Be who you are and say what you feel because those that care do not matter and those that matter do not care 
Dr. Suess

my ticker

my ticker

Well I got home from a super long night at work, the restaurant that I serve at is kind of buffet style and we had a special for Memorial Day, 10.99 all you can eat, so we were super busy, so busy that it took us almost 2 hours to close!! So when I came home I, being the blog addict I am, I hopped on the computer. I had found a new bog it called confessions of a + sized girl, Monica is a non bander and fighting the good fight , but anyway I wrote a little comment of encouragement, and her comment back to me telling me how much she appreciated it really made me feel good. That is what we are here for, to support eachother and push each other so I feel so proud that I can be part of it an the giving side, seeing as I am on the recieving side so much!

As I began to relax after work, and while I watched My Sister's Keeper and bawled my effing eyes out, I downloaded some photos of my Target purchases from last week. I even took a picture of my shorts, which are still not wearable for public, and now that I look at the pics of it I don't know if they ever will be, my thighs are super cottage cheesey - no good. I would just like to say that this is me being very brave, I do not wear shorts and I do not like people seeing my legs, my lower body is definately my trouble area, I have thick thighs and as much as I know at least for now that is my reality, I don't want to flaunt it so no body gets to see my sausage link thighs - until today.

This dress is a medium! The fact that I can fit into a medium dress makes it worthy of me buying it, but when it is cute too, well I had to have it! I think it was like 24.95 too! Ohh and this dress was the one that a girl complemented me on today, well now it would be yesterday

This is the dress I bought for my cousins wedding next saturday, I love the green with my new red hair. Its a size 16 so its a little big, but I don't think it looks too big. Also this means that shortly I can put it on the travelling pants line!

This is the same dress as the green one above but it is a 14 and its black with colorful speckles. I love it so much, I wore it on Thursday night and Saturday night downtown. The first picture is my favorite one of all the pictures I took today, I don't know why I just think its pretty and kind of artistic. The second one has a bit of a story to it. So as I have said in many blogs, as I am shrinking, my butt is not, I don't get it, but the fat on my dairy aire is holdin on strong! So Saturday night as we were walking back to the car in the parking garage and there was a group of guys in a car and what do I hear but, look at that big booty, gee thanks, I know I should be like ahh haaaahhh, and utilize my ass-ets, but I feel awkward, so this second picture is a visual of my ample humps!

I love this style dress, I think they are super cute and curve conscious! This one is a medium too :)

And drumroll please ...... the shorts

I am pretty close to these being public wearable, but I need to get rid of the spare tire effect these shorts create and y'all see the curdiness of my thighs, but I am not sure if even when I feel like these shorts fit, that my thighs won't still be celluliscious :S but I am going to be optimistic!!!!!

SO there ya have my new purchases, I love every single one. And I thought that I would leave you wonderful ladies with some face shots, its incredible to look at some of them, because I don't even look like myself in some of them - I always wondered what I would look like thin, I am now seeing that skinny bitch peek through!!!!!! woot woot

Fill update and NSVs

Hello one and all! I hope everyone is having a great memorial day weekend and enjoying their sunday. I am having one of those days where nothing could bring me down. I am in such a good mood!!!

So Friday I went to my fill appointment. I weighed in at 212, not too shabby (I would have liked to be at 206 as that would have 2 lbs a week, but whatevs) I am now 12 lbs from 200 - I am so excited!! That leaves me with 12 lbs to lose this month to hit my personal goal of 85lbs by my bandiversary. I know that is a little steep, but I know that if I am diligent and I work hard I can lose 3 lbs a week. At my appointment I got a .25 cc fill, and I can definately feel er in there. So that makes me even more open minded to thinking this is a doable goal!

