed I am CRAVING that so so so bad ) its like another brick and then when I get the idea in my head and that little whisper that says ice cream starts to linger I feel motivated and impowered by giving it a karate chop and saying -NO!! Then once I give in to one whisper I just lose it, but the feeling of control and power that I feel when I can control myself and make good decisions faaar surpasses the "high" I get from and oreo blizzard. I know I just have to hold on to that momentum ... once I do it feel so great I love myself and I feel invigorated and like I can do this, one good choice builds two more and saying no gets easier, sugar cravings get less and less. I love that feeling!!!!

Now there is one little glitch ... when I do bust my ass and say no and make good decisions ... and gain 5 POUNDS!!!! yep peeps that is what happened this week got on the scale and that retched little hoochie showed 198!!!!!! And I ran for some ice cream . Hello period hello bloat - go to hell. Well that just made me mad I felt so good I was sure I was gonna see good numbers and then that *&#%$!!!!!!!! I need feedback I need to know that my hard work it showing results and when it doesnt well it makes that invigorating feeling slowly dissolve.

Well so I had about a two day time of just reckless eating ... I love me some sugar it was redic. But I got my stuff back together and ate really good on Friday, Saturday was a decent day ( except for the most devine german chocolate shake from Haagen Daas OMG extasy). Today I went to the gym did a little cardio before my session with my trainer and my weigh in ... scale says 193.8 so looks like the bloat is gone. I didnt lose anything this week buut right now Im just happy that my weight is back down from 198 that my friends was about to turn me into a crazy person!!

This week Im still being a busy worker bee until Thursday then its vacation time!!!!!!!! I am so ready for the beach and sun and well yummy deserts and pina coladas. But my vacation 'maintenance plan' will be in a later post this week.

Until then I am signing off

Ready to Rock it

193 ... that was a cute little joke, I got home after what I would say was a VERY good eating day, got on the scale with the intention of taking a picture for the challenge and I saw 196.4 !!!!!!! Needless to say not a good sight, I mean I know that weight fluctuates, but by 3lbs, that is not typical for me and not after a good eating day, having not consumed anything (although I did drink alot of water that night). Well unfortunately that was my kicker, that and my inability to get my computer charged so I could run to find wi-fi and sign up for the challenge. Well things of course didnt work out so well... my computer was beyond dead and I think my charger croaked sooo I couldnt get it set up. Well for some reason that frustration made it acceptible to go into the fridge and grab my emergency butterscotch brownies all 3 half cupcake size ones!!!!!!

Well I went to sleep with the brownie crumbs over my face (as well as shame,) woke up and the scale said 194 - meh not great, not terrible, not 193!!!! Well yesterday was an OK day I woke up did a hard core workout - 150 cals on the runner elliptical thing (great for running but better on my knees) ((11 mins)) 150 cals on the stairmaster (10mins), 150 cals on this side stepper (12mins) and then I did 15 mins of elliptical for 200 cals. I was very sweaty very rock star work out girl mode. Umm and food not too terribly bad, but I will say it was the 4th and the strawberry pie did get the best of me (and the quac and chips and the moosetracks icecream) but in my defence I got my monthly visit so as far as Im concerned when I start I DESERVE a double scoop moosetracks ... period!!!!! Plus maybe that has something to do with why the scale was up a little when I was suuure it was gonna be lower (thats my story and im stickin to you)

Im not looking at the scale until next Sunday, I dont like this not knowing, but I even more dont like that I have terrible cravings after work and if the scale doesnt reflect my hard work I think that gives me a right to throw a tantrum and v-line it towards UDF for some icecream lovin'. Therefore I dont know, Im gonna just pretend that I am having an amazing week and wake up everyday like I just saw 185 or something and use that momentum to make good consious eating decisions and work out like an all-star!!!!!! I am working allll day long all week - literally all day, the latest I come in is 9:00 AM and I leave at 11PM !!!!!!! I am NOT bringing in my card oh hheeeeeeelll no, cause I know with these hours my confert whisper will be talkin banana pudding shake nonesence and Im just not havin it - I don't need it and I can and WILL prove that I am stronger than a whisper. I woke up at 5:30 AM went to the gym did my 45 mins of elliptical and dashed to work today (so proud) - the goal is to continue and do it all week. I know if I can just eat the healthy stuff I pack and go to my early morning workouts I am just sure I can see the 180s before vacation if not by Sunday!!!!!!

