Be who you are and say what you feel because those that care do not matter and those that matter do not care 
Dr. Suess

my ticker

my ticker

And by coconuts I mean BOOBS!! Yes, I am FINALLY posting my BOOBS blog, seriously this weekend was the most amazing  weekend of my life, you all will never know how much you affected my life!! The entire weekend was insane, full of adventure, and a major lack of sleep balanced out with serious overdoses of caffiene and liquor!!! In fact it has taken me until today to feel fully recovered physically from this weekend! After much time to reflect, I am going to go all sesame street on your asses and say the BOOBS trip was brought to me by the letter I:


I was asolutely in awe from seeing all of these blog stars, these incredible people that I had had the opportunity to voyeristically follow as they went through this weightloss journey. It was honestly like seeing a movie star except I actually cared about you all and was invested in your stories. It was so incredible to see you all in real life, now I know that you are not some cyber figment of my imagination created by some Matrix  style system.

I was in awe of the incredible amount of weight we have lost. 1.5 TONS - that is absolutely i-n-s-a-n-e!!!

I was in awe of the wonderful people you all are in real life. You are all so sweet and loving and supportive. I was in awe of the amazing lives some of you live, you NYC fancy shmancies such as Cathrine and Jen and people like Joey and Sherri who tell amazing stories of their great husbands who love, help, and support them through this process and through life (this is something that I personally strive to have someday so it seems so great to hear it and know there is hope ha ha ). I was in awe of people who were just so comfortable with who they were as people, whether they were at goal or whether they were just getting started.

I was in awe of the organization of our AMAZING coordinators - you worked your asses off and everything came out exquisitely!!!!!

Seeing all you beautiful women inspired me, inspired me to keep chugging along, and to keep growing. I was inspired by all you biatches (and I mean that in the most lovingly sarcastic way possible ;)  ) who have reached and surpassed goal. I was inspired by those of you who have had to struggle through very slow weight loss and keep going, and from those of you who have lost 100 plus and are still inching your way down.

After I sadly got into my car to leave I was on a BOOBS high, I was so inspired and ready to get back home and get started, I am  on the final stretch to getting to goal and this trip was very much needed for me to realize that I can do it, that I want to do it, and that I am READY truly ready to get to goal and be free from this world of -" I need to lose weight. "

Ya'all better watch out because I am about to become super woman and before you know it I will be at goal and I will look and feel AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!


I have never in my life felt so accepted and loved and appreciated and HOT in al my life as I did this weekend. I have never had more people compliment me and tell me that I was beautiful and smart and sweet and many people kept telling me you don't look like you were ever overweight!! That may be the best compliment EVER as I am now slightly obsessed with my bat wings and keep dreaming about cutting them off. It was crazy to me to see people I have watched via blog world for a year now come up to me and say are you Beth and give me a big hug. Or when Steph said that multiple people wanted to help to make sure I had a place to stay as they all had read my blog and wanted me to be there - that is probably the best compliment ever - to know that people actually pay attention to what I have to say and don't just think I am whiney, well thankyou all for reading my blog and supporting me all these months!! I felt incredible when someone said " so you are the Beth everyone is talking about that is so beautiful" OMG -me???

Which brings me to another point, I guess I need to make a confession, it may be kind of obvious, but prior to our trip I did not think of myself as small, or thin - I didn't think I was big, but I thought of my body as kind of like a decently healthy young mom, you know big, but you can tell popping out a couple of kids widened the hips so I thought I was normal, but on the larger side of normal. It took all of you chicas ( and a size 10 designer dress ) to show me that I am not normal, I am thin, I have my problem areas, which yes I still want to work on, but I am not big, I am slender!! I am not fat anymore - that is something VERY hard for me to grasp as I have had to carry that weight my whole life, I know Beth the fat girl, but I don't know what it is like to not be fat, I have to learn who not fat Beth is. At one point I looked at myself on my excruciating drive home and said, I am not fat anymore - outloud, and I balled, I cried and cried and cried for a solid half hour - so in shock, so amazed, so freaked. I now know that I am not fat or big or chunky, I look good. This is hard for me, I am not sure why, but its hard to say that to myself to be proud of myself. I just keep telling myself it everyday praising how I look and loving every minute of the amazing place I am in right now . Thankyou all so much for lifting that veil from my eyes ladies, not only did you help me to see myself more realistically you lifted a burden off my back to live your life thinking you are fat is hard and self loathing and stressfull I am forever in your gratitude!!!!