Some NSVs: Last night I went out! It was one of my besties' birthday, so we went down town had a few drinks and did some dancing. I hadn't seen a few of these girls in a few months and they told me how good I look and how I look like I've lost a lot of weight. And I as always humbly said well, yea, and went on. I dont really want my weightloss to be in the lime light, because I don't know what to do with it, I have learned though I will take in the complements and give myself aa pat on the back for them because i put in the work so I should reep the rewards! So last night we were dancing and I ended up dancing with this guy - and he was normal, a really good dancer and nice and fun!! It was great, I needed the ego boost, ohhh and as we were leaving, I heard him say to his friends, 'she's leaving, what should I do', so that was cool. I sound like such a 16 year old right now, but I never got to be young and hot so now I am experiencing it and yes, I am a little like a 16 yrs old. I also went to the grocery today, and I think I am notincing it now, men at the counters say hi to you and look at you in the eyes, that very politeness is something that I never got before. You know what else I love and have been getting alot lately, I will be walking on campus, at the store, just random places and girls will complement my clothes, now that feels awsome!! There is nothing more gratifying than a random girl givng you a complement, seeing as we can be pretty viscious, at least in my experience.  My final NSV is kind of wierd, so now that I am losing weight, my hip bones are beginning to stick out more and they do not have that lovely layer of protective fat they used to. Well at work there are a bunch of island walls and such and I am so clumbsy and have terible depth perception, so I run into them all the time. Well yesterday I did that and hit my hip bone, and it hurt so damn bad I kneeled over in pain for like 5 mins. It was awful, but I know it is because I no longer have all that fat covering my hip bones, so yea??? I know that one is a weird NSV, also another thing I notice at work is now that I am almost 75 lbs down, my feet do not hurt nearly as much as they used to I worlked all day yesterday, and worked Friday night, and I have running and excersixing and I went dancing and today my feet do not hurt! That is wonderful!! Thank you band!

Well. y'all have a marvelous weekend!

So today I am starting to fell back to being 100% me, the happy, healthy me. Ya know know the one who can decide if she wants to eat some chocolate and who works out, and who knows she will make every day a step towards my goal weight. Yea finally she decided to wake up. No more moping,  no more questioning my ability to have what I want, its time to just do - not think!

I have realized how very shitty eating bad makes me feel. When I eat junk, I feel like junk and it makes me depressed and lazy and unproductive. So there ya go another reason why I need to step away from the chocolate! Also I went about two weeks from working out and ya  know that may, OK I know it contributed to my gloominess. I need endorphins, I love endorphins, they are my friend!!! I worked out today, I ran - tried to do the 2mins @ 4.5 2 @ 6.3, I did that for the first 16 mins and then I walked at 4.5 for the remaining 14 mins. My body ached, my chest hurt, and I LOVED EVERY FREAKING MINUTE OF IT!!! I love to exercize it makes me feel empowered, like I can do anything b/c I am a calorie burning machine.

Friday I have an appointment with my doc. I think I need just a smidgent of a fill. My restriction at meals is perfect, but I get hungry very soon after, so I need just that little bit to take the edge off (did I just equivalate hunger to the same coming down feeling an addict gets??) I am not too excited to see my docta man, as I have not been quite the good little bandster the months of April and May, so where the doc wants me to be at around 206 when I get there I am hoping for 213, which is a decent number, but its no 2 lb a week loss. So what does this mean? This means I am going to have this fellow bandster doc who knows all ( and he does) ask me why I didn't do so good and I am going to have to tell him how I have been eating Reese's like its my job and he's will be disappointed and I will have to learn my lesson. In my head I am imaging an episode of Full House, and I am not looking forward to it. It was so nice to hear, "well congratulations, you are perfect" last time. But I just have to face the scale and my doctor. I love him, he really helps alot, but he's one tough cookie.

On a brighter note, I went to Target on Monday - I did some serious damage! I went to find a cord for my iPOD and never even made it to the electronics. I get lost in clothes land. I had to buy a dress for my cousins wedding next Saturday, and so in looking for that I ended up buying 5 dresses and a pair of shorts. The dress sized varied from L to guess what a medium! I have never worn a medium dress, and I still have a problem with it. Like I am afraid they don't actually look good on me and I am just having a brief moment of RBDS (reversed body dysmorphic syndrome). I just have that fear that I look like that fat girl who thinks she's hot and wears things that look ohh so bad on her. I am very afraid of being that girl. But now I recognize the fear and I still do check every persons face as I walk by them and I can say I do not see that look I once saw sometimes. Am I really starting to look normal??? My god I hope so. I also did something I have never done. I bought a pair of shorts! I do not wear shorts, not with my thighs. But I bought a pair of 14 shorts, I also have never worn a 14 anything so its time to start doing things I have never done right? I cannot wear them yet, they fit me, but they are too tight for public but very shortly I will be a person who wears shorts in public and I am excited. Also once they fit I think I will be buying like 5 pair because I am ready to show off my legs and be proud of them!!