Ok so there is my pep talk, I hope everyone is having a good beginning of the week and is ready to rock it :)


Hi everyone, just thought I would check in :)

So I do keep up and read your blogs ... I have become one of those silent voyeuristic creepers ;) ... The reason I do not blog too often is that I don't have internet at home right now. I was stealing internet from my neighbors, but I live on campus and they left for summer so now I am totally disconnected from the world until I get to work, and we are typically super busy so I don’t get alot of downtime to post. Buuut the good thing about blogs are I can read them in about two minutes usually so in between calls I can get in one blog when we're slow so that’s what I do.

So what new with me ......

Well I am having a good week weight loss wise. I lost 4 count them 4 pounds this week!!! yes em I saw 193 something this morning - haven’t been in the lower 190's since ahh December. So that is good, a little aggravating that it has taken me this long to get my act together but its coming along and I’m ready to ride out this good spree. Because I rode out that plateau for 4 months and the evil dark period( the gain) for four more months, so I think I deserve a little stellar weight loss period of four months too right (we'll see if that happens). Some things I have changed - I upped the cardio to 45 mins and I want to do it daily, but unfortunately it usually only happens about 3 -4 times a week, but I thinks that’s still pretty good right!! I am trying ohh so hard to make good decisions, aaaand another big thing is right now I am broke as a joke (aka I don’t even have internet!!!) so I have been looking at my spending and for a girl with a tiny stomach I have been spending an INSANE amount on food, and what is worse its all JUNK and I know it - when I am buying fast food or restaurants its more than like 85% of the time solid waste!! So that is another thing I keep in mind I am packing my food for work and I allow ZERO cash aka no vending machines and now I am even putting my cards in the freezer (AKA freezing my assets) and not bringing the card to work - if I don’t have the money than the option to go over to the Chick-Fil-A and get a banana pudding shake (which by the way don't even try it is pure crack once you get it you are a gonner) is not there and I save myself 5 dollars, alot of guilt, and 1000's of calories. In the mornings I am the most optimistic, upbeat, I am gonna conquer the world person so I am ridiculously good at packing healthy band friendly waist friendly foods, its that 2:00 whisper that kills me so now that whisper can come but its got Nooo options. Until I am stronger than it this is my best option.

Also my vacation is in 13 days!!!!!!! Yes in less that 2 weeks I will be on a beach in a BIKINI and well that whisper has taken over. Its kind of sad I will be walking around doing chores in my apartment and then just go into my bathroom, pull up my shirt and think ... are you really gonna do this ... are you really gonna wear a BIKINI?!! I want to and I am, buuut I am nervous as hell. Especially since when I told my mother a few months ago that I was working really hard so I could wear a bikini on vacation her response was - "well don’t embarrass the people your going with" :S ohh mothers and I even told her how rude that was and her response is "if your mom can't tell ya who can" I love her but she has not even one nurturing bone in her body!!!! But I bought them yesterday 1 pair of bottoms a bikini halter top and a tankini top and two cover ups - Victoria's Secret (go big or go home I figured) and yea 200.00 + dollars later I better make it count I better wear them and love them and not feel a bit of insecurity. I am gonna be the hottest I have ever been and even if that doesn't make me ready to model those bikinis its gonna have be enough. My stomach is pretty flat that’s not really my main concern its those horrible stretch marks - my cross to bare my , punishment for 22 years of obesity. I’ve been putting on this cream that’s supposed to help and I think its dulling the ones on my stomach but the ones on my side and hips are terrible!!!!!

But any-hoo my life is pretty average I’m still having fun, but I am trying to bring it to a minimum, I’ve given up on the whole male race so that just alleviated an exuberant amount of stress. I’m a work-a-holic (seriously 60 hr work weeks) and well I am really getting into a groove weight loss wise. I really want to do this challenge with ya'll but if I do I better rush to a place with wifi take a picture of me on the scale and book it no?!

Ohhh also I have been missing so I was obviously oblivious to BOOBS :( ... and then when I returned I didn’t think I could budget a trip like that, buuuut I think there is a Pit Bull concert that weekend and a group of my friends want to go. I CANNOT pass up a chance to see Pit Bull and Enrique Iglesias in concert and if that means I could stop by for some BOOBS events well that would be all the better. Now under my budget I just can’t see me doing the hotel I need to stay at some cheap-o place outside the city probably with my friends buut I would love to make an appearance and see all your lovely faces and see how much you have shrank in the last year!!!!!!

