Be who you are and say what you feel because those that care do not matter and those that matter do not care 
Dr. Suess

my ticker

my ticker

Ok, so you want drama, Ill give you all my drama. The fact of the matter is this is the only place sometimes that I can put my problems out there and know that Im not going to be judged and I can be completely honest, you all know I do (well I used to as I have dissappeared) blog therapy alot, because I feel I HAVE to be strong to the real world, I have to be the best, the smartest, the coolest, and NEVER let anyone see me hurt. Its really really really hard sometimes and well thats why I used to shut most people out of my life, because I felt like I failed from the get go, so to avoid that failure I would just put myself out of the situation. Well as I said in my last post I am putting myself out there and trying to learn who I am regardless of if I fall flat on my face.

...well I feel like that is what I am doing right now, falling FLAT on my face - and guess what it really sucks, I don't like it, I don't like feeling out of control and rejected and all those things, it just brings me back to square one for a period, I may as well be 285 pounds right now if that makes any sence. And sadly how am I medicating these feelings?? Well I have tried several things so I will give me that, one is I have been trying to distract myself from the situation ya know going out with my friends as much as possible - not helping, then I had a one on one talk with my ex who really can be helpful and like a very close friend as he knows me much better than most people - still not better, and I have also tried to work out like a crazy person to pump endorphines in me and fix it, but still to no avail I am freaking and guess whats beside me right now,   a pint of pumpkin ice cream and empty king sized reeses and a mini box of sandies cookies - I am using food, I gave in and I know that its more than likely not going to help either so why do I end up going to it??

I guess I need to explain what the hell is wrong with me. . . .

So about 5 or so weeks ago I went to a party with a friend and there were alot of people I had known prior to beth's big dissappearence (aka I got really fat and didnt want ANYONE to see me) well I met this guy. This is how my friend explains it, she watched us interact with eachother then looked at him and thought hmm she looked at me and thought hmmm ... the next thing we were both pulling her to the side to talk about each other. We clicked instantly, he would start a story and I would know the ending, we danced and talked all night and we had soo0o0o much in common. He has graduated with a buisness and spanish degree I am an international studies and spanish major, we have similar interests, he is very active as I am, he loves to travel and you all know how much I want to see the world, he wants to go to Spain to teach English for a year, I teach english at a community center here. And we made out and it was obvious we have a very good physical connection!!

So I texted him the next week and said we should hang out sometime and he responds yea lets hang out this weekend. We do and its the same we talk, we dance, we make out! And I tell him he needs to take me out on a date that week - I mean this is not beth this is super beth, old beth used to be waaayy too scared of rejection to do something like that!! We go to the movies, he pays for the tickets but we literally go to the movie and leave with like no time to talk so needless to say I was a bit dissappointed. but when we left he kissed me and told me he was going to be out of town that weekend and not to do anything he wouldnt do (which I took as a dont be crazy without me or whatever - you know what that means)

My drunk ass calls him and talks to him on Friday and then I go to a party that our mutual friend has and well one guy gives everyone a nickname, and M's is Pollo and soon they start calling me Polla like pretty much coupling us up and I didnt want that, I didnt want to rush into things ya know!!
I also hear that they are all talking about us outside of when we are together like its really a big deal I mean we just have a rediculous connection I guess and as my friend says everyone can see it.

Well M has one big problem he acts like he is ALL about me when we are together and even in front of his friends acts like we are together, but he NEVER texts me first, he never does anything and it was starting to bother me by that point. So that was the week of Halloween and I just didnt text him because I dont want to be needy or let him know that Im strung out and hes got me.

Halloween beth downs a good third of a bottle of tequila with no dinner ( I tried to have some steak stirfry and it didnt work out). I got hammered. when M shows up I try to act like I didnt see him and ignore him and he comes up to me and is like, "oh so now you are gonna act like you dont me??",and procedes to give me a hug and a kiss in front of everyone!!! and asks me why we havent seen each other for a week and a half. .... WTF??!!! So needless to say not too long after that I hang out with the porcelain gods for umm .... 2 hours until they force me to go to the living room because apparently people need to pee. So I am being fed water and people are trying to force me to be sich while I spout off rediculous shit that I am too embarassed to say and giving M a really really hard time like telling him his spanish has nothing on mine and spouting off curse words in spanish, I mean really I was just crazy and M says, this is why I love this girl, she is wasted and is still talking shit - see he totally gets me, he loves that Im sassy and appreciates it even. Then once Im not such a shit show I force my friend to leave cause I feel bad that she is taking care of me and then M stays on a futon with me, makes out with me for several hours after I had vommed no less, tells me that since im 4 times drunker than he that we shouldnt do anything and cuddles with me all night!!