OK well that all I have for ya folks, I'll let ya know how the fill appointment goes on Friday!

 I would like to start with saying thanks o those who commented on my blog yesterday. I read it over a few times, and I sound pathetic, but I have found lately that is I don't get it off my chest I will go crazy. I no longer can use food to cope with my problems which has left me in a really weird place right now, I don't know what to do with my issues and so the anxiety just keeps building, yesterday I cleaned my room in hopes that a clean sweep would do the trick, there was slight improvement, but I'm still not 100%. What I need to do is sweat it out at the gym, but there's problems in I pod/ I tunes land. Anywhoo, I am a firm believer in fate and when the time come I will find prince charming, until then I need to just work on being the best me I can and let god handle the rest! 

my first ever BYOC!!!

1. If you had 3 wishes what would they be and why?  (you can't wish for more wishes or money!)

Wish number 1: I would look like Kim Kardashian, ( I am so very vain) 
Wish number 2: I would be able to travel the world with no worries of time or money and help people living in poverty and war liberate themselves.
Wish number 3: I would marry my soul mate and we would be madly in love (like the first few months in love) for the rest of our lives! 

2. If you had all the money in the world and perfect circumstances - how many children would you have and what sex?

I would love love love to have 4 kids, two girls and two boys if it could be two set of twin that would be ideal, or just all four at once (the whole child birth thing seems so extremely intolerable to me that I think I would like to pop as many out at one time as possible! 

3. Have you ever faked it?

Ummm, yes and anyone who says they haven't is a liar. I will try to let it o on as long as possible, but sometimes its just time to go to sleep or I'm over it! I have no shame.

4. What movie character do you think you look like?

I get told I look like people all the time, someone you know, a cousin, a friend. Its absolutely ridiculous, On a weekly basis, and I am not kidding I am told I look like someone, people on TV is no different. I have been told I look like the mom from Gilmore girls, and like the daughter in the Sopranos. Ha, I wish! 

 5. Which blog or comment spoke to you or stuck with you this week and why?

I think all the blogs with reason for getting banded were very interesting to me. It help us put things in perspective. There are many days when all I can focus on is that number, am I up weight am I down, how can I get that number closer to 160, but that was not my reason for getting banded. It was to fit in, to feel confident and sexy, to not have to shop at plus sized stores. And most of those things I have accomplished! SO when I get upset and down I need to look back at 285 lbs Beth and see what she would think right now and what she would be happy about! 

Have a good weekend, luv y'all mucho!!!! 

This is really bothering me and please tell me your opinion on the whole thing, and you don't have to be nice about it I need some "Get Real" talk.

So several bloggers have been talking about how their new bodies are changing how men see them and they are having issues with their partners because they were not ready for all that that entails. That men look at them with wanton eyes ( I just love that Victorian word by the way)  and how sexy they feel etc. And in all honesty I am really jealous! I feel bad for all of you as I know its causing serious issues with your partners, but right now I am being selfish and the truth is it is bothering me that I am NOT getting that attention.

First off I hate being single. Perhaps its my fatty mentality but once I am single I know I have all these issues that I have to work out before I can move on to another relationship and I also know it will take me a while to find a decent man. I do not know how some of you ladies do it, or what is wrong with me that I do not get it, but so many of you talk about how you have never had trouble finding a boyfriend and that weight has not kept you from good relationships, but for me it most definitely has (either that or men just don't find me attractive in general :S). I would go out and get hit on sure, but not by 'normal' men, I would only get hit on by old men or how can I say this politely "urban" men, (this is one reason I really hate my big ass, wrong kind of attention). Now I may sound terrible right now, but when I mean old, I am not talking about like 30's old, I am talking about senior citizens, last year a man that was easily my GRANDPA'S age asked to buy me a drink, I am 22 years old, this does not boost ones ego. And as for the urban thing, I am not being judgmental as much as I just feel I am college educated and I do not want to date a man who thinks a proper way of asking a girl out is yelling across the parking lot "You's sexy." Can you blame me?

