Be who you are and say what you feel because those that care do not matter and those that matter do not care 
Dr. Suess

my ticker

my ticker

Dear Aunt Flo

Dear Period,

Will you please go away, you MAKE me crave naughty foods - high sugar, high salt naughtiness. I have 8 pounds to lose for Chicago and I am working out like an alstar, but the cookies and chips are sabotaging my good effort. So if you could just stop bringing out cravings that would perfect.

Sincerly Yours,


I hope everyone has enjoyed their weekend!

I went to the doc's on Friday, since June I have lost 20lbs! The nutritionist was so proud of me, my doctor (who is hard core I must say) told me well, you should have lost 4 more pounds to be averaging 2lbs a week. I explained how tight I was and he scolded me for not getting an unfil and told me he would have to take all 2.5 ccs out that he had put in to get let the swelling come down and then in a month I can get 1.5 ccs put back in. I got a bit of a lecture about my band and slippage - which I probably deserved.

Well hello hunger! I actually feel hungry, my stomache growled for the first time in months! It was crazy. I am getting hungry much faster, but thedoctor warned me it was going to be like that and he also said I may gain a little weight at first, but I am determined not to let that happen!! I have sworn off the flavored lemonades, strawberry daqueris (virgin) and mini desserts at work. I am planning my meals and making good decisions AND training for the 5K, which will be including 2 workout a day and 3 sessions with my trainer - I will not gain I will make my 185 goal for Chicago and I WILL run the 5 K in Chicago!!!

Yesterday must have been a skinny day for me. I get to work and a co-worker tells me how she hasn't seen me for 2 weeks and I look like I've lost 15lbs - very nice. One of the guys I used to work with, who is one of my besties, had moved and surprised us all by stopping in and the first thing he says to me is "You've lost more weight," then finally we all met up at a bar and I saw a girl I used to work with 2 years ago and she spent the whole conversation rubbing my back and telling me how little and skinny I was. I als o got hit on by some guy there, but it was awkward as I thought he was gay and hitting on my guy friend - ha ha.

There are moments when I look at my body and I am so impressed and happy - I do feel like I am starting to really like what I look at. BUT then two second later I can take a secon look and all I see are stretchmarks loose skin and the 30 pounds that I still need to lose. This is crazy, I cannot even remember what my body used to look like, and there are moments when I feel like I hate my body now just as much as I used to, as if my 190 pound body is just as lumpy and big as my 285 pound body, now mentally I know that is not the case, but in my head its quite off. This emotional craziness that is going on has left me with a big fear. I am 30 pounds from goal.  So what then, what will happen when I do not have anymore weight to lose and I am still not perfect, will I still not be happy? Will it ever be good enough? And is this need to have a great body, is it even really about my body or is it something else, some deep set feeling of inadequacy that I am projecting onto my body because it is something physical that I can do something about. I am just really worried that I still wont be happy at 160 pounds - Is it ever going to be good enough.

... And if not can I deal with it not being perfect??

The belly blog

First I would like to say that after re-reading my blog from last night, it was obvious that I was in serious need of sleep, my spelling and grammar was t-e-r-r-i-b-l-e! I obviously was a sleep deprived zombie.

 So I know you all are just waiting to see my belly and know what on earth has brought me to the point of flashing the world, but ya'all are just gonna have to hold yer horses and read for a while ( or for the rebels, just scroll down ha ha ). This is my update on diet/ excersize/ weight loss world. I have basically not had time to do much of anything but study, volunteer, and work for the last 2-3 weeks. So therefore the couch 2 5k has been on the back burner :( wah wah. I am going to the gym after this, so its back on the saddle again. I will be running that damn 5 k in Chicago, if they have to bring me oxygen at the finish line!! I did work out with my trainer 2x a week up until last week which I only did one and I will be doing one session tomorrow for this week. On the food front, I would say I have been concious, but more concious that I am not eating very well!

Here's my dilema: My band is tight! I mean like I don't even eat 1/2 of a cup tight. I am not even hungry until 12:00 tight. I am not PB'ing all over the place, but I take two, three, five bites - and thats it, thats a meal. I know this is not good, but I am teatering on the idea of getting a slight unfill. I kind of like how tight I am, it in a way liberates me. I literally will eat anything I want, but I can only eat about 3 bites of it. Yesterday, I had an extra large sugarfree redbull and probably 10 fruit snacks all day, that is it. Ok I know that sounds terrible, but in my defense I had a presentation and a final so I was practising, and studying all day and then I has ESL classes and then I went to bed! But I was not even hungry or felt a need to get food. This is the end of eating what I love until I can no longer look at it (OK that hasn't happened in months) or until its coming back up (that, unfortunately has happened in a much shorter amount of time :S). I cannot eat alot, but I can eat a little of everything. I do wish that I could eat meals, because I do tend to eat just a little of the good stuff and then an hour when Im no longer "filled" I am left stuffing myself with ice cream. I have a fill appointment tomorrow, I know if I tell the doc I can only eat 5 bites of solid food at a time, he will throwing me on the bed and sticking me like its no tomorrow, and maybe thats what I need, but right now I dont have to make decisions, my band is doing it for me and well I am sort of liking it.

When I did have the time to run and work out and tried to make good eating decisions I was bouncing aroung the 198 range for, well since the second to last week of the challenge. I was frustrated, but then I realized I didnt have time to worry about it . I stopped stepping on that scale, I stopped working out, and I stopped worrying about what I was eating. So needless to say yesterday I was not looking forward to stepping that scale. And do you know what it said?! 193!! Holy Cow! I was not expecting that - at ALL! And then when I got on the scale this morning it said 191!!! 191, do you know that that means I am almost in the 180's I am 6 pounds away from 100 pounds down - now that is an accomplishment!! I know that the scale is going to play games with my head and will be up abit tomorrow, but Im ok with it.

