Be who you are and say what you feel because those that care do not matter and those that matter do not care 
Dr. Suess

my ticker

my ticker

I hope everyone has enjoyed their weekend!

I went to the doc's on Friday, since June I have lost 20lbs! The nutritionist was so proud of me, my doctor (who is hard core I must say) told me well, you should have lost 4 more pounds to be averaging 2lbs a week. I explained how tight I was and he scolded me for not getting an unfil and told me he would have to take all 2.5 ccs out that he had put in to get let the swelling come down and then in a month I can get 1.5 ccs put back in. I got a bit of a lecture about my band and slippage - which I probably deserved.

Well hello hunger! I actually feel hungry, my stomache growled for the first time in months! It was crazy. I am getting hungry much faster, but thedoctor warned me it was going to be like that and he also said I may gain a little weight at first, but I am determined not to let that happen!! I have sworn off the flavored lemonades, strawberry daqueris (virgin) and mini desserts at work. I am planning my meals and making good decisions AND training for the 5K, which will be including 2 workout a day and 3 sessions with my trainer - I will not gain I will make my 185 goal for Chicago and I WILL run the 5 K in Chicago!!!

Yesterday must have been a skinny day for me. I get to work and a co-worker tells me how she hasn't seen me for 2 weeks and I look like I've lost 15lbs - very nice. One of the guys I used to work with, who is one of my besties, had moved and surprised us all by stopping in and the first thing he says to me is "You've lost more weight," then finally we all met up at a bar and I saw a girl I used to work with 2 years ago and she spent the whole conversation rubbing my back and telling me how little and skinny I was. I als o got hit on by some guy there, but it was awkward as I thought he was gay and hitting on my guy friend - ha ha.

There are moments when I look at my body and I am so impressed and happy - I do feel like I am starting to really like what I look at. BUT then two second later I can take a secon look and all I see are stretchmarks loose skin and the 30 pounds that I still need to lose. This is crazy, I cannot even remember what my body used to look like, and there are moments when I feel like I hate my body now just as much as I used to, as if my 190 pound body is just as lumpy and big as my 285 pound body, now mentally I know that is not the case, but in my head its quite off. This emotional craziness that is going on has left me with a big fear. I am 30 pounds from goal.  So what then, what will happen when I do not have anymore weight to lose and I am still not perfect, will I still not be happy? Will it ever be good enough? And is this need to have a great body, is it even really about my body or is it something else, some deep set feeling of inadequacy that I am projecting onto my body because it is something physical that I can do something about. I am just really worried that I still wont be happy at 160 pounds - Is it ever going to be good enough.

... And if not can I deal with it not being perfect??


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