Well anyway, now that I feel like a hateful bi-atch I will continue with this. As I continue this journey I am starting to feel confident, I look good, possibly the best I have ever looked, even though I know I still have a long ways to go. Everybody is coming up to me and saying how good I look and even guys that I haven't seen in awhile are like you look so good, you are half a person now. A good guy friend of mine told me yesterday, the guys were all talking and you have such a beautiful face. STILL!!!??? STILL I have a beautiful face! When am I just going to be beautiful??

It just bothers me because I want that verification from my male peers that I am attractive, I want to be hit on, and I just do not get it. Yesterday I went out with my old room mate, she is beautiful, tiny shapely Colombian, exotic and I remember how much I hated going out with her when I was really big because I was invisible next to her. It wasn't her fault but it is wearing on ya when you go out and everyone is all over your friends and you are the funny one that everyone loves to talk to, but always go home alone.  SO anyway we go to lunch and her friend meets us there, he's cute, newly single guy and same old shit happens. She wants nothing to do with him, he's not her type, but he flirts with her, he touches her, he makes it obvious that he wants her, and who could blame him. But I am fun and interesting to talk to, great friend material, but in the end nothing more than that. It just really bothers me. my biggest fear is that even after I lose 50 more pounds that it will still be the same, what is wrong with me ???

Oh but before all that happened I was feeling really hot! I fit in my 14/15 juniors jean I bought 2 years ago and took pictures so here they are :

Yesterday was exhausting, I took my exam ( I got a B- which by the way I am NOT happy about). Midterms stress me out and I didn't do exceptional on the eating front as I was studying, and I didn't sleep all night, so my trying to work on the weight front has been on a scale of 1 -10 a 3 I would say. As I am 100% on everything kind of girl I didn't really like that, but when I am in survival mode (surviving midterms in this case) I just try to make it through the days. I then went to Max and Erma's and got tortilla soup with the ex and had a warm baked cookie - totally delish, but definitely not health or scale friendly. Went home and went straight to bed! I awoke and did the standard routine of going to the bathroom, getting butt naked and getting on the scale. And the results were: 



wait for it 



drum roll please!!!


Yes ladies and gentlemen that is right so after my 2 weeks of disaster and last weekend that was a ehh at the most I got on the scale and it said 213!!!! I cried, I started my period today so I am crying at everything, but I did, I bawled like a little baby. 

So its 6 lbs, thats great, but why are crying you nut case? Well I am 2 lbs UNDER my lowest adult weight ever. Yes, I weight less now than I did when I was 17! And in addition to that I AM NO LONGER OBESE!!!!! Today I am only overweight and I am so excited! I feel like I just won an award, like Halle Berry when she was the first African American woman to win an Academy award. I have struggled with so much doubt and wondering if I can do it. I truly felt like I was going to weight 219 for the rest of my life and maybe that was it for me. Could I just be happy there. And after eating my emotions and feeling powerless and horrible. I now see that this is in my head. My biggest enemy is myself! I am in control of my life I make it what it will be. And I am not perfect, but now I have help, that sassy broad inside me won't take my abusive behavior of binging to feign and cover my emotions. I have you all who I can actually talk about my issues with and who are a great support! By the way thanks to those of you who did send some supportive comments. And I have myself, I am strong, honest, and hard working and as long as I use those things to help myself I can achieve whatever I set out to!!  

But, on a bit of a note, I am concerned that the scale was somehow lying to me. Where did those 6lbs go??? How can I weight 219 a week ago and have 4 bad days, and 3 OK days and have not excersized (grant it I have been working all weekend and I serve so I move around alot), not slept for a whole day, been stressed, and start my period (which almost always means a 3 lb bloat) and lose 6 lbs? Is my scale playing tricks on me? Am I going to reweigh and it back to 216?? I don't know but for now I am reveling in my success and going to ride the momentum. Maybe if I work hard I can actually make that 206 goal by next Friday and be right on target for my doctor's appointment! I really do love hearing him say I'm perfect!!! 