Plateau: A Reflection

Good evening my fine feathered friends,

Look I didn't just check in with hollow promises of being back just to dissapear again for  several month... aren't you proud of me????
.... Anyways I have been thinking, very very very hard about why I have been stuck in this rut (which has been going on six months now, OMG, six months of ZERO loss - ahhh), and not the emotion part, I am aware of my pathetic emotional instability, and well that may be a factor, I admit that, I know it, I have even posted about it. The emotional state I have been in may have contributed to the promblem, but lets get real, one thing does not lead to a 15 pound weight gain and 6 month plateau, no there were several factors, and now I think its time I took a looong look into them so that I can be aware of them so the next time some silly boy tells me he doesn't want to date and my drama queen 13 year old has a six month tantrum I can lean on other good habits to at least maintain (and the hope is by the next time that or some other life self created drama comes I will be at goal so maintance is all that is necessary)

1. I went from being focused only on weightloss to being completely focused on my social life. I need to recognize something, I AM NOT GOOD AT BALANCE. I do not know how to balance watching my weight, making good decisions, and going out, having lunches with friends, going out dancing, drinking and being social. I need to find a way to do them both. I really really need to learn that I do not need to drink when I am out with my friends. Itis really a foreign concept to be out at a bar or be around others drinking and I am not. Its not that I am an alcoholic, but I do like to drink and when you are out, its so easy for a friend to buy you a drink and then I am drinking so I just keep ordering more and more until the next thing I know I've had 5 vodka and soda's (ooops). Then there's the pressure I feel - why are you not drinking?? When we are out if I just say Im not drinking its like I just grew a big wart on nose. If I say anything about not drinking because Im watching my weight its even worse, because I "already look good." Then there's food. When I am out with my friends they want to go out to eat, so do I. But I have a hard time with going out. If I get something healthy I will eat about  a half a cup of food, then there are the "you are not eating" looks. And sometimes I just want to eat like normal, so I get foods that slide, foods that are not the healthiest. Or they will get a dessert, ohh my biggest weakness I have a really hard time saying no.

2. I got lazy!! I will admit it, it was winter time and I didnt want to go out. So I would miss a training session a week. Iwould just not go to the gym for a few days, then the days became weeks. I don't like the cold, when its cold I don't want to move I just want to cuddle under a blanket in front of the TV with warm cookies from the oven.

3. Food: I am sick of the same foods, I am sick of having to eat protein bars and diet food, I am SICK of being so restricted!!! What has been happening lately is I tell myself I will eat really good (which means the same bland eggs with a little pepper or turkey bacon, and cottage cheese, and salads) and then I just cannot eat them, I will literally cook myself something and look at it, have a few bites and then just throw it away, in 30 mins when Im hungry then Im snacking on candy and cookies and everything that is the opposite of what was planned. Then I have ruined my day so I just eat more junk. Then the next day the leftover junk is there lingering, whispering sweat nothings in my ear I want to choose the good food, but honestly the good food has been so0o0o0o unappetixing lately therefore I start this viscious cycle again!

So there ya have it, I need find a way to go out without blowing my diet, I need to move, and I need to find new foods and not be so darned strict that I swing to the dark side and eat 1,000's of calories more than Ishould in a day ... now time to find a new plan ....

I have not even allowed myself to venture into blog land since January - JANUARY!!! Why??? I wish I could give some sort of profund reason, something like I needed to become my own person or something that had meaning or something, but the truth is I ran away. I ran away from this battle of weight loss, I ran away from my blog as it is a mirror for me to truly see myself, and well its really hard sometimes to look at yourself not just your reflection, we are basically forced to that every once in a while, but your soul, your mind, this blog gives an insight in who you are and you ladies, your responses and our reactions to your responses and to what we ourselves put on this blog they at least for me help(ed) me define alot about who I am. And well the state of my life really hasnt been where I want it to be, so the mirror had become to painful to look at anymore.