That week I asked him to dinner, he goes and honestly it was good, we have good conversation and the kiss goodnight was hot!!

Friday he even texted me asking what I was doing and asked me to a soccer game the next day or at least to go with out group of friends, but I had to work and we were going to meet up that night, i sent him 2 text messages and a voicemail with no answer and early in the morning he says he fell asleep early. I dont see him all weekend and my feelings are honestly hurt. On sunday I ask him what he is doing cause I am sick of studying and wanted a distraction and he says he has plans and blows me off. I delete his number. Not because im mad, but because I needed to take away the possiblity of texting him.

Finally I brake down on Wednesday and see if hes going to this party he says not until really late so I decide im not going to go. Then when he is on his way he asks if Im going and I decided (NOTE: this is when it gets real embarassinng so please dont judge too much and dont make me feel worse than I already do ok) that I just wanted it so I told him I wasnt going to go unless I could take him home with me after. He says yes, I go over. He talks to his friends saying how beautiful I am and acts like we are together with his arms around me and even calls me his girl to his friends. We start talking and he says, "I know you want more from me, you want to hang out more but there's a method to my madness. You want the wedding and I cant give that to you Im going to Spain and I dont want any strings attached." OK so can we say mixed signals??? In the car ride he tells me I better be cool because if something happens and I end up having one of his kids .... really why would you say that?? He tells me things like he is mad because he likes me so much, but then tells me he went to dinner with my sister, basically someone he is working with right now who apparently acts just like me.

Well anyway we go to my place and start messing around and long story short when I go to get the safety devices ... about 5 mins of making out after - not having used them at all yet he says its really late and we should go to sleep. !!!??? I just basically told you I was going to give it to you and you want to go to sleep?? So in the morning I am seriously frustrated ... sexually frustrated I mean and I try to initiate it again we make out and stuff and then he tries to tell me to go down there and "wake him up" which ohhh hell no!! so it takes me awhile to even want to do anything after that but by that point I am just so um well ya know revved up that I didnt really care, and I gp to touch him and then I realize the boy is not turned on if you know what 'i mean!! ( this is really embarassing and bad) so he says hes just really hung over and he holds me and we go back to sleep. When we wake up I tell him that Im mad at him and how everyone thinks we did it an we didnt and everything Im thinking, as that is how I am - he tells me you had halloween I had last night, now we are even. I take him back to his car he asks me what im doing that weekend and and kisses me goodbye. He sent me a text later that day saying he didnt get to go back to sleep. And I have not heard from him since.

So I feel utterly rejected and I am really sensitive about my body as it is not what a 22 year old body should look like, I have loose skin and stretchmarks and serious damage, and so part of me keeps telling myself that he had a malfunction due to that, that he is just not attracted to me. I feel really rejected and stupid and confused and I don't understand what is going on and I dont know what to do. My friend used to date his friend and he says that M is a real good guy, doesnt mistreat or talk shit about women and that he is legit, but then I am getting messed with. I dont know if he is just a jerk and is playing with me or if he really likes me and is scared to death or did like me until he saw my body but I do know is that I feel like shit!!! My brain says to run away or to get him back by flirting with his friends and that it needs to be over because I am just going to get hurt. But my heart keeps telling me there is something, we really do get each other and my heart tells me to give him a chance to have patience to let go of the fear and the need to control, my heart gives him every chance he would want and forgets how vaulnerable I feel the moment I see him, my heart told me I could really fall in love with this man and could marry him, which was why I freaked when he said that I wanted the wedding, I know I didnt tell anyone that and I have a hard time thinking that he can read me that well already considering I make it a very consious effort to keep my cool when Im around him.I dont know what to do, but now I am punishing myself hardcore I need his validation and is it killing me, not only because Im not getting it, but also because I would be like that. I pride myself on being strong and in control not a "girl" and right now thats all Im acting like, a pathetic little girl. And it just keeps going back to my body, he couldnt stay hard because I was that unattractive to him and even 100 pounds down Im still not hot enough and my body will never look like that of someone who was never obese and he is VERY athletic and built and works very hard and could want someone whose body is at that level and even if my athletism is at his level, my body is not and unless I have multiple surgeries and laser treatments it never will be. I know I dont want him if hes that shallow, but the truth is im just punishing myself, maybe Id rather him hate my body than just not be interested in me?  My ego is hurt baaaad, and my heart is very dissappointed.