I Hope all you ladies have a marvelous day and enjoy your Tuesday!

First, I would like to say, look at what time it is: 5:43, 5:43! I am currently at The Ohio State Science and Engineering Library studying for this ridiculous Earth Science Exam I have at 12:30. I came in here with only 1 bag of sun chips and  my always consistent study companion of sugar free red bull.

Well, today I have gas, Some days my stomach just feels like it is so expanded, it hurts all day, I can burp all day and it just doesn't want to go away. I have a little bit of a lactose issue and when it flares - its painful, much more so now that I have my band, I think because it just adds a bit more pressure as my lower stomach is smaller??? I don't think the red bull was helpful either because of the carbonation. My god my belly hurts right now!!!

SO as I said I am studying and I will confess studying basically equals I'm stressed and my food is crack, emotional eater syndrome kicks in. Tonight I have had: 1 large bag of harvest cheese sun chips, a smaller bag of the salsa sun chips (the library has a vending machine which always gets me into trouble) and a 3 musketeer bar. SO not wonderful, but better than the bags of candy and gyro with fires and donuts I used to have (I wish I could say before I was banded, but that 2 weeks ago when I wrote 3 papers in 2 days I ate all that - in 3 days yes, but I did eat it). I do feel good I am taking baby steps but I recognize this as my vulnerable period and I'm taking steps to do better to pat myself on the back for that.

One more thing - I LOVE MY BAND SO FRIKKEN MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is why after two weeks of emotional h-e-l-l and binge eating and avoiding the scale I decided to such it up and weight myself this morning. And that thing said 216! I lost 3 pounds! I was sure I would have gained, but no and this is why I have fallen in love with that sassy little thing inside of me!

OK if I don't get back to studying I may never get trough the next 2 chapters I need to read for this damn exam!!!!!

I am in desperate need of new music, I haven't downloaded anything for like a year! There is something wrong with my I-tunes, for some reason I cannot connect to the I-tunes store! It says: iTunes could not connect to the iTUnes store. The network connection timed out. Make sure your network settings are correct and your network connection is active, then try again. Any suggestions?? I just some music :( Oh and I tried to play with one time and it told I had some sort of error I think it was like 11222 or something, it was only 1's and 2's  and it had me download this RegCure to "fix" it, but they want me to pay them money to repair it and I think its just a bogus way to get you to pay moneys so pa-lease help a girl out. I am so not a techy girl!

Bring on the rain!

This week has been a struggle, I am trying to reconnect with myself. I'm not sure when or how this happened but all of a sudden everything went hay wire and the strong confident woman I saw myself becoming was not good enough and I digressed to the sad and hopeless little girl that comes out and leads to my gaining of weight. But my handy little mama sitting inside me said "oh haill no!" (think angry baby mama here), and I just couldn't binge, couldn't give up and self  loathe, and thus gain weight (THANK YA JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!) But, I  still am trying to get out of the rut, why am I doing this??? I guess its time that I do something different, time to figure out what the hell is wrong with me, because food just 1) doesn't help and 2) isn't an option anymore. OK so I know the emotional bit with the ex getting married and my cutting off ties with my latest ex is having a toll on me, but I know its just something more.

So I know what your thinking, you big baby, what is it already?? I am a perfectionist and I have no patience and when things get bad I try to heal with food which  guess what, IT DOESN'T WORK!!!
I'm a perfectionist
It drives me bonkers when I do not feel totally confident with school. I MUST get an A in everything, I must be perfect, because I really want a good GPA so I can go to the right grad school - and if I fail, well, that is not except-able, and my world as I know it will come to an end (hello, I'm a nut!). Well guess what I have been really slacking off, and I'm tired, I'm tired of classes and studying and papers and exams and professors who think they are the smartest people in the world and loud freshmen in the library and skinner sorority bitches wearing leggings and 200 dollar T-shirts with uggs and a north face jacket who are only there for an MRS! I really need to graduate, so much that I was contemplating asking my adviser if I could just graduate this quarter and screw the double major double minor! It also bothers me when I do not eat perfectly and once I'm way off the wagon (e.g. right now) I feel like its useless the wagon has left me and I can't catch up.
I have no patience
So for all those who watch biggest loser, I think my problem is I have lost 65 pounds, 65 pounds! and worked my butt off (literally) for it, but I still have 60 more pounds to go and as hard as I have worked its only going to get harder and take longer, and I am afraid I can't do it. I'm afraid I will just weigh 219 for the rest of my life, and that is NOT good enough for me! But what if I am just a big girl and I will always be??? I'm really scared that I can't do it.
I watched Biggest Loser on Tuesday, and watched Micheal struggle. He has lost 200 pounds - wow, but he is still 325, still obese, still so much to lose. Its depressing, its like you are running a race and have been running for days and still there is not even the sight of the finish line! Am I ever going to see the finish line!!!!!!???