One thing I have learned in this time, is that I give my power to others much too easily. It is very important to me what others think of me, my personality, my lifestyle and especially what I look like. My vanity may be one of my biggest flaws, but I am aware of it and I do not understand those that just are secure in themselves and innately know that they are good enough, or that truly give no mind to what others think of them. It is really a foreign concept to me, what others think of me consumes at least 40% of my thoughts in a day, and just that fact in itself is very disheartening to me. Getting back to my complete retreat from blog world, I felt that I did not look to you all like I had myself together, and well to avoid the responses and the mirror I just avoided it completly.

The fact is that starting in September I pulled myself out of a social cave and exposed myself to people, to friends, all of you in Chicago, to new coworkers; I am a little socially backward because I do give so much power to the opinions of others, when I expose myself I freakout, my fear of rejection, of judgment from friends, peers, and those I admire is paramount. There are times that when I go out with friends one night and spend much of the next day extremely panicky because I go over every second of the night, every word out of my mouth, every move I make; analysing every moment and trying to decifer if I made an ass out of myself. Some days its excruciating. I went from a state where I KNEW that I wasnt good enough in my extreme obesity and self hatred to realizing that I no longer lost from first sight and I had to now lean on my personality and see if that was good enough ( all the while still in the back of my head fearing that my body was still not good enough for social exceptance). This has been a very difficult journey for me. And I will be honest when I say I am really still working on it.

When the boy thing happened it was about 500 steps back, I was really, probably too excited about him and well the rejection put me in a bad place. For months I have been dealing with this feeling with this motto in the back of my head: "I have put all this work in and nothing has changed, I still can't have who I want, I AM STILL NOT GOOD ENOUGH" I wake up every day and have to try my hardest to push it back, and honestly the only time I even face it is when I have been drinking, which I have to admit has been happening quite a bit too much for my liking lately. This struggle has made my progress very difficult, both emotion and physical - I have been drinking too much to try to help with the social anxiety, then I emotionally eat the next day to deal with the aftershock from the social encounter and the embarassment I have of myself from my drunken stupor, and well that has basically caused a seriously bad plateau. I in fact have gained 18lbs since my lowest in October and now have been working but struggling to get back to where I was and see the 170's.

I wish I could say I am back because I now have myself together, but that would be a lie. This is an issue that I am now facing but still working through, and it may be something that I work on my whole life. Unfortunately this is one struggle that perfectionists have, nothing is ever good enough and for me - there is always something that needs improvement, my biggest focus for this perfectionism is myself, my body, my face, my personality and somedays its excrutiating how hard I am on myself. I admit the problem and am committed to facing it, and I no longer want to let it stop me from seeing my weightloss goals. I thank god for my band because the emotional state that I have been in the last six months would have surely brought  me to that weightgain upswing that I usually saw, I am certain that I would be back to that 50 + lbs weight gain that I have seen so many times, 18 lbs really is nothing and I am confident  that I  can see my 185lbs again and I will see the 170s this year!!

I also realize that my neglect of blog world also coincides with weight gain, the fact is that this bond, this very scary mirror as I described it also keeps me honest and  focused, not to mention reading your successes and your problems and having this extra support truly helps with weight loss. The fact is I need this community, you all have a direct effect in my weight loss and I am very aware of it. So I have to stay commited to myself, to the blog, and to you all. I am excited to read over your blogs for the last few months and see your emotional and physical transformations!!

... I'm gonna start this post by saying I'm scared to even write now. I feel I have deserted you all, I feel I have disappointed and I don't like that, I am always striving for PERFECTION, I want everyone to love me, to respect me, to think of me as an example and even to be envious of me - but now I feel I have let people down by disappearing and its very hard for me to come back with my tail between my legs and apologize. I hate having to do this and I hate that I dissappeared :( .... This is not the first time I have done this, and I'm not talking about blog land. I had a great dissappearance from the real world the winter before I had my surgery, I was just so depressed and hated how I looked that I locked myself up in my room and only went to school and work and spent time with my then boyfriend. A year and a half later, I finally crawled out of the hole I had created for myself, and luckily for me my best friends forgave my absence and were so excited to see the new me that everything went back to normal. Buuut that has alot to do with why I have been MIA here, this last quarter I have been regaining my existance in the 'real' world. I have been meeting people, creating new friendships, making memories, meeting boys. I have been having ALOT of fun, there has been alot of partying and drinking, and dancing. Buuut it has been hard for me to balance and my weighloss and you all have taken the back seat and well I'm sorry. I am so bad at balancing my life sometimes. But here are some pictures of the amazing fun and craziness that was Beth fall quarter and my graduation.

