Be who you are and say what you feel because those that care do not matter and those that matter do not care 
Dr. Suess

my ticker

my ticker

Sometimes I just smile

OK, well I just tried to embed a video, Just the way you are by Bruno Marz. I'm not sure if it will show up, but hopefully it will. I have deemed this to my theme song, I guess you could say that I have found myself, I am so incredibly HAPPY with me, where I am who I am, how I look, how I feel. I really couldn't ask to be anything different. I am honestly taken aback by this, I never even imagined that I could ever love myself and be comfortable with who I was, there was always a little voice in my head that was telling me that I would ALWAYS feel like I wasn't good enough. Now I realize that this is not true, buuutttt I also realize that this is not a weight issue. I have been small or normal for a while now, and I didn't realize it. And I have always been funny and fun and vivacious, I have always had the potential to be who I am now - the problem was I wouldn't let myself! But pandora's box has been opened (and many of you incredible women may have had a hand in it from your comments and Chicago) and there is no turning back now, I know who I am and I like it, there is no better feeling than that. I can look in the mirror and even if I dont look so good, no makeup or terrible hair, I like who I see, which is so0o much more important than liking what you see. I have done it, and whether I ever reach 160 pounds, it doesn't matter I look and feel perfect right here everything else is just icing on the cake!!

So on to the reason for the title, I have found that now I just smile, there are a myriad of daily activities that I do that just make me smile, I am so proud of myself and I recognize it. So I thought I would go all bullet point style of all the things that now make me smile.

  • When I wake up in the morning and feel my hip bones and ribs
  • When I go to the dresser to find a pair of pants and know that they will all fit
  • When I go into my laundry room and see the Kilamenjaro size mountain of clothes that no longer fit me
  • When I work out with my trainer and look at my thighs and realiz how small they are!!!
  • When I go to class and I see guys checking me out
  • When I walk into a room and know that I am not the biggest girl there - not by a long shot
  • When I look in the mirror and recognize that I am beautiful
  • When I can walk down the street with my head up and see people checking me out
  • When I can walk through campus eating a cup of icecream and not care that people are watching me eat
  • When I go to a party and guys hit on me
  • When I see people I haven't seen in a while and they tell me how great I look
  • When people ask me how much weight I have lost, and I just answer with alot, because saying 100 pounds just feels too boastful
  • Evertime I go to work and someone tells me I look smaller
  • When I can go to a store/ restaurant and just say no to desert
  • When I go and have a desert and feel absolutely NO guilt
  • When I walk walk around the house in just a towel and it completely covers me
  • When I wear heels and my feet dont hurt so bad I want to die within 5 mins
  • When I sit with my legs up together and I see a little space between my thighs
  • Whenever I can!!!!!!!
I am positively certain that I have never been happier in my life and I am certain that things are only going to get better and better!! Its mind blowing that I am who I am right now, considering less than two years ago I felt that life was just a black whole that I was being sucked into. Now this is not to say that I do not have bad days, there are days when I get pissed at myself that I am STILL stuck teeter tottering the 189-191 range, but that, I have learned doesnt matter as much as how I feel - I am not a number! And I wish that everyone of you - no every woman has the chance to feel like this!!!!!!!!