Be who you are and say what you feel because those that care do not matter and those that matter do not care 
Dr. Suess

my ticker

my ticker

Bring on the rain!

This week has been a struggle, I am trying to reconnect with myself. I'm not sure when or how this happened but all of a sudden everything went hay wire and the strong confident woman I saw myself becoming was not good enough and I digressed to the sad and hopeless little girl that comes out and leads to my gaining of weight. But my handy little mama sitting inside me said "oh haill no!" (think angry baby mama here), and I just couldn't binge, couldn't give up and self  loathe, and thus gain weight (THANK YA JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!) But, I  still am trying to get out of the rut, why am I doing this??? I guess its time that I do something different, time to figure out what the hell is wrong with me, because food just 1) doesn't help and 2) isn't an option anymore. OK so I know the emotional bit with the ex getting married and my cutting off ties with my latest ex is having a toll on me, but I know its just something more.

So I know what your thinking, you big baby, what is it already?? I am a perfectionist and I have no patience and when things get bad I try to heal with food which  guess what, IT DOESN'T WORK!!!
I'm a perfectionist
It drives me bonkers when I do not feel totally confident with school. I MUST get an A in everything, I must be perfect, because I really want a good GPA so I can go to the right grad school - and if I fail, well, that is not except-able, and my world as I know it will come to an end (hello, I'm a nut!). Well guess what I have been really slacking off, and I'm tired, I'm tired of classes and studying and papers and exams and professors who think they are the smartest people in the world and loud freshmen in the library and skinner sorority bitches wearing leggings and 200 dollar T-shirts with uggs and a north face jacket who are only there for an MRS! I really need to graduate, so much that I was contemplating asking my adviser if I could just graduate this quarter and screw the double major double minor! It also bothers me when I do not eat perfectly and once I'm way off the wagon (e.g. right now) I feel like its useless the wagon has left me and I can't catch up.
I have no patience
So for all those who watch biggest loser, I think my problem is I have lost 65 pounds, 65 pounds! and worked my butt off (literally) for it, but I still have 60 more pounds to go and as hard as I have worked its only going to get harder and take longer, and I am afraid I can't do it. I'm afraid I will just weigh 219 for the rest of my life, and that is NOT good enough for me! But what if I am just a big girl and I will always be??? I'm really scared that I can't do it.
I watched Biggest Loser on Tuesday, and watched Micheal struggle. He has lost 200 pounds - wow, but he is still 325, still obese, still so much to lose. Its depressing, its like you are running a race and have been running for days and still there is not even the sight of the finish line! Am I ever going to see the finish line!!!!!!???

So that has been where I am and I am struggling to get over this bump in the road. But I definitely do recognize that I am eating emotions, and that its not working. I need to find a new way to deal with things. So that is what I am going to do. I think for now I am taking a break from trying so hard to lose weight. It will come, but for right now I need to take care of me.
I was watching Oprah yesterday and she had Geneen Roth on, the author of women, food, and god. It basically talks about women who try to use food and their food obsessions to cover up underlying pain and suffering. She talked about using the food obsession as a focus instead of really dealing with the issues. That is totally me right now. I am obsessing about food instead of dealing with my emotions and its only making it worse, making me more depressed, and causing me to not pull on forward!

Yesterday it was raining all day, as it has for the last two days and I thought to myself, this sucks, why does it have to just keep raining and raining and raining? And then I looked around. The grass is so green! Nature is so alive and beautiful right now! And all because it rained! Sometimes it has to rain for a while for things to thrive and grow and show their true beautiful potential! Right now I am going through the rain, but its all worth it because these are issues I have to overcome so I can reach my true beautiful potential. SO bring on the rain!


Nella said...

You were 285LBS! Look at you now!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You are in a funk. Get up, shake off the crap and start a new day! You will get will!

Girl Bandit said...

You have done so well ...focus on the posititives and the rest will come. We have to break out of those binge cycles and get on track quicker...easier said than done but you can do it

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