Me: Halloween; if you can't tell I was Cleopatra

This is from my birthday
This is my friend and I at our birthday dinner

House parties, dancing, and friends have become my weekends!!! Fun - nuff said

As my birthday present my best friend brought me Aguar diente - its a columbian liquor; clearly I was very excited ha ha

This is my friend chris after he jumped into mirror lake - its a tradition at my school before the Michigan game to jump into the lake - its cold and crazy, but fun!!!

Look I even allowed a picture where my stomach is showing, I am very proud of this. It doesn't even look bad, nothing spilling out of my jeans :)

another night out ahhh I wasn't kidding when I said I have been enjoying myself ALOT

My friend decided it was time to have a suedo modeling session and these are some of the good one ... it was very hard for me to be center of attention like that, but I do like the pictures

These next few pictures are from crawl night, basically senior crawl is when you start at one end of the main street that all the bars are on by campus and have a drink at each one until you get to the other end .... we made it half way ... it was fun and as the pictures show crazy !

And I graduated!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My mom and dad and I at graduation

This me and two of my best friends from college!!

This is from New Years Eve

Ok, so now you are updated on my social life, which is obviously alive and kicking.

Another reason why I disappeared was, well my last post I think was too much for me. I sometimes try to be real and honest and well its too much for me. I have stated before I don't let people in very well and I think I felt I exposed myself too much, gave too many details and I felt very wierd about it. Honestly I won't even let myself read that post or the comments because it makes me feel icky. I can't really explain why, but I am embarassed about the whole situation and the fact that I told anyone, let alone all of my blogg world is in one a big step forward for me being a more open person but also was just tooo much. So there you have it I freaked myself out !!

For your information, that boy is being an idiot and I am annoyed with the whole gender at this point, but that is neither here now there. There are a million of him and only one of me and I am twenty-three years old, not 16 and I don't need a man to make me feel OK. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself. I am picky and finding someone that makes me excited, AKA that has serious potential is a RARETY so yes I am dissappointed in the situation and yes I took a real kick to the ego, but I guess you live and you learn. That doesn't make it easier tho.... I still hope sometimes that he will realize what an idiot he is being and just do what I want, but the realist in me know thats not likely .... And I do know that number one thing I want in a man is someone who wants me, obviously if he doesn't want me I don't want him. Uhhhh

Anyway .... what else is new?? I got a big kid job and start on MOnday, yea!!! I will be working my serving job and that job for the first five weeks of training and then I am done. I am so excited to not have to serve anymore!!!!!!!!! Its like freedom - seriously. I am also meeting a lady tomorrow about an internship. I am so excited about this internship, it actually has to do with my major and the career I someday want to persue so that is always amazing!! I just hope I can juggle everything, in my head I tell myself I've been juggling ever since I started working and going to college and this weightloss journey and this will be the same thing. I know that I can do it and that it will be a great opportunity and be one step closer to my dreams so of course I am going to put my best foot forward and convince this lady that she has to give me the internship. I am also looking at this situation as a way to make myself so incredibly busy that I won't have time to worry about boys and the madness that has ensued in my head will stop.

Weightloss is a hot mess. The holidays seriously kicked my ass!! I am about the same weight I have been since Chicago - that is depressing, I don't like it and I need to do something, but lately I have felt very out of control. Its definately not a fill situation, my restriction is perfect, I love where I am and when I eat conciously I do really well, its just that I have become a sugar-holic again and I am self sabatoging hard core :( This has alot to do with why I forced myself to write this and reappear in the blog world, when I am here and active I do so much better and I need that support, I need you all.  It just proves that you really can't do this alone, you need to have your support system to help you.

I missed you all!!!!!!!!

Ok, so you want drama, Ill give you all my drama. The fact of the matter is this is the only place sometimes that I can put my problems out there and know that Im not going to be judged and I can be completely honest, you all know I do (well I used to as I have dissappeared) blog therapy alot, because I feel I HAVE to be strong to the real world, I have to be the best, the smartest, the coolest, and NEVER let anyone see me hurt. Its really really really hard sometimes and well thats why I used to shut most people out of my life, because I felt like I failed from the get go, so to avoid that failure I would just put myself out of the situation. Well as I said in my last post I am putting myself out there and trying to learn who I am regardless of if I fall flat on my face.