Alright alright, now my belly stuff. I have really started to notice my body (at least with my upper body) really start to look nice, working out with my trainer has helped me alot, although I want my butt lifted and thighs tightened, what I am getting for now are toned shoulders and back and a flat stomach! My stomach is slimming down nicely I must say and so I took some pictures last night and thought I should share the flatness.

We'll start with a face pic (as I don't want my stomach to be on everyone's dashboard, someday I will take pictures of me with makeup, but I never think to take pictures when I have just put on makeup so you guys just get to see my face with only makeup residue .  

Alright, well now here is my belly, Im a bit nervous to show you, you get to see my zebra stripes (stratch marks) battle wounds (surgery scars). Along with a few new freinds, allow me to introduce you to my ribs and my port!!!

Do ya see it?!!!

I miss my ladies

So life has been a blur, if anyone is on my facebook you may have seen the insane amount of pics I just uploaded from the last few weeks, its a myriad of all the activites I have been doing for my Spanish class. If not here are some highlights:

I have been one busy bee, but I miss my ladies!! I know at this point catching up on the last month's worth of blogs is probably impossible, so if I missed something important, I'm sorry!!! But I am finally free so I will be much more attentive.  I really loved the work I did this summer, even if it was an insane amount of work. I love the kids at the Centro de Esperanza, I have made connection and friendsships as well as have a place volunteer and contribte to the community. I have found I really enjoy teaching ESL classes, its fun, like playing school, but the students actually listen and do what I say ha ha

Ok well I havent slept since monday so im exhausted and its time to crash - i will be blogging tomorrow, and its another photoe pic, AND for all you creepers I will be showing you my belly, yup the zebra print abdomen - I know you are shaking with anticipation. There is a reason I will be flashing the world my torso, but ill get into that tommorrow!! 
- tootaloo  

Hi my name it Beth and I used to be an avid blogger!
I feel like crap for dissappearing :( I have recording SEVERAL vlogs as I promised my Onederland vlog, but I can't get it to upload onto blogger! How do I get it on blogger???!!

So whats up with me. Today I weighed myself - 198.0. It is so surreal to type that 1, I in fact accidentally put in the 2 and its even stranger to have to correct it to a 1! I love it tho. The last two weeks have been kind of like always, there were some highs followed by lows, and I continue to struggle with my sugar issues. Maybe that will be my life, I know that sugar is my weakness and its something that I have to watch and I have use strength to not overindulge. For a long time I have felt like I am cursed with the burden of a sugar addiction. Well guess what, that is Bullshit. Everyone struggles everyday with something. Drug addicts its drugs, alcoholics, alcohol, maybe its anger or people pleasing, but the truth is I am no different than any other person in the world and I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and realize its my weakness, not my lifes burden. I have to watch it, but the fact that I may enjoy a piece of cheese cake more than the average person is not going to ruin me!!!

I have successfully completed two weeks of couch 2 5K!! I am really proud of myself! Today I will be completing day 1 of week three. I know I shouldn't, but as the weeks continue I get more and more nervous that it will become too hard. I hate that voice, I need to shut it up hard, and what better way than to prove to myself that no matter how sore I am, no matter how bad my knees or heels hurt, that I CAN run for that 30 mins. The truth is sometimes I have to force myself on that treadmill, but once I get on there I rock it. So I guess now it is just a matter of time that the voice will become a whisper and then it will dissappear! (Hopefully sooner than later)

I am reading Naturally Skinny, by Bethenny Frankel. I really am enjoying it so far, the book is more like a frame of mind book than a diet book, which is what I need. Lets face it I know how to eat right, I have known it since I started my dieting obsession over a decade ago. What I obviously need is to change how I think about food. I started that journey to a new frame of mind with food when I got my beloved band. But I always feel that there is still quite a bit of room for improvement so this book is an opportunity to not only reevaluate all the things I have been learning and build on that. The book has ten commandments so to speak of being naturally skinny. I am not through the book, but I think I will discuss each commandment individually as I read them.
Commandment #1: Your Diet is a Bank Account
This basically says that you can and should eat what you want, but you need a balance. So if you have alot of carbs for breakfast, lunch should have more protein. Another thing with this concept is that when you have a 'bad meal' you do not ruin your whole day, instead you just say, I had a very decadent meal, so now I need to balance it with a day or two of very healthy meals. This also means you do not feel guilty about eating ANYTHING, maybe your body needs a few extra carbs, litsten to you body!!! But dont go crazy, be smart, be balanced! This is my goal. Instead of going to work and saying oh well I ate a mousse so I am just going to go crazy, I will be balanced. If I want a mini dessert, then I am not going to have a lemonade, and if I am obviously hungry I will eat something, but something balanced. I am also going to be aware that I will be going to work that day, so maybe I should have a lighter day as the night will more than likely be a little indulgent. So theres this weeks food game plan.

I have a doctor's appointment on Friday, I am excited to get an official weigh in! But I know I did not make my 2 pound a week goal (by like 7 pounds right now :S) but I still have lost a significant amount of weight. I am still teetering on whether or not I need an unfil. I am tight. But I do not get sick alot as long as I am careful. But I also feel like I eat too little sometimes and start the sugar cycle because I am too tight. Ooor it could be that I am allowing myself that excuse - I am still not sure. What I do know is that I ABSOLUTELY do NOT need a fill! I am afraid that an unfil will make it even harder for me to lose my last 35 pounds and its already hard as I am getting smaller and smaller, I don't want to make it even more dificult

Well thats all for now, I need to take some pictures and do some update photoes, which I am hoping to do this week, but I am making no promises ha ha

Hope everyone is enjoying their Tuesday!