Be who you are and say what you feel because those that care do not matter and those that matter do not care 
Dr. Suess

my ticker

my ticker

So its thanksgiving and as a tradition we go to this bar (my family and friends) that everybody in town goes (I am seriously from the sticks) and I do not know what it is about seeing people fom high school that makes me turn into a scared little person but I do. I feel really good about where I am right now I am on trck, but I'm not good enough yet for homecomings. I need to be at 160lbs and hotter than every girl in the room and having every guy that I went to highschool with drooling and wishing they had paid attention to me when I was a shy chubby girl! Well I'm still a chubby girl and as much as I know it won't be the same a year from now it still bothers me that I feel inferior to these people! Am I ever going to cool enough or hot enough? God I hope so and when I'm 160lbs and a bombshell will I feel different?

Just some thoughts about me my weight and my peers, I hated highschool and I hate feeling like I;m still that girl :S


So its my birthday! I must say it started a bit bumpy, I woke up a half hour late, and nature left me the dandy present of my period cramps and all! I'm just getting over being sick again (has anyone felt that they get sick easier now that they have been banded, because I never EVER get sick and its Nevember and I've already had two annoying colds) and I was late for class. But after that it has been pretty calm, I came home and had lots of birthday wishes, which made me feel really good, because of my weight I have a tendency to seclude myself from social functions and to have that many texts and messages on facebook made me realize that I there are people who care about me.

Things that are different from my birthday last year, I'm losing weight and not gaining it, I feel so much more confident in who I am and I know that I have control over me. Today was like a potentially hurricane Katrina day of eating in my old world, but instead of stuffing myself because I was totally hormonal and old and its my birthday so I can and should celebrate I have had those 'hormonal celebration' foods, but probobly a fourth of what I would have last year. More importantly I am not afraid that when I look at the scale tommorrow morning that I will have gained 4 pounds!

That is one thing that has made my life so much better! There has not been one time even when I have a carb-fest day that I get on the scale and have gained a significant amount of weight. I love knowing that yesterday was a bad eating day and that I will have to make up for it and do better today and work out a little harder and I will continue to lose weight, I am no longer stuck in that yo-yo of completely starving and eating no carbs to binging to gaining weight and feeling awful which makes me binge one more day then try to starve myself which finally leads to me feeling powerless and giving up - that part of my life is over! I am free and I am so optimistic. For my birthday I am giving myself a pair of new work pants because my old ones are getting too big, new panties because my butt is finally small enough to fit into victorias secret larges again, and a pair of 15 jeans that are my goal jeans. I want so hard to fit into these jeans by New Years, but even if it isn't until Febuary that I fit into them I know that once I fit into them they will never be too small for me again - that is one of the most liberating feelings ever for me !

Oh and yesterday I tried on my old size 16s and they fit so yea me, they may be old and stretched a bit but a month ago they didn't go around my hips so I am excited!

Hope you all have a fantastic evening and make good choices!!!


So I dissappeared BIG TIME! I know and I'm ashamed, I promise I will never do that again, I tend to abandon things easily, but I've realized that I am not that person I used to be, I am not giving up on my weight loss (which by the way I can't wait to update y'all on), and I'm not going to give up on developing some support and friends and maybe help some others who are having 'bad band moments' as I like to call them. Well so I am now promising at east two bloggs weekly, so give me some feedback so I will feel motivated that people care what I'm saying.

Ok so to pick where I left off, I went for my first fill - I had lost 12lbs! Yea for me I was so excited, even though I didn't feel like I was very restricted at all, I had to be super diligent and what not to lose that weight (Come to find out thats normal and I was paranoid that something was wrong with my band for nothing). So I go into the doctor's office having not eaten anything (which I always do because I want to number to be as big as possible, this may be slightly narotic, but I just can't help myself) And the doc give's me this stuff to check out the band though an ex-ray machine and as he's sticking me BAM I almost pass out - I felt like such a baby, but its kind of funny now.

After the first fill I was expecting this huge change, and that I would be super restricted and lose tons of weight and so on and so forth WRONG! So I found myself eating not so well and excersizing not so much and the weight not coming off (go figure) so I pushed back my fill and after 2 months of not getting a fill I finally realized I just had to do and I went in - 2lbs Wah Wah 2lb! 2lbs! Needless to say I was very upset with myself and I knew I had no one to blame for this but me, I made poor choices and I upset myself, not my band.

So the second fill was better I was more restricted, and I learned what it is like to get food stuck and I am going to be quite honest and say that is not a pleasant experience, in fact if sucks! But I got used to it and ate smaller bites and what not, you adapt and all is well - most of the time. So here's my story, and its gross so I am warning you in advance: I am hungry, its lunch time and I haen't ate for 4 hours, I had class I get out and I am HUNGRY, so I go to Dairy Queen (this was a poor choice anyway, but what can I say you live you learn) I get a hotdog, I thought it was a good choice (even though I bought the foot long, I can't eat a foot long, but whatever old habbits die hard) I take half the bun off very strategic like and such and take two or three very ravenous bites on my way home and by that last bite I knew this was a BIG mistake. the food was coming up and I had no place to put it so it went in the hot dog box and litterally every bite that I had taken was comeing up in globs with wet slimy saliva coming up with it; I was so embarrassed I am stopped at a stop light with people beside me just voming my luch everywheres - I haven't had Dairy Queen or a hotdog since - they just don't taste as good comeing back up.

Ok so also I was planning a cruise to the Bahamas with my roomie and so we were workout fiends and I had a good routine, everything was going very well. I went on the cruise and it was strange, I ate barely anything for breakfast and got sick every single lunch - I would have two bites and be stuck and sadly the bathroom was clear on the other side of the ship, so I had to sprint across the boat to get to a bathroom which was almost never successful sadly, once I vomed in a trash can and one of the staff caught me and looked at me like I was nuts and the second time I ended up salivating all over myself - not hot! But dinner was smooth sailing I could have one dinner roll the entre and dessert and be fine, that little band had a mind of its own, but good news was I ate moderately healthy the whole time, drank a suffient amount every day, didn't work out and still manages to lose half a pound. So at my next appointment I lost 10 pounds!!! Much much better than the measly two from last time.

And now we get to the present. My band is in full effect baby! I have had a hard time getting used to be so restricted and there are times what every meal I have to take breaks or spit up a little, but I'm getting used to it, eating slower and taking smaller bites. I think this will be my last fill for awhile, but most of the time I don't feel full - just filled and then later feel full but in about an hour or two I'm famished so I don't know how much of that is mental and how much is physical, its getting better though. Plus in my experience of going up and down in wieght I have certain places my body likes to stay at, 265 was one of them, which was why it was so hard to loose that weight there I think well now I'm at 252 and trying to get down to another plateau spot which is 245, so I think my body just really thinks I'm starving myself and has the craving brogade marching though my body begging me eat a cookie (or 3) or icecream or some other suger loaded goodie. I'm working very hard to combat that and I have also increased my excersize to make up for it, so I am still aiming for a 12lb loss by next weigh in.

I hope everyone has had a fantastic day and feels they have acheived something!