I CANNOT wait for our next trip, hope to see you all sooon!!!!!!!

I just found out Liz has an emergency and cannot it to Chicago, she was going to be my roomie and I understand that things happen, but I don't know what to do as I know I cannot afford to pay for the hotel myself. I was so excited to go and meet everyone and run the 5K, but unless some group wants to have a third party, there is no way I can go wah wah!! Does anyone have any suggestions as to what I can do??

1) You’re trapped on a desert island and you can bring only 3 of your favourite foods along. What do you bring?

1. Reese's peanutbutter cups
2. Key lime pie
3. ice cream - any and all flavors

2) If you could meet any 3 people, living or dead, who would they be and why?

1. Ghandi
2. Mother Theresa
3. all of you ladies that I love and adore reading everyday(well this will be coming somewhat true in 3 days!)

3) What is your stripper name? (take the name of your first pet and the name of the street you grew up on)

Oscar Wapak - not very sexy if you ask me

4) How old were you when you lost your virginity? Alternative question if you don’t want to answer this: What is your LEAST favourite part of your bod since losing weight? Your MOST favourite since losing weight?

least fav body part would be my inner thighs - they are getting awfully elephanty; favourite - collarbones, arms, shoulders area

5) Do you believe in ghosts or evil spirits? Would you be willing to spend a night alone in a house that is supposedly haunted?

I dont know, maybe, I definatly won't chance it and piss off any spirits on purpose

6) What is your natural hair colour? If you dye it something completely different from what your momma gave ya, how come?

I have regular moussey brown hair, I dye my hair because its fun, I am pretty sure I have had my hair every naturaesk color possible, blonde, brown, black, red, I like it red alot, I think it goes well with my paler skin and green eyes, but I will be changing it soon!

7) Boxers or briefs? Alternatively…bikinis or granny panties?

Boxer-briefs for sure - guy thigh is NOT hot if a guy has one of those amazing round butts then show it off please!

bikinis or granny panties - honestly - neither. I am a free bird!! unless I am wearing a skirt or dress then bikinis

8) If you could only watch one movie for the rest of your life, what would it be and why? (Trilogies do not count as one movie, cheaterpantses!)

A Cinderella story, or PS I love you or Slumdog Millionare

9) What is your guilty pleasure (feel free to go straight to the gutter with this one if the spirit moves you!)

I have to pick just one??? Definately the combination of chocolate and peanutbutter and tall dark men with curly hair and an accent - gets me every time

10) How many pounds gone forever are you celebrating?? :)
95!! Halalooyah

Hi all, you can spank me cause as usual I have been naughty, I haven't blogged in ohh ya know a week and a half, do I have an excuse - no! I have just been lazy oh yea and I guess I didnt want to have to admit to everyone that I have become miss franklin country sugar queen. I mean its bad, bad is an understatement, terrible still not even breaking ground astronomical - maybe close. OK so I will admit last week I ate a can of chocolate fudge frosting. OMG what the hell is wrong with me?? Please someone grab my fat ass in Chicago take me to a room and all you ladies must have an intevention and afterwards send me to sugar rehab PLEASE!!! I have not looked at my scale in a week, last time I checked it was at 191 hells yea, but after this terrible episode I know looking at the scale right now would not be fun, so I am trying my damnest to cut out the carbs completely as I need some detox time and maybe by Friday I will have the strength to get on the scale - maybe. Or I can just leave it at I weight 190 so I can say I have lost 95 pounds while we are in Chicago and let the truth come out on Monday when I go to the doctor's and he tells me well, fat ass, you have gained weight since your unfil :S. Thank god I will be getting a fill on Monday tho I am in desperate need of some salene.