So that has been where I am and I am struggling to get over this bump in the road. But I definitely do recognize that I am eating emotions, and that its not working. I need to find a new way to deal with things. So that is what I am going to do. I think for now I am taking a break from trying so hard to lose weight. It will come, but for right now I need to take care of me.
I was watching Oprah yesterday and she had Geneen Roth on, the author of women, food, and god. It basically talks about women who try to use food and their food obsessions to cover up underlying pain and suffering. She talked about using the food obsession as a focus instead of really dealing with the issues. That is totally me right now. I am obsessing about food instead of dealing with my emotions and its only making it worse, making me more depressed, and causing me to not pull on forward!

Yesterday it was raining all day, as it has for the last two days and I thought to myself, this sucks, why does it have to just keep raining and raining and raining? And then I looked around. The grass is so green! Nature is so alive and beautiful right now! And all because it rained! Sometimes it has to rain for a while for things to thrive and grow and show their true beautiful potential! Right now I am going through the rain, but its all worth it because these are issues I have to overcome so I can reach my true beautiful potential. SO bring on the rain!

Well I have been really MIA lately - and so has my weight loss. I apologize, I think when things go wrong for me I kind of hermit up and don't want to talk to anyone and run away. Which doesn't work because it only makes me more depressed which continues my problems. I apologize in advance if this is a whiny blog, but this is kind of my only completely pure sense of release. I feel like crap, I'm kind of depressed, this is not an unusual thing for me, about once a year a get in a rut and it can take me weeks or even months to get out of it. This is usually when I gain all of my weight back - I fall down a slope until I've gained 10,20 ,30 lbs and then I just give up and get fatter and fatter and more and ashamed and depressed. Sometimes I am not sure if the depression makes me gain weight or I gain weight and then become depressed, they are so interconnected. Well, guess what! I weighed myself this morning as to try to get myself out of my rut and I DIDN'T GAIN 1 POUND! I am still at 219 - this is why I love my band! I can slip up emotionally, give up on my world momentarily, and when I finally have the energy to shoo away the haze, I wake up right where I was, not back several steps, which also helps me not get even more depressed and give up! Thank you band, you are my best pal!

SO what the hell was wrong with me this week?!:
So I had three papers in two days and I wasn't prepared, which totally put in survival mode, not sleeping and eating comfort foods because 1) that is my habit and 2) I am an emotional eater and eating those foods (in my mind) make me feel less anxious when I am totally freaking that I will ruin my GPA, my life etc. SO yea after those three days of extreme stress and lack of sleep I was drained, drained, drained. Plus I had eaten HORRIFYINGLY, I mean just candy and more candy and fast food and ice cream - oh it was a hot mess. Oh yeah, plus no exercise.

