Be who you are and say what you feel because those that care do not matter and those that matter do not care 
Dr. Suess

my ticker

my ticker

Well I have been really MIA lately - and so has my weight loss. I apologize, I think when things go wrong for me I kind of hermit up and don't want to talk to anyone and run away. Which doesn't work because it only makes me more depressed which continues my problems. I apologize in advance if this is a whiny blog, but this is kind of my only completely pure sense of release. I feel like crap, I'm kind of depressed, this is not an unusual thing for me, about once a year a get in a rut and it can take me weeks or even months to get out of it. This is usually when I gain all of my weight back - I fall down a slope until I've gained 10,20 ,30 lbs and then I just give up and get fatter and fatter and more and ashamed and depressed. Sometimes I am not sure if the depression makes me gain weight or I gain weight and then become depressed, they are so interconnected. Well, guess what! I weighed myself this morning as to try to get myself out of my rut and I DIDN'T GAIN 1 POUND! I am still at 219 - this is why I love my band! I can slip up emotionally, give up on my world momentarily, and when I finally have the energy to shoo away the haze, I wake up right where I was, not back several steps, which also helps me not get even more depressed and give up! Thank you band, you are my best pal!

SO what the hell was wrong with me this week?!:
So I had three papers in two days and I wasn't prepared, which totally put in survival mode, not sleeping and eating comfort foods because 1) that is my habit and 2) I am an emotional eater and eating those foods (in my mind) make me feel less anxious when I am totally freaking that I will ruin my GPA, my life etc. SO yea after those three days of extreme stress and lack of sleep I was drained, drained, drained. Plus I had eaten HORRIFYINGLY, I mean just candy and more candy and fast food and ice cream - oh it was a hot mess. Oh yeah, plus no exercise.

Personal Life
So I try not to even tell you all about my ridiculously, high school on again off again love affair with my ex. I mean we've seen each other for around 2 years now and 1.5 years has been on again off again. We are currently not together ( but I have a tendency to sleep there several nights a week - what can I say the flesh is weak and sleeping beside makes me feel warm, and safe, and wanted- that is baaad). Recently I have really started to realize that I do not want him to be my everything forever, we just don't fit, I want that heart skips a beat, you lose your breath at his sight, ground shaking, world changing love - and we will not ever be that. We are totally different people, with different ideals, different beginnings, different paths, and different destinations so I need to stop this nonsense and move on because I am just prolonging the pain. But I am really really bad at this. So I've been trying to go out, meet people, but I don't like it, I am not a 'fun girl' I am too serious to just have a good time, and quite frankly I am way more worried about being made fun of or doing something embarrassing so going out especially being around strangers is just really stressful for me. SO I am trying to work through this, its ok to be alone thing and that someday I will find my prince charming, but its really working on me.
NO Exercise all week!
So I didn't work out in the beginning of the week because I was busy with school, going out caused me to break my toe, so I didn't work out all week, which equals me feeling lousy, no endorphins to help me through my lows and in my head I was sure I had gained a million lbs since I was eating redonkulously
Mothers Day
I went home on Thursday to surprise my mom for mother's day, as she was leaving this weekend and I knew I wouldn't see her on the big day. Well I told my sister and we didn't make definite plans, so I thought we were going to have a quiet dinner at the house, but she made reservations at everyone's favorite restaurant in town, which also happens to be owned by my ex's (from high school, my first love) family. Which is typically no big deal I've been there before, I in fact am still close to them even if its a little awkward with his new fiance working there and my mom just loving her, its a very weird situation and I try to act like it doesn't bother me, but its weird. I don't want him, I am happy for him, but he is my first love ya know. Well his WHOLE family was there, his mom and grandma and everyone, so it was very nice seeing them, I love them so much and I got a little nostalgic. Sometimes, I think I loved his family more than I loved him so I do know we weren't meant to be together, but any who, so I was a little sad that I could never really be close with them again - it is just too awkward.

Emotional Meltdown
Well Sunday it happened I went into full blown psychosis!  So first of all on Saturaday I went to the ex's to stay the night and while he went to the bathroom I wasa snake and looked through his phone, and low and behold I find some outgoing texts with his ex girlfriend from the party he went to on Friday talking about them getting back together and how it won't happen because SHE doesn't think he is relationship material! I was fumed and felt lied to and betrayed ( you do not tell someone you have never loved a girl until them and then still have feelings for an ex) and so when he was asleep I collected my things and left.
So this happened and then on Sunday I realized that my first love's family was there because they were all leaving to go to his wedding! And I totally freaked! Out came the icing, ICING - this is bad bad bad. I cried and didn't understand it, I mean he can't get married, he's supposed to long for me for the rest of his life, I really am so self centered and selfish. I don't want to be with him, it will never work, but he cannot move on - delusional.

Lowest Adult Weight
I   think I am having some issues with the fact that I am now right around my lowest adult weight I have ever been (215), what happens then, can I really be smaller than that. Sometimes I don't think I can do it, like my body won't let me or its impossible, too much work! It makes me feel like I am working so hard for something impossible, I can't be small. I have internalized all those times I was told, Ohh well you are just big and maybe part of me still thinks its true, that I can't be small. I am afraid, afraid of what my life could be like as a skinny person, afraid that it will be the same, afraid that its an impossible goal and I am just going to be disappointed. I know that this is a mental thing, I am being my own bully - but I have not quite figured out how to tackle it, how to push through this emotional plateau, because I know if I don't fix this, well I will never surpass my weight plateau.

So yeah that was my week and I let myself spiral out of control, and worse of all I didn't write a blog and ask for help, because I know had I that you kind folks would do what you always do and be so supportive and reviving that I could have stopped this before it even started. I am still not 100%, but I am starting to feel better, I worked out yesterday, and kept the sugar to a lower level than the rest of the week. I am trying now to re-ween myself off the sugar, as detox is quite hard for this die-hard addict, but I just take one moment at a time, one day at a time, ya know as all addicts must do. I have my affirmations written by my bed and I say them every night before bed and every morning when I get up, they go something like this: I am happy, I am healthy, I am beautiful, I am respected, I can and will make healthy choices today, I can and will exercise today, I can and will control my cravings - yes I am a nut case, but some days I thinks its those affirmations that get me through the tough times so I keep doing them.
Sorry about the rambling and the legnth of this blog, and I appreciate any of you die-hards who actually read to the end :)



SuperMegaAnna said...

Hugs to you! I know how hard it can been when things in life are tough. I myself have been going through some emotional crap and have been eating terrible. I still find comfort in food... and think I always will. The key is getting back to the rules after you stray.

Good luck!

Maria said...

Awww, girl! Lots of hugs to you for a tough week. It's good to know I'm not the only sugar-addict out there.

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