So I did get my clothes last Thursday, I waited all day for them and I truly thought I was going to lose my mind waiting for them. Everytime I heard a truck drive by I RAN to the window to see if it was that big brown truck bringing me presents. So I told you I bought an exobant amount of clothes and I thought nothing would better describe this than a picture of the boxes of clothes I got:

I was most definately not kidding about amount right, and I will more than likely be paying this credit card bill for quite some time :S But needless to say as of now I am in textile heaven!!! Almost everything fits -wow! All of my shirts and sweaters fit but there are two pairs of jeans that need to some work and a few dresses. My ample buttom half just isnt quite there yet, but I see it as something to work for, bery shortly I am sure I will be fitting in them :)

So I did snap a some photos of a few outfits so here ya are:
Pardon my messy room in this one, I was in the process of cleaning out all my old clothes and organizing the new ones.
Speaking of which I went through all my old clothes and tried on some things I have from last year and let me tell you this was when I realized it, I am so0o0o much smaller than I was then and there is a huge difference now from even 6 months ago. And keeping with the theme I took some pics of me in my old clothes - just a warning I have not shirt on, I have my bra on, but just thought Id give ya the heads up before I flached my' belly at ya'all

These capris were seriously tight in the spring (Aprilish) and now they fall off of me, the first pic you can dee my extra space in the abdomen and to me the most amazing thing is the second one, my thighs are a trouble area and when I first started wearing these capris that were so tight on my thighs!

These sweat pants did not even fit me when I first started this journey last July and now they are enormous, this was an eye opener for me, I have a hard time giving myself credit or even acknowledging that I am smaller, but here it makes it obvious, I have lost ALOT of weight and I am on my way, I should really just congradulate myself and not be so hard on myself about this chill time in the 190's. But Im just ready to quit the sugar, the binges and the bullshit, I am ready see the numbers moving again - so why am I sabbotaging myself??? I dont really know but it time I found out or at least got my shit together.

Oh and you ladies have no clue how insanely excited (and nervous) to see you all in 3 DAYS - holy hell!

So I decided to get on a dating cite and try to meet some hot men in Columbus that I could at least date, and well I really hate to be the type of person, but this is so bizarre that I had to show my ladies ... does it shock and amaze you as much as me??

This guy messages me and basically asks me on a date, so I check out his profile and these are his profile pics:

I mean honestly ... I think I am an open minded person, but that man likes women?? I cannot even believe it, its funny and scary and well wierd!!!!!

Ohhh man, where the hell is my manly charming hunk?? Obviously not there

I Wish Wednesday

So I think Im gonna be a follower and partake in my girl Draz's I Wish Wednesday.

I wish I could get a handle on the carbs. Mostly the sugar, I have become a carb-a-holic in the last week and its really miffing me seeing as I have also become a work-out-a-holic and I KNOW I would be in the 180's right now if it wasn't for these intense cravings/ my weak mind. I am going to pay extra attention to taking my clacium and magnesium as that sometimes helps me when I get all sugar crazy and well I guess its time for me to start talking to myself. Affirmations reallyt help me and I have learned if I beleive I can control my sugar cravings I can!! And I really wish I could see the 180's that would e amazing.

I wish I could have my clothes that I ordered on Moday right now! You have no idea how excited I am about clothes, I have never in my life been able to be stylish and trendy and well I am ready to be, I am tall and am startin to see that cute bod, so I think I will look somewhat like those girls in the catalogs (maybe they got me tho :S) I also wish that everything fits, if it does I may just have to vlog a little, my skinny clothes fit me jig.

Speaking of vlogs I wish that I could figure how to get vlogs to download onto blogger, it will upload for hours and nothing!

I wish I could eat Japenese food everyday of my life! I am eating leftovers right now and I must say delicioso!!!

I wish all you amazing ladies knew how much I love and appreciate you. I have NEVER felt so empowered, supported, and loved as I do in this community - Thankyou!! I am so excited to see you all as real people, not cyber being in Chicago, I am warning you now I may run up and hug some of you as if we are long time freinds so sorry for the weird factor in advance :) I also wish I wasnt nervous about Chicago, meeting you all is like meeting all these people I so admire and I want badly to make a good impression and be as accepted and loved in real life as I feel in my cyber world.

and finally, I wish I could meet someone, I am soo0o on the prowl (meow) I am ready ready to date, to flirt, to make out a bit ( OK maybe alot but whatever) !!

Blogger Awards!!!

Hope ya'all are enjoying your labor day weekend!

