Be who you are and say what you feel because those that care do not matter and those that matter do not care 
Dr. Suess

my ticker

my ticker

Update

Well I dissappeared from blog world for a while. I guess you could say Im trying to find my place in the real world and well sometimes I am not so good at balancing things. I noticed I have gotten ALOT of new followers, so to those of you have started following me thankyou for your interst in my journey!! There are so many things I need to catch you all up on, but I'm still not ready to process the world Im living in right now, its crazy, fun, exciting, confusing, and scary all at the same time.

I spent my whole life as the fat girl, it was part of my identity and even as I was taking this journey, losing weight I was still that fat girl. I have lost 50 pounds here and there alot of my life so doing that was just another round of beth's yo-yo. But now, a year and a half almost out of surgery and I have NEVER gained more than 5 lbs since my surgery I recognize that the yo-yo is gone, I took it threw it on the ground stomped on it and broke it into smitherines!! That is so releiving, I am no longer waiting for the ball to drop on my weightloss, I know that even if I never lost one more pound, I will not be back on the upswing. I will chill at 185 just fine. And although I've spent months between the 191 188 range Im ok with that, well Im not angry about it at least.

Back to what I was going to say, I didnt even recognize that I was not a fatty anymore until September, so this is a new world for me. And I feel like I am a 16 year old girl trying to find her way in the world. I dont know who I am I know who fat beth is, but who is thin Beth?? There are alot of things about fat Beth that I love and that will be coming with me, but there were alot of things about her that I really dont like. I dont like how hard she was on herself or that she pushed people away. I dont like how scared and fragile and negative she was. I am ready to enjoy my life, to open up, to have friends and bonds and allow people in enough to help me when I am down and root for me when I am up. This may seem strange to many of you but in my world for a long time, all I had was me. I didnt let too many others in and I NEVER let them in enough that is would break me when they hurt me. I had learned from past experiences that people were cruel and that I was expendable and that they would hurt me if it would suit them. I think I was an easy target, its easy to pick on the fat girl or the dorky boy or the ugly kid; but I internalized that into being hard stand offish and well unapproachable. I have talked about this before, I no longer want to be that person, everyday I try to be warmer, to SMILE ( I know that sounds silly but at first even that was something I had to think about doing at first ), I try to show people that I appreciate them, I give out compliments, I strike conversations, I actually connect with people. Its hard for me. But I even put myself in positions that would make me uncomfortable, because I need to learn that I am not being judged and that I will survive. I walk around campus with ice cream and eat it infront of people, I text boys and ask them out, I went down town in a little bity dress - that was very hard for me, but no one even looked at me wierd, a few girls just told me I was brave because it was cooooold!! And the most brave thing I do I tell people that I think I look good, I say Im hot or I have a nice features - I compliment myself and I am confident and encouraging to myself publically. That is something that is always been hard, I mean I never wanted to be the girl who thought she looked good and talked herself up, but everyone talked about her behind her back ya know??

Everyday I walk forward and  I try new things and sometimes I fall flat on my face, sometimes I get embarassed, I do something stupid or even fail at what I try, but I get back up dust myself off and learn from it. Its hard to grow its hard to relearn who you are. Somedays I want to stop I want to be old Beth and stay in my bedroom and stay away from people, go hide for awhile, not call a friend just brood and hate myself. But I wont allow that anymore, I deserve to have the life I want, I deserve to find happiness, to have friends and family and love. Nothing is easy, losing the weight doesnt solve all of your problems, but now I allow myself to move forward to learn and grow and not use my weight as a crutch and a shield. I dont know really where I am going, who I am going to be or where this road will take me, but I have faith that its the right direction and that no matter where it takes me I will enjoy it and life will be good.

8 comments:

Nicole said...

I have missed you Beth! Great deep post, I can relate on so many levels. And show your stuff you are GORGEOUS! Love ya!

Amy W. said...

This is a beautiful post. After meeting you in Chicago, you now fall into my mental category of "I cant imagine she was ever fat"..you know, when you meet someone who has lost weight and you automatically see them as a "forever thin" person...that is you.

you look amazing.

tessierose said...

Great Post!

Maria said...

Beth, I think you are beautiful inside and out, and you deserve all those wonderful things for yourself!

Lap Band Gal said...

I like it :)

DiZneDiVa said...

You are truly beautiful inside and out, I adored you before Chicago and meeting you there was incredible. You are a fantastic person and this is a great post. I am glad you are trying to be nicer to yourself, you deserve it. *Maria*-blogger from "This one time at BAND Camp..."

Tim said...

Great post. You've done brilliantly so far. It's very inspiring!

Joey said...

This is awesome. I didn't know fat Beth, but I looooove thin Beth! (not BECAUSE she's thin, of course. You know what I'm sayin', right?)

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