I wish there was an easy way to fix this, but there isnt and I dont even know the right thing to do. I know if he doesnt want me than I should not want him,I should want someone who adores everything about me and makes me feel good, but my heart keeps telling me that he is that and that there is just something keeping him from giving me that - damn my heart, my heart is stupid ...

14 comments:

Meli said...

wow beth. thats quite a story. i'm so sorry you had to experience that. i feel like my best friend goes through things like this a lot. men are so confusing!!! i swear! they send mixed signals, they don't communicate, they make you go crazy thinking and thinking. the worst is when they go out of their way to be all into you only to ignore you and sometimes never talk to you again!! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? i will never understand men. you think..what is he thinking? and the truth is he more than likely isn't thinking anything. men are as simple as slugs. and what we take as them not caring or them not liking us is usually them not thinking. we read into things (and rightly so) but we give them way too much credit.

let me tell you, its not your body. because if a guy wants to get laid he'll sleep with anything that moves. guys really don't care that much as long as they get some. so please please don't think its your body. if he couldn't get it up there is something wrong with him. not you. he might feel bad and insecure because of it. he's just not expressing that. i mean who knows whats going on in his head. if anything. i'll tell ya, i'll never understand men.

i don't even know what advice to give. because men are so unpredictable. if you didn't feel that strongly about him i would say just brush him off. but it sounds like you really care about him. so i would say sit down and try to have a talk with him and get everything out. be cool you know, don't attack him (men don't respond well to that), just be open and understanding and very calm and rational. voice your concerns, ask questions, see what he says. and that way you guys can see if you're on the same wavelength. that way you know whether to invest in him or if you're just wasting your time. the longer you wait to have this talk the more you risk getting hurt.

and remember, you are hot! my god, the fact that you want sex as much as you do already makes you awesome in any man's book. lol.

DiZneDiVa said...

Meli makes alot of sense. The one thing that is definite is that it isn't about your body. You do have the scars of the Battle of the bulge but no man cares about stretch marks and loose skin... You are beautiful inside and out, no matter what happens don't let this experience make you think otherwise. You will find the right man but it may not be this one... and perhaps he's having feelings for you and is trying to force himself to not get too close since he's going to Spain. You have time to figure it all out, there's no rush. Just concentrate on yourself and feeling better about yourself so that no man can make you feel this way again. You are wonderful! Enjoy it, don't worry so much. There are alot of fish in the sea and sometimes you have to catch and release... *Maria*-Blogger from "This one time at BAND Camp...

Sparkler said...

Has it occurred to you that he may be gay? He may like you a lot, and may want his friends to think it's fully physical, hence why he makes such a show of you being together in front of them.

Perhaps he's just not ready to address this about himself yet.

In which case this is no reflection on you at all.

Be gentle with him, but try and detach emotionally because he doesn't seem to be available in that way.

Meli said...

wow that thought of him being gay hadn't even occurred to me. but now that you say it, i can totally see that. think back to all your interactions beth, does it make sense?

Blossom said...

I don't think it's about you, I think this guy has some issues. My ex-ex was like that; when he was drunk he was all over me but otherwise no; turns out he was abused and oh yeah, gay. Don't think it's about you. I also think this guy is playing games. I don't like that comment he made about having one of his kids, WTF? This guy wants to have his cake & eat it too, and you deserve more than that. His not texting/calling first is a big sign. I would stop hanging out with him; I know this is easier said than done but from the outside it looks more black and white...

Liz - Lizzle - Libby Lou said...

Ok baby doll! You must read the book I'm working on right now. It's called "How to find Mr. Right...and Keep him". A few things stood out to me.
1. Him not texting you to see how you are or what's up after periods of time....he's not consumed with thoughts of you as you are with him. However, most men do not want to text as much as women do. But if you do not text and it goes DAYS and maybe even a week....he hasn't crossed your mind. It's sad, but it's true. He can go that long w/o even thinking of you? Duche bag.
2. Him not wanting a relationship or a pregnancy before he leaves the country is very understandable, respectable and you should value that he told you with such honesty. He told you for this reason: IT'S A WARNING! He cares enough for you to not just sleep with you, go away, and possibly never return. You can't expect him to fall in love and wisk you away on his trip. That is not realistic, men do not work that way. Although taht does sound romantic....not realistic though.
3. Him not getting UP for you is super, super ackward BUT I say it's either a sign that he's ONLY into you as a friend and so he just couldn't (NOT your body, men care way less than we realize, they DO care about a beautiful face though, boobies are boobies, a vagina is just a hole, seriously! Generally they are just sooooo excited to be getting laid that they don't give a shit or even pay too much attention to your body) The other option is that he really IS such a good guy that while worrying about hurting you and leaving the country, he emotionally COULDN'T get it up. This is scientific and it does happen.