Personal Life
So I try not to even tell you all about my ridiculously, high school on again off again love affair with my ex. I mean we've seen each other for around 2 years now and 1.5 years has been on again off again. We are currently not together ( but I have a tendency to sleep there several nights a week - what can I say the flesh is weak and sleeping beside makes me feel warm, and safe, and wanted- that is baaad). Recently I have really started to realize that I do not want him to be my everything forever, we just don't fit, I want that heart skips a beat, you lose your breath at his sight, ground shaking, world changing love - and we will not ever be that. We are totally different people, with different ideals, different beginnings, different paths, and different destinations so I need to stop this nonsense and move on because I am just prolonging the pain. But I am really really bad at this. So I've been trying to go out, meet people, but I don't like it, I am not a 'fun girl' I am too serious to just have a good time, and quite frankly I am way more worried about being made fun of or doing something embarrassing so going out especially being around strangers is just really stressful for me. SO I am trying to work through this, its ok to be alone thing and that someday I will find my prince charming, but its really working on me.
NO Exercise all week!
So I didn't work out in the beginning of the week because I was busy with school, going out caused me to break my toe, so I didn't work out all week, which equals me feeling lousy, no endorphins to help me through my lows and in my head I was sure I had gained a million lbs since I was eating redonkulously
Mothers Day
I went home on Thursday to surprise my mom for mother's day, as she was leaving this weekend and I knew I wouldn't see her on the big day. Well I told my sister and we didn't make definite plans, so I thought we were going to have a quiet dinner at the house, but she made reservations at everyone's favorite restaurant in town, which also happens to be owned by my ex's (from high school, my first love) family. Which is typically no big deal I've been there before, I in fact am still close to them even if its a little awkward with his new fiance working there and my mom just loving her, its a very weird situation and I try to act like it doesn't bother me, but its weird. I don't want him, I am happy for him, but he is my first love ya know. Well his WHOLE family was there, his mom and grandma and everyone, so it was very nice seeing them, I love them so much and I got a little nostalgic. Sometimes, I think I loved his family more than I loved him so I do know we weren't meant to be together, but any who, so I was a little sad that I could never really be close with them again - it is just too awkward.

Emotional Meltdown
Well Sunday it happened I went into full blown psychosis!  So first of all on Saturaday I went to the ex's to stay the night and while he went to the bathroom I wasa snake and looked through his phone, and low and behold I find some outgoing texts with his ex girlfriend from the party he went to on Friday talking about them getting back together and how it won't happen because SHE doesn't think he is relationship material! I was fumed and felt lied to and betrayed ( you do not tell someone you have never loved a girl until them and then still have feelings for an ex) and so when he was asleep I collected my things and left.
So this happened and then on Sunday I realized that my first love's family was there because they were all leaving to go to his wedding! And I totally freaked! Out came the icing, ICING - this is bad bad bad. I cried and didn't understand it, I mean he can't get married, he's supposed to long for me for the rest of his life, I really am so self centered and selfish. I don't want to be with him, it will never work, but he cannot move on - delusional.

Lowest Adult Weight
I   think I am having some issues with the fact that I am now right around my lowest adult weight I have ever been (215), what happens then, can I really be smaller than that. Sometimes I don't think I can do it, like my body won't let me or its impossible, too much work! It makes me feel like I am working so hard for something impossible, I can't be small. I have internalized all those times I was told, Ohh well you are just big and maybe part of me still thinks its true, that I can't be small. I am afraid, afraid of what my life could be like as a skinny person, afraid that it will be the same, afraid that its an impossible goal and I am just going to be disappointed. I know that this is a mental thing, I am being my own bully - but I have not quite figured out how to tackle it, how to push through this emotional plateau, because I know if I don't fix this, well I will never surpass my weight plateau.

So yeah that was my week and I let myself spiral out of control, and worse of all I didn't write a blog and ask for help, because I know had I that you kind folks would do what you always do and be so supportive and reviving that I could have stopped this before it even started. I am still not 100%, but I am starting to feel better, I worked out yesterday, and kept the sugar to a lower level than the rest of the week. I am trying now to re-ween myself off the sugar, as detox is quite hard for this die-hard addict, but I just take one moment at a time, one day at a time, ya know as all addicts must do. I have my affirmations written by my bed and I say them every night before bed and every morning when I get up, they go something like this: I am happy, I am healthy, I am beautiful, I am respected, I can and will make healthy choices today, I can and will exercise today, I can and will control my cravings - yes I am a nut case, but some days I thinks its those affirmations that get me through the tough times so I keep doing them.
Sorry about the rambling and the legnth of this blog, and I appreciate any of you die-hards who actually read to the end :)


Hi Everyone!

