Be who you are and say what you feel because those that care do not matter and those that matter do not care 
Dr. Suess

my ticker

my ticker

So today I am starting to fell back to being 100% me, the happy, healthy me. Ya know know the one who can decide if she wants to eat some chocolate and who works out, and who knows she will make every day a step towards my goal weight. Yea finally she decided to wake up. No more moping,  no more questioning my ability to have what I want, its time to just do - not think!

I have realized how very shitty eating bad makes me feel. When I eat junk, I feel like junk and it makes me depressed and lazy and unproductive. So there ya go another reason why I need to step away from the chocolate! Also I went about two weeks from working out and ya  know that may, OK I know it contributed to my gloominess. I need endorphins, I love endorphins, they are my friend!!! I worked out today, I ran - tried to do the 2mins @ 4.5 2 @ 6.3, I did that for the first 16 mins and then I walked at 4.5 for the remaining 14 mins. My body ached, my chest hurt, and I LOVED EVERY FREAKING MINUTE OF IT!!! I love to exercize it makes me feel empowered, like I can do anything b/c I am a calorie burning machine.

Friday I have an appointment with my doc. I think I need just a smidgent of a fill. My restriction at meals is perfect, but I get hungry very soon after, so I need just that little bit to take the edge off (did I just equivalate hunger to the same coming down feeling an addict gets??) I am not too excited to see my docta man, as I have not been quite the good little bandster the months of April and May, so where the doc wants me to be at around 206 when I get there I am hoping for 213, which is a decent number, but its no 2 lb a week loss. So what does this mean? This means I am going to have this fellow bandster doc who knows all ( and he does) ask me why I didn't do so good and I am going to have to tell him how I have been eating Reese's like its my job and he's will be disappointed and I will have to learn my lesson. In my head I am imaging an episode of Full House, and I am not looking forward to it. It was so nice to hear, "well congratulations, you are perfect" last time. But I just have to face the scale and my doctor. I love him, he really helps alot, but he's one tough cookie.

On a brighter note, I went to Target on Monday - I did some serious damage! I went to find a cord for my iPOD and never even made it to the electronics. I get lost in clothes land. I had to buy a dress for my cousins wedding next Saturday, and so in looking for that I ended up buying 5 dresses and a pair of shorts. The dress sized varied from L to guess what a medium! I have never worn a medium dress, and I still have a problem with it. Like I am afraid they don't actually look good on me and I am just having a brief moment of RBDS (reversed body dysmorphic syndrome). I just have that fear that I look like that fat girl who thinks she's hot and wears things that look ohh so bad on her. I am very afraid of being that girl. But now I recognize the fear and I still do check every persons face as I walk by them and I can say I do not see that look I once saw sometimes. Am I really starting to look normal??? My god I hope so. I also did something I have never done. I bought a pair of shorts! I do not wear shorts, not with my thighs. But I bought a pair of 14 shorts, I also have never worn a 14 anything so its time to start doing things I have never done right? I cannot wear them yet, they fit me, but they are too tight for public but very shortly I will be a person who wears shorts in public and I am excited. Also once they fit I think I will be buying like 5 pair because I am ready to show off my legs and be proud of them!!

OK well that all I have for ya folks, I'll let ya know how the fill appointment goes on Friday!

7 comments:

Nella said...

Wow a MEdium...I can't wait!

Janelle said...

I live in shorts.. can't live without them! Sounds like you are doing really good, size 14 and a medium... nice!

Beth said...

medium up top, 14 on the bottom ... can someone say I'm a little bottom heavy or what! ha ha

amandakiska said...

You are so not the fat girl who thinks she looks hot! You are the skinny girl whi IS hot!

Lindsay said...

So fun!!! Sounds like some great finds at target :)

Monica said...

Shadys back...tell a friend...

LOL Whats a fill? This post was funny and all I can say is...

YOU GO GIRL! ! !

Beth said...

I have a lap band, so a fill is when the doctor adds salene to my band and that makes me have restriction, which helps me to eat less and get hungry less

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