...well I feel like that is what I am doing right now, falling FLAT on my face - and guess what it really sucks, I don't like it, I don't like feeling out of control and rejected and all those things, it just brings me back to square one for a period, I may as well be 285 pounds right now if that makes any sence. And sadly how am I medicating these feelings?? Well I have tried several things so I will give me that, one is I have been trying to distract myself from the situation ya know going out with my friends as much as possible - not helping, then I had a one on one talk with my ex who really can be helpful and like a very close friend as he knows me much better than most people - still not better, and I have also tried to work out like a crazy person to pump endorphines in me and fix it, but still to no avail I am freaking and guess whats beside me right now,   a pint of pumpkin ice cream and empty king sized reeses and a mini box of sandies cookies - I am using food, I gave in and I know that its more than likely not going to help either so why do I end up going to it??

I guess I need to explain what the hell is wrong with me. . . .

So about 5 or so weeks ago I went to a party with a friend and there were alot of people I had known prior to beth's big dissappearence (aka I got really fat and didnt want ANYONE to see me) well I met this guy. This is how my friend explains it, she watched us interact with eachother then looked at him and thought hmm she looked at me and thought hmmm ... the next thing we were both pulling her to the side to talk about each other. We clicked instantly, he would start a story and I would know the ending, we danced and talked all night and we had soo0o0o much in common. He has graduated with a buisness and spanish degree I am an international studies and spanish major, we have similar interests, he is very active as I am, he loves to travel and you all know how much I want to see the world, he wants to go to Spain to teach English for a year, I teach english at a community center here. And we made out and it was obvious we have a very good physical connection!!

So I texted him the next week and said we should hang out sometime and he responds yea lets hang out this weekend. We do and its the same we talk, we dance, we make out! And I tell him he needs to take me out on a date that week - I mean this is not beth this is super beth, old beth used to be waaayy too scared of rejection to do something like that!! We go to the movies, he pays for the tickets but we literally go to the movie and leave with like no time to talk so needless to say I was a bit dissappointed. but when we left he kissed me and told me he was going to be out of town that weekend and not to do anything he wouldnt do (which I took as a dont be crazy without me or whatever - you know what that means)

My drunk ass calls him and talks to him on Friday and then I go to a party that our mutual friend has and well one guy gives everyone a nickname, and M's is Pollo and soon they start calling me Polla like pretty much coupling us up and I didnt want that, I didnt want to rush into things ya know!!
I also hear that they are all talking about us outside of when we are together like its really a big deal I mean we just have a rediculous connection I guess and as my friend says everyone can see it.

Well M has one big problem he acts like he is ALL about me when we are together and even in front of his friends acts like we are together, but he NEVER texts me first, he never does anything and it was starting to bother me by that point. So that was the week of Halloween and I just didnt text him because I dont want to be needy or let him know that Im strung out and hes got me.

Halloween beth downs a good third of a bottle of tequila with no dinner ( I tried to have some steak stirfry and it didnt work out). I got hammered. when M shows up I try to act like I didnt see him and ignore him and he comes up to me and is like, "oh so now you are gonna act like you dont me??",and procedes to give me a hug and a kiss in front of everyone!!! and asks me why we havent seen each other for a week and a half. .... WTF??!!! So needless to say not too long after that I hang out with the porcelain gods for umm .... 2 hours until they force me to go to the living room because apparently people need to pee. So I am being fed water and people are trying to force me to be sich while I spout off rediculous shit that I am too embarassed to say and giving M a really really hard time like telling him his spanish has nothing on mine and spouting off curse words in spanish, I mean really I was just crazy and M says, this is why I love this girl, she is wasted and is still talking shit - see he totally gets me, he loves that Im sassy and appreciates it even. Then once Im not such a shit show I force my friend to leave cause I feel bad that she is taking care of me and then M stays on a futon with me, makes out with me for several hours after I had vommed no less, tells me that since im 4 times drunker than he that we shouldnt do anything and cuddles with me all night!!

That week I asked him to dinner, he goes and honestly it was good, we have good conversation and the kiss goodnight was hot!!