I didn't disappear, (well I did, but only briefly and I'm back now so no worries) ... I had three papers due in 2 days and being the extreme procrastinator that I am didn't really start on anything (this includes reading the book for my book report and doing all the research for my research paper) until Sunday night. This week ha been a ball of stress and I then after Tuesday I had to check myself and have a little me time.

So after two straight days in the library and about 5 hours of sleep I decided it was time for some R and R of tacos and tequila! I had /1s a shrimp taco and then realized if I kept eating I was going to have to wait an hour to drink and being the socialite I am I went for the booze. Well lets just say between the margarias and the two, (yes two) bar stops I was definitely not so stressed anymore. It was a good time, I love just hanging out with my friends, and besides the margaritas, which by definition are just tequila and sugar all I drank was vodka and sugar free red bull and vodka soda's so it wasn't that bad. Oh except for the fact that I had ate basically nothing on Tuesday and had way more to drink than I can handle, seeing as I am a super light weight and am buzzing after 1 drink. So I get home and while I'm stumbling around my living room I run my foot into our automon and I broke my middle toe, its purple and swollen and tender and I have a bit of a limp. Its pathetic and I feel really guilty because it was my going too far that caused this and now my exercise regiment has to be way low key because I am injured.

Yea so between my toes and the fact that I stress ate all week I am officially up 3 pounds. So I guess its time I got back on the saddle, huh ladies?

P.S I'm going to try every so diligently to catch up on bloggs within the next two days


May WILL be my month! Its time to cut the bullshit, no more excuses, no more allowing myself to have an 'off'' day, no more saying:' ohh but I'm on my period, I need a bag of Reese's.' Its over, I am in control of my body and its time to start asserting that control. I have decided this will be MY month, I am not going to go all crazy and think I will get to ONEDERLAND, but I will be damned close, and I will make my 18lb loss goal for my doc's appointment on May 28th, so that means I will weigh 206 on that pesky dr.'s scale that day come hell or high water. That is going to be a whopping 13ish lbs this month, I'm up for the challenge and I am ready to kick some fat right out of my thighs!

How say you do I PLAN on accomplishing dais goal? Well, as a matter of fact I have a plan (go figure), and it goes something like this:
5/7 - 213
5/14 - 210
5/21 -208
5/28 - 206
So those are the mini goals, the hardest one will be the first, but that why I made it the first so I can take some of this momentum, my energy and use it the power for good! Now really, what am I going to do?? 3 meals, one of those will be a protein bar ( I'm thinking dinner as that is the time I usually start to stray), two snacks daily of high protein, healthy choices. Water, water, water! I will also watch my carb, not count them, not go crazy anal OCD person, just watch them! Also the salt must be kept in check, I am not going to miss my gola because of some darned water weight-oh hell no! And finally I will work out 5-6 times a week, 1 hour of cardio. This is upping my cardio by 30 mins for many days, but I know I need to really work hard to get these results, and I want this more than I want to be lazy, so its time to put up or shut up Beth!
Now there is that pesky little situation with my trouble times/ places. I know I have to recognize work as a hazard zone, I go there and I turn into a sugar vulture, as if I have been starvin and I just nibble, nibble, nibble on everything. SO how to stop that, I could say, well I just won;t do it, mind over matter right? WRONG, I should know by now that mind over matter doesn't work too well, if it did I would have been 160lbs and not needed banded. SO I am going to use the time old tradition of bribery! I have printed out a calendar and will be putting stars on it for every day I work that I do not eat one mousse, not one Reese's bits, no deserts, also I am including the lemonades we have as I have a tendency to go nuts with that, and the rice with soy. After 20 stickers, I am getting a prize (I know this is so juvenile, but I need some incentive) I will be buying myself a new purse!

That takes care of most everything, but I do have one issue I do not know how to deal with. How do control sugar cravings? And how do you keep yourself from binges? I will be a perfect bander all day and then eat 3 candy bars and screw everything up. When I am under the haze of a binge there is no stopping me, its scary and annoying because afterward I feel guilty, I feel dumb, like why did you just do that, it was totally unnecessary, but I still do. If I could just learn to control that I would be a changed woman, so if y'all have any suggestions I would greatly appreciate it!