Be who you are and say what you feel because those that care do not matter and those that matter do not care 
Dr. Suess

my ticker

my ticker

First of all thankyou to all you WOMDERFUL ladies who commented on my updated before and now pics; you are all the most supportive and amazing FAMILY of women!!!

Second of all this is about to be a very deep (hopefully not too depressing) post so be warned!

I would just like to start this post out by saying, I may sound depressed, but I am really not - I think I am just ready to start my next phase of this process - the important phase. Now I am ready to become the woman I have always wanted to be when before I was ready to be the weight of the woman I had always wanted to be. So what is this whole thing about. Well, at 285 pounds I may have done something most people say they didn't do - I think (OK I know) I told myself that "if I was skinny ___________ would not be this way." Yes, I was that girl. The reason I was not in love, had few friends, was a slob (which sadly I was), I felt my family did not love and except me, I did not love and except me, was because I was obese. Well, miss thang wake up, because you are not obese anymore, you are almost not even overweight technically (even tho I would definately NOT call myself overweight, but Im talking medical here) and guess what a lot of those things are still here. I am on my way to goal, I am the thinnest I have ever been as an adult and now I can't use my weight as the reason that I am not, well happy. This is not to say that my life is terrible, but now I am ready and I want more. I used to think that losing weight was the be all end all - it would solve all my problems, but now I realize it doesn't now I have to solve all my problems! Wow - that is crazy.

Who I am in the real world and who I am in the blog world are much much different. Here I feel I am much closer to my true self, I have the comfort of my computer to let me be me and not feel the pressure, plus if I say anything that I feel I could be judged on, I can just delete or edit my post to reflect what I truly want to say. In the real world I am very very guarded. What I think is that I have just had waaaayy to many people hurt my feelings or tease me or treat me bad (as it IS easier to pick on the fat kid) so I just keep to myself. But the extent of my anti-social behavior is more offensive than defensive. I have a tendency to be abrasive and I push people away. I am very high strung around people and I tend to look for every flaw in them ( I guess to be prepared if they are mean to me, I don't know). I am not sure when this terrible attitude problem started, but what I do know is that I have used it for a very long time to keep people away from me and keep them from hurting me - and sadly I have succeeded. People can feel the energy I put out, I have been called intimidating, wound tight, bitchy, scarey, the list can go on and on.

I am a control freak. I feel the need to prove that I am amazing, I have a long strung out array of majors and minors, I have to look good, I have to have more, do more, be more. Its all about being better and being in control. In control of situations, in control of relationships, in control of my life. I cannot handle embarassment, it kills me when I do something that makes me look stupid, I will literally go over it over and over in my mind trying to decide if other people even think about it still or not (how devastated should I be) and I will go over the same embarassing happening for years!  so I am rigid.  I try to avoid any and all experiences that will make me look like an idiot - I know pathetic.

I have had a huge issue about feeling wanted, I have not really ever felt wanted. I thought my family didn't want me, I felt that many people in school didn't want me, and every person I meet I think in the back of my head, I wonder what they want from me and how long it will be before they show that they do not want me. But now that I look at it, I really think that the real person who never excepted me was me. I decided before I would even meet someone that they would not like me, back then because I was fat, and now, well I dont know why - yet. I decided that my family did not love or except me, that they couldnt unless I was thin, I see how much they do love me now and how much they would have loved me before if it wasn't for the fact that I pushed them ALL away, I would not speak to anyone, and if I did it was with a very nasty attitude. I decided that I was unlovable, and since then I have not let anyone love me. Yet all I have ever wanted was to feel loved and wanted. Why, do I stop myself from what I have always wanted?? I do not know -yet.

I am to the point where I no longer want to be that person. I don't want to be angry, I don't want to be negative. I do not want to look for every flaw in a person just to make myself feel better, feel equal. I want to be open, happy, uplifting, inviting, and most of all I want to be free. I don't know when I started to entrap myself or what it is that I have barried that I have been protecting myself from, but I am ready to move on, to have more than acquaintances - to have true full friendships, to have realtionships with my family, and to fall in love. I am ready to trust people and love people and open my heart again. This I know will be much harder than losing weight, that is just math - eat less work out more; but this is a matter of the mind and the heart, and with that there is no equation to fixing. But what I do realize is that I want a wonderful, amazing, happy, full life and to get to that castle I have to swim across the mote - I got my suit on and the goggles, guess its about time I just jumped in ya know??