I have be a naughty naughty girl ( for some reason when I do bad things and say naughty I feel much less bad about it)

 1. My eating habits have been waaaayy out of control, why do I let sugar take over my world??

2. I decided today that I was in need of a new wardrobe as none of my winter clothes fit me and I am getting awful close to goal so I thought if I bought my clothes on the smaller side then I could buy a good portion of new clothes - so I spent an absolute exorbant amount of money on a what can only be called a shit-ton on new clothes. I bought them in juniors mediums and juniors 11s which makes me nervous because what if I bought all these new clothes and cant fit into them, I know eventually I will fit into them, but what about now, Im going to have to wear my one pair of jeans that fit and oversized sweaters - yea! not, I am ready to be hot and trendy and it will be awful if all my hot and trendy clothes are too small. I guess that will just give me an incentive to get my eating under control. Also I do not have alot of play money, so Im pretty sure all the clothes I bought will take all my play money for the rest of the year - but I wanted to celebrate my good work and I do need new clothes. 

3. I have been awarded several awards and have neglected to thank my darlings for the reward or continue the cycle, so0o0o here goes:

1. Post who gave you this award:

Thank you Liz at for giving me this award, you are truly one of my besties, I am so grateful that I met you and that you will be my roomie in Chicago!

2. State 10 things you like:
            1) dancing
            2) languages
            3) suede boots with heals
            4) running
            5) key lime pie
            6) planning things
            7) making out ;)
            8) sweaters
            9) tall dark and handsome
           10) accents
3. Give this award to 10 other bloggers and notify them with a comment:











In July ( I know I am really naughty) two wonderful blogg buddies nominated me for this award too ( I really do appreciate the love ladies) those two ladies were: Leah: and


Thank the person giving the award. check

Share seven things about yourself.

Nominate 15 newly discovered blogs.

Let your nominees know about the award.

7 things about me:
     1) I know how to speak a little conversational Egyptian Arabic - salaam
     2) I teach ESL classes on Mondays and Wednesdays - I have never felt so amazing as I do after               I am done with a class
     3) I want to go backpacking through Europe as my reward for when I meet my weight goal (160 lbs)
     4) My favorite type of restaurant is hibachi style Japanese food ( I could eat it eeryday for the rest of my      life seriously )
     5) I am a cryer - I literally cry at least once a day, anything can make me cry; a country song, movies,    or       just seeing a dad playing with his kids - its loco
     6) My dad named me beth after the kiss song he was a kiss freak as a kid
     7) I think my internal clock has started to tick, I am getting thoughts of marriage and babies all the time lately; which is very unlike me - good lord sometimes fighting nature is so hard ha ha

15 people I nominate:

1) Caroline
5) Maria
11)Amanda M
12)Ms Chunky Chick

OMG that was intense - but I didit, I love my ladies!!!!!

Thousand Word Thursday

Amy from Babbles of a Bandster (  started a new thing called 'Thousand Word Thursday,' today's subject is:
'Let's celebrate our own beauty and how wonderful we all look with a photo of your favorite feature (on your own body and not X-rated, please, Draz!)'

Well here goes,

Yep, my favorite feature would most definately be my eyes. (WARNING: I am about to become very obnoxiously egotistical so get a bucket close in case I make you want to vom. ) I first of all love the color of my eyes, they are green with a thin rim of deep dark blue and golden speckles in them. The shade of green or yellow or blue changes with what I wear and my makeup and people ask me alot if they are contacts - nope, all naturale. I also like the shape of my eyes they are a pretty, exotic almondy shape - I think Brooke ( called them tigress eyes so thankyou for that one. 

First of all thankyou to all you WOMDERFUL ladies who commented on my updated before and now pics; you are all the most supportive and amazing FAMILY of women!!!

Second of all this is about to be a very deep (hopefully not too depressing) post so be warned!

I would just like to start this post out by saying, I may sound depressed, but I am really not - I think I am just ready to start my next phase of this process - the important phase. Now I am ready to become the woman I have always wanted to be when before I was ready to be the weight of the woman I had always wanted to be. So what is this whole thing about. Well, at 285 pounds I may have done something most people say they didn't do - I think (OK I know) I told myself that "if I was skinny ___________ would not be this way." Yes, I was that girl. The reason I was not in love, had few friends, was a slob (which sadly I was), I felt my family did not love and except me, I did not love and except me, was because I was obese. Well, miss thang wake up, because you are not obese anymore, you are almost not even overweight technically (even tho I would definately NOT call myself overweight, but Im talking medical here) and guess what a lot of those things are still here. I am on my way to goal, I am the thinnest I have ever been as an adult and now I can't use my weight as the reason that I am not, well happy. This is not to say that my life is terrible, but now I am ready and I want more. I used to think that losing weight was the be all end all - it would solve all my problems, but now I realize it doesn't now I have to solve all my problems! Wow - that is crazy.