Friday he even texted me asking what I was doing and asked me to a soccer game the next day or at least to go with out group of friends, but I had to work and we were going to meet up that night, i sent him 2 text messages and a voicemail with no answer and early in the morning he says he fell asleep early. I dont see him all weekend and my feelings are honestly hurt. On sunday I ask him what he is doing cause I am sick of studying and wanted a distraction and he says he has plans and blows me off. I delete his number. Not because im mad, but because I needed to take away the possiblity of texting him.

Finally I brake down on Wednesday and see if hes going to this party he says not until really late so I decide im not going to go. Then when he is on his way he asks if Im going and I decided (NOTE: this is when it gets real embarassinng so please dont judge too much and dont make me feel worse than I already do ok) that I just wanted it so I told him I wasnt going to go unless I could take him home with me after. He says yes, I go over. He talks to his friends saying how beautiful I am and acts like we are together with his arms around me and even calls me his girl to his friends. We start talking and he says, "I know you want more from me, you want to hang out more but there's a method to my madness. You want the wedding and I cant give that to you Im going to Spain and I dont want any strings attached." OK so can we say mixed signals??? In the car ride he tells me I better be cool because if something happens and I end up having one of his kids .... really why would you say that?? He tells me things like he is mad because he likes me so much, but then tells me he went to dinner with my sister, basically someone he is working with right now who apparently acts just like me.

Well anyway we go to my place and start messing around and long story short when I go to get the safety devices ... about 5 mins of making out after - not having used them at all yet he says its really late and we should go to sleep. !!!??? I just basically told you I was going to give it to you and you want to go to sleep?? So in the morning I am seriously frustrated ... sexually frustrated I mean and I try to initiate it again we make out and stuff and then he tries to tell me to go down there and "wake him up" which ohhh hell no!! so it takes me awhile to even want to do anything after that but by that point I am just so um well ya know revved up that I didnt really care, and I gp to touch him and then I realize the boy is not turned on if you know what 'i mean!! ( this is really embarassing and bad) so he says hes just really hung over and he holds me and we go back to sleep. When we wake up I tell him that Im mad at him and how everyone thinks we did it an we didnt and everything Im thinking, as that is how I am - he tells me you had halloween I had last night, now we are even. I take him back to his car he asks me what im doing that weekend and and kisses me goodbye. He sent me a text later that day saying he didnt get to go back to sleep. And I have not heard from him since.

So I feel utterly rejected and I am really sensitive about my body as it is not what a 22 year old body should look like, I have loose skin and stretchmarks and serious damage, and so part of me keeps telling myself that he had a malfunction due to that, that he is just not attracted to me. I feel really rejected and stupid and confused and I don't understand what is going on and I dont know what to do. My friend used to date his friend and he says that M is a real good guy, doesnt mistreat or talk shit about women and that he is legit, but then I am getting messed with. I dont know if he is just a jerk and is playing with me or if he really likes me and is scared to death or did like me until he saw my body but I do know is that I feel like shit!!! My brain says to run away or to get him back by flirting with his friends and that it needs to be over because I am just going to get hurt. But my heart keeps telling me there is something, we really do get each other and my heart tells me to give him a chance to have patience to let go of the fear and the need to control, my heart gives him every chance he would want and forgets how vaulnerable I feel the moment I see him, my heart told me I could really fall in love with this man and could marry him, which was why I freaked when he said that I wanted the wedding, I know I didnt tell anyone that and I have a hard time thinking that he can read me that well already considering I make it a very consious effort to keep my cool when Im around him.I dont know what to do, but now I am punishing myself hardcore I need his validation and is it killing me, not only because Im not getting it, but also because I would be like that. I pride myself on being strong and in control not a "girl" and right now thats all Im acting like, a pathetic little girl. And it just keeps going back to my body, he couldnt stay hard because I was that unattractive to him and even 100 pounds down Im still not hot enough and my body will never look like that of someone who was never obese and he is VERY athletic and built and works very hard and could want someone whose body is at that level and even if my athletism is at his level, my body is not and unless I have multiple surgeries and laser treatments it never will be. I know I dont want him if hes that shallow, but the truth is im just punishing myself, maybe Id rather him hate my body than just not be interested in me?  My ego is hurt baaaad, and my heart is very dissappointed.

I wish there was an easy way to fix this, but there isnt and I dont even know the right thing to do. I know if he doesnt want me than I should not want him,I should want someone who adores everything about me and makes me feel good, but my heart keeps telling me that he is that and that there is just something keeping him from giving me that - damn my heart, my heart is stupid ...