my advice....hmmmmm....Let him go. Even if the connection was wonderful, wait until he comes back and hang out and maybe if you both are single it could be something great THEN. Consider the possibility that he may never return. consider the possibility that he will return with a woman or will return having lost those feelings for you. All of these things are a reality. And if you hold on to a fairy tale or a HOPE that all will prevail...you only end up hurting YOURSELF if they do not work out thta way. It has been one of THE HARDEST LESSONS for me to learn in my grown up, romantic life. I still struggle with it sometimes. But if they move on and just "wtf don't give a shit"....you can't stop them, you can't change them, and yo uare only hurting yourself as you continue to dwell on it! I love u sweetie! If you like my advice or have questions or comments or need more talking, just send me a FB message. I'm here for you!!!! *hugs*

And you are looking super fabulous btw!!!

Liz - Lizzle - Libby Lou said...

on #1, I mean "you haven't crossed his mind"....if he hadn't texted.

And I too agree w/ the previous comments that there is a CHANCE (slim or not) that he could be gay.

I also agree with the comment to set down and have a chill rational conversation. No beer involved. Hopefully, YOU do not cry or get upset. The more CALM a woman is during a serious conversation, the MORE RESPECT You will get from a man. ALL men fear a woman will cry and flip out. When we actually don't, they are relieved, impressed, and respect u more! Truth!

Stephanie M. said...

It sounds like this dude has issues, and it has NOTHING to do with you or your body. What everyone said above makes sense - it sounds like he's putting on a show. If anything, it's the OPPOSITE of what you are saying - he thinks you're incredibly hot and makes a big show of it in public but can't/doesn't want to do anything about it in private. Whatever it is, it sounds like maybe he can be a friend, but I agree - forget about him as a romantic interest unless he shows some serious changes.

amandakiska said...

I agree it isn't any issue with your body. In my experience, most guys are ready for action regardless.

But I don't think it should be so hard. When it's right, things just fall into place. You can't stay away from each other and it is mutual. The possibility of going to Spain or going to the Moon can't keep you apart.

You are beautiful and wonderful and fun! The right guy for you is out there and I know you'll find him!

Nicole said...

It's def not your body. It's him he has all types of issues..let him go.

Jacquie said...

Oh Beth, I just want to give you a hug right now. I agree with the others...its not you. He has issues....what they are I'm not sure. I would look the other way and move on. I know it hurts but you deserve better honey and you will find him...he is out there.

Joey said...

1. Dating Sucks.

2. You have a great body, your mind is messing with you. And I can't imagine that you would want to be with anyone that would rejects based on that.

3. You are so in a normal state right now. As much as it sucks, it sounds classic 22. Like things are in hyper-speed and emotions are heightened.

4. Guys can't communicate for shit. My guess is that he has mixed feelings. That he really likes you but is trying to protect himself from anything serious because he is moving away. So he has this internal struggle going on between logic and emotion. And instead of talking about it it comes across as dicking you around. HE may not even know what's going on in his head.

5. Don't get caught up in the revenge thinking. It will just end up making you feel hurt in the long run.

6. All you ate was ice cream and candy after all that? Not too bad at all.

7. You're gorgeous. I'd get hard for you :)
(oh, I'm so nasty!)

8. XOXO

Drazil said...

Beth - you are one hot tomale. If he can't see that - walk away because you deserve more than that.

Catherine55 said...

OK -- I see two things going on with this guy. One, he's not ready to get in a relationship because there are things he wants to do (Spain, etc.) before he settles down. Fine -- no problem there, that's normal.

Two, I bet he hasn't been in touch because he is MORTIFIED that he couldn't perform. He probably thinks that you told all of your friends and that everyone is laughing at him. Guys are SO much more insecure than we realize.

I agree with everyone else -- this is NOT about your body. P-lease. You are such a beautiful girl! Maybe being a swimsuit model isn't in the cards, but you are truly gorgeous, and guys really are not as critical of us as we are of ourselves. So, please put that thought out of your mind.

I know this sucks -- it's so hard to meet someone that you really connect with and like. But hang in there -- there seriously are other fish in the sea. Sending you a big hug!!

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