Who I am in the real world and who I am in the blog world are much much different. Here I feel I am much closer to my true self, I have the comfort of my computer to let me be me and not feel the pressure, plus if I say anything that I feel I could be judged on, I can just delete or edit my post to reflect what I truly want to say. In the real world I am very very guarded. What I think is that I have just had waaaayy to many people hurt my feelings or tease me or treat me bad (as it IS easier to pick on the fat kid) so I just keep to myself. But the extent of my anti-social behavior is more offensive than defensive. I have a tendency to be abrasive and I push people away. I am very high strung around people and I tend to look for every flaw in them ( I guess to be prepared if they are mean to me, I don't know). I am not sure when this terrible attitude problem started, but what I do know is that I have used it for a very long time to keep people away from me and keep them from hurting me - and sadly I have succeeded. People can feel the energy I put out, I have been called intimidating, wound tight, bitchy, scarey, the list can go on and on.

I am a control freak. I feel the need to prove that I am amazing, I have a long strung out array of majors and minors, I have to look good, I have to have more, do more, be more. Its all about being better and being in control. In control of situations, in control of relationships, in control of my life. I cannot handle embarassment, it kills me when I do something that makes me look stupid, I will literally go over it over and over in my mind trying to decide if other people even think about it still or not (how devastated should I be) and I will go over the same embarassing happening for years!  so I am rigid.  I try to avoid any and all experiences that will make me look like an idiot - I know pathetic.

I have had a huge issue about feeling wanted, I have not really ever felt wanted. I thought my family didn't want me, I felt that many people in school didn't want me, and every person I meet I think in the back of my head, I wonder what they want from me and how long it will be before they show that they do not want me. But now that I look at it, I really think that the real person who never excepted me was me. I decided before I would even meet someone that they would not like me, back then because I was fat, and now, well I dont know why - yet. I decided that my family did not love or except me, that they couldnt unless I was thin, I see how much they do love me now and how much they would have loved me before if it wasn't for the fact that I pushed them ALL away, I would not speak to anyone, and if I did it was with a very nasty attitude. I decided that I was unlovable, and since then I have not let anyone love me. Yet all I have ever wanted was to feel loved and wanted. Why, do I stop myself from what I have always wanted?? I do not know -yet.

I am to the point where I no longer want to be that person. I don't want to be angry, I don't want to be negative. I do not want to look for every flaw in a person just to make myself feel better, feel equal. I want to be open, happy, uplifting, inviting, and most of all I want to be free. I don't know when I started to entrap myself or what it is that I have barried that I have been protecting myself from, but I am ready to move on, to have more than acquaintances - to have true full friendships, to have realtionships with my family, and to fall in love. I am ready to trust people and love people and open my heart again. This I know will be much harder than losing weight, that is just math - eat less work out more; but this is a matter of the mind and the heart, and with that there is no equation to fixing. But what I do realize is that I want a wonderful, amazing, happy, full life and to get to that castle I have to swim across the mote - I got my suit on and the goggles, guess its about time I just jumped in ya know??

Happy Wednesday!!!!

That may be a little over-enthusiastic of a greeting, but I have been working out ALOT lately and I am on a non- stop endorphine high which makes me one happy, easy to get along with girl!

I've seen quite of few of my favs posting some before and after pictures and thought to myself, I havenot really EVER done that. I don't know exactly why, but partly I think its because for me its very hard to admit where I was and also its because at my highest weight I did not leave my house for much and I certaintly was not not going to allow anyone to take a picture of the sad state I had found myself in.
But now I am over that, now those before picctures are just a sign of how hard I have worked and the progress I have made so here it goes:  The one on the left is from my trip to Egypt in March 2008, I think I weighed around 260 here, I actually managed to lose 35-40 pounds and then gain 60 back by June the next year as I was 285 when I started my lap band journey, but I honestly cannot find any pictures of me from then so this will have to do. And of course the one on the right is me today!

                                                                                                                                                                                                                     Ahh it is such an amazing feeling to know that I am not there anymore I weight around 75 pounds less than that girl and have lost around 95!! Wow - thank you lap band, I KNOW I would not be where I am right now if it wasnt for that decision.

Ohh and here are some more pictures of me from today, I was feeling a bit vain so I had a little photo shoot cha know. Also if you didn't notice, I cut my hair :) .