6 comments:

DiZneDiVa said...

I love this post... years ago, when I moved to Florida, I tried re-inventing myself because I was very much like you are describing... proving myself in some many ways so people didn't dwell on my lack of fitness... Is that the politically correct term? Anyway, I was a stone cold bitch. It is a hard habit to break. Your family is a good place to start... I know that I for one, see what an amazing person you are inside and out and I am proud to call you my friend. You are incredible! I got a hug with your name on it in Chicago... We will reinvent ourselves together... We have thru the safety of our blogs. *Maria*

Liz - Lizzle - Libby Lou said...

Aw sweet girl! *hugs* I feel you 100%. I was EXACTLY like you about a year and a half ago. Just before I had my surgery. I pushed everyone away, I wasn't good enough, I was a perfectionist. Nobody has said such nasty things to me, as I said to my own self in my hand! It is a horrible place to be in. You are right, you have succeeded and I am glad you realize things need to change with yourself (not weight) in order for you to find happiness.

I too said "If I wasn't fat I'd _____" but you know what, it HAS worked out for me that way. I have pushed my limits, talked to strangers, flirted w/ men, felt deserving of love, done more physical activities, been more adventerous and LESS controlling. Losing the weight really has changed my life totally BUT I think the key factor is that once I began losing the weight, my confidence grew and I felt "secure" enough to take a chance, whether success or failure was in the end. The important key to me was TRYING b/c I'd always been too big of a puss to even try before. So this go around, I've tried new things and I will tell you, 9 out of 10 new things I've done or tried have been BEYOND AWESOME! So, try that. Try some new things you want to do and just FEEL brave and know that it is a stepping stone in your process to get to where you want to be.

In my humble opinion, I think you told yourself nobody wanted you, you weren't good enough, etc b/c that is how you feel about yourself. You don't think you are good enough for you. That comes from a STRONG self hatred and I'm sorry if you still feel any part of that. Maybe you don't think you DESERVE it; it being love, happiness, or acceptance. So if that touches home with you, I suggest you talking to yourself (in your head) and saying this:

"I am AWESOME! I deserve love! I deserve happiness because I am great. I am strong, I've worked hard, I will continue to work, to perservere! I deserve it!!!" :D *love*

Liz - Lizzle - Libby Lou said...

See the video, read the blog!

http://jezebel.com/5618628/the-sad-messages-of-weight-loss-ads

AmeyinIdaho said...

WOW!!! This really hit home...HARD!! I am the same way...I am told I'm intimidating, abrasive, and rude and I am an anal control freak. And I don't want to be like that, at least not all the time ;) This is truly a journey of the body, mind, and soul. I'm not sure how to 'fix' me...yet...but reading blogs like yours and putting my own feelings into words helps. Thank you for sharing this, it feels good to know I'm not alone!!

Blossom said...

That's all very insighful. It can be really hard to take the spotlight and put it on yourself as you have done, illuminating all your flaws. It sounds like the first step may be just to let your walls down a bit. If you feel this way, do a bit of what Liz has done and step out of your comfort zone. Either way, based on the person I know you are, you're a great person! Sometimes the one we're hardest on is ourselves (okay I'm out of catchy phrases lol). have a great day!

Brooke said...

My fatness kept people away, too. My fat persona was the happy, zany fat girl. If you ask any of my second tier friends (there's the inner circle who REALLY know me, and then the rest!) I am FUNNY. Oh man, do I make people laugh! Ha-ha-ha. My specialty is bringing hypocricy to attention and pointing out the silliness of beaureacracy. Lucky for me I work in gov't, it gives me endless opportunities to make people chuckle. And keep them at arm's length.

I guess a long time ago I figured out that the role that best served my interests (kept me safe and removed from it all, de-emphasized my fatness and let me be around people at the same time) was to be the smart clown.

And even though all those wise ass observations are mine and are me, wearing my fat girl mask got exhausting. So I have been intentionally not doing the chubby girl shuck and jive and trying not to go out of my way to make other people happy. But man, it's hard to do a 180 and approach social interaction differently when you're so entrenched in doing what you always did.

The funny thing is, your fat girl mask of the bitchy, controlling girl. My fat girl mask was the jolly fat clown. Neither of us are those people. But we did it for the same reasons- to keep people from hurting us.

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