Be who you are and say what you feel because those that care do not matter and those that matter do not care 
Dr. Suess

my ticker

my ticker

This is really bothering me and please tell me your opinion on the whole thing, and you don't have to be nice about it I need some "Get Real" talk.

So several bloggers have been talking about how their new bodies are changing how men see them and they are having issues with their partners because they were not ready for all that that entails. That men look at them with wanton eyes ( I just love that Victorian word by the way)  and how sexy they feel etc. And in all honesty I am really jealous! I feel bad for all of you as I know its causing serious issues with your partners, but right now I am being selfish and the truth is it is bothering me that I am NOT getting that attention.

First off I hate being single. Perhaps its my fatty mentality but once I am single I know I have all these issues that I have to work out before I can move on to another relationship and I also know it will take me a while to find a decent man. I do not know how some of you ladies do it, or what is wrong with me that I do not get it, but so many of you talk about how you have never had trouble finding a boyfriend and that weight has not kept you from good relationships, but for me it most definitely has (either that or men just don't find me attractive in general :S). I would go out and get hit on sure, but not by 'normal' men, I would only get hit on by old men or how can I say this politely "urban" men, (this is one reason I really hate my big ass, wrong kind of attention). Now I may sound terrible right now, but when I mean old, I am not talking about like 30's old, I am talking about senior citizens, last year a man that was easily my GRANDPA'S age asked to buy me a drink, I am 22 years old, this does not boost ones ego. And as for the urban thing, I am not being judgmental as much as I just feel I am college educated and I do not want to date a man who thinks a proper way of asking a girl out is yelling across the parking lot "You's sexy." Can you blame me?

Well anyway, now that I feel like a hateful bi-atch I will continue with this. As I continue this journey I am starting to feel confident, I look good, possibly the best I have ever looked, even though I know I still have a long ways to go. Everybody is coming up to me and saying how good I look and even guys that I haven't seen in awhile are like you look so good, you are half a person now. A good guy friend of mine told me yesterday, the guys were all talking and you have such a beautiful face. STILL!!!??? STILL I have a beautiful face! When am I just going to be beautiful??

It just bothers me because I want that verification from my male peers that I am attractive, I want to be hit on, and I just do not get it. Yesterday I went out with my old room mate, she is beautiful, tiny shapely Colombian, exotic and I remember how much I hated going out with her when I was really big because I was invisible next to her. It wasn't her fault but it is wearing on ya when you go out and everyone is all over your friends and you are the funny one that everyone loves to talk to, but always go home alone.  SO anyway we go to lunch and her friend meets us there, he's cute, newly single guy and same old shit happens. She wants nothing to do with him, he's not her type, but he flirts with her, he touches her, he makes it obvious that he wants her, and who could blame him. But I am fun and interesting to talk to, great friend material, but in the end nothing more than that. It just really bothers me. my biggest fear is that even after I lose 50 more pounds that it will still be the same, what is wrong with me ???

Oh but before all that happened I was feeling really hot! I fit in my 14/15 juniors jean I bought 2 years ago and took pictures so here they are :


tessierose said...

Well Beth, I'm old enough to be your Mother, so I'm going to tell you like a Mother would. First of all, you look great. Secondly, confidence is the most attractive thing about a woman to a man. When a woman knows she looks good, feels shows and it's very appealing. When a woman needs to be validated by a man, it reads as needy and less than confident. The best thing you can do for your love life is to appreciate yourself for all that you are worth. When you become comfortable in your skin at any size, you will find that men will respond. Enough of the Motherly advice...good luck, you really do look great.

Jenny said...

Maybe without realizing it, you're giving off a vibe. I agree wtih Tess that you need to find it within yourself before anyone else will think you're beautiful. You look great-but no matter how many people tell you that if you don't think so too it won't matter.

amandakiska said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
amandakiska said...

Beth, You look great. I agree with the previous comments. I also think it is easier to meet the "right" kind of men in situations other than bars. Doing volunteer work for a cause that is important to you and attending church/mosque/synogauge, etc. are much better environments for meeting someone who shares your values. Other places might be activity classes (i.e. dog training, fly fishing, co-ed volleyball). Keep working on you and a relationship will come!

Lindsay said...

Your darling!!! I agree with all the previous comments too!!!

-Grace- said...

You know what? You are beautiful!

I definitely agree that confidence is often the most attractive trait a person can have. However, it will not appear magically overnight so in the meantime you need to fake it til you make it! Eventually you will believe it. I'm still working on it myself. :)

-Grace- said...

Oh! And Amanda is totally right. I met my partner through various student groups in college. We just celebrated our 3 year anniversary. Since someone is at a group with a cause you are interested in you already know you have something in common and you avoid the less than savory folks in bars.

Em said...

Sorry I have to agree with the others. It's all about the vibe you give out. I was guilty of putting out the friend only vibe for years and it's a hard thing to change. You have to believe in yourself!

Oh and you're flipping gorgeous - no doubt about that!

Em :)

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