... I'm gonna start this post by saying I'm scared to even write now. I feel I have deserted you all, I feel I have disappointed and I don't like that, I am always striving for PERFECTION, I want everyone to love me, to respect me, to think of me as an example and even to be envious of me - but now I feel I have let people down by disappearing and its very hard for me to come back with my tail between my legs and apologize. I hate having to do this and I hate that I dissappeared :( .... This is not the first time I have done this, and I'm not talking about blog land. I had a great dissappearance from the real world the winter before I had my surgery, I was just so depressed and hated how I looked that I locked myself up in my room and only went to school and work and spent time with my then boyfriend. A year and a half later, I finally crawled out of the hole I had created for myself, and luckily for me my best friends forgave my absence and were so excited to see the new me that everything went back to normal. Buuut that has alot to do with why I have been MIA here, this last quarter I have been regaining my existance in the 'real' world. I have been meeting people, creating new friendships, making memories, meeting boys. I have been having ALOT of fun, there has been alot of partying and drinking, and dancing. Buuut it has been hard for me to balance and my weighloss and you all have taken the back seat and well I'm sorry. I am so bad at balancing my life sometimes. But here are some pictures of the amazing fun and craziness that was Beth fall quarter and my graduation.

Me: Halloween; if you can't tell I was Cleopatra

This is from my birthday

This is my friend and I at our birthday dinner



House parties, dancing, and friends have become my weekends!!! Fun - nuff said



As my birthday present my best friend brought me Aguar diente - its a columbian liquor; clearly I was very excited ha ha



This is my friend chris after he jumped into mirror lake - its a tradition at my school before the Michigan game to jump into the lake - its cold and crazy, but fun!!!



Look I even allowed a picture where my stomach is showing, I am very proud of this. It doesn't even look bad, nothing spilling out of my jeans :)

another night out ahhh I wasn't kidding when I said I have been enjoying myself ALOT

My friend decided it was time to have a suedo modeling session and these are some of the good one ... it was very hard for me to be center of attention like that, but I do like the pictures

These next few pictures are from crawl night, basically senior crawl is when you start at one end of the main street that all the bars are on by campus and have a drink at each one until you get to the other end .... we made it half way ... it was fun and as the pictures show crazy !

And I graduated!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My mom and dad and I at graduation

This me and two of my best friends from college!!



This is from New Years Eve



Ok, so now you are updated on my social life, which is obviously alive and kicking.

Another reason why I disappeared was, well my last post I think was too much for me. I sometimes try to be real and honest and well its too much for me. I have stated before I don't let people in very well and I think I felt I exposed myself too much, gave too many details and I felt very wierd about it. Honestly I won't even let myself read that post or the comments because it makes me feel icky. I can't really explain why, but I am embarassed about the whole situation and the fact that I told anyone, let alone all of my blogg world is in one a big step forward for me being a more open person but also was just tooo much. So there you have it I freaked myself out !!

For your information, that boy is being an idiot and I am annoyed with the whole gender at this point, but that is neither here now there. There are a million of him and only one of me and I am twenty-three years old, not 16 and I don't need a man to make me feel OK. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself. I am picky and finding someone that makes me excited, AKA that has serious potential is a RARETY so yes I am dissappointed in the situation and yes I took a real kick to the ego, but I guess you live and you learn. That doesn't make it easier tho.... I still hope sometimes that he will realize what an idiot he is being and just do what I want, but the realist in me know thats not likely .... And I do know that number one thing I want in a man is someone who wants me, obviously if he doesn't want me I don't want him. Uhhhh

Anyway .... what else is new?? I got a big kid job and start on MOnday, yea!!! I will be working my serving job and that job for the first five weeks of training and then I am done. I am so excited to not have to serve anymore!!!!!!!!! Its like freedom - seriously. I am also meeting a lady tomorrow about an internship. I am so excited about this internship, it actually has to do with my major and the career I someday want to persue so that is always amazing!! I just hope I can juggle everything, in my head I tell myself I've been juggling ever since I started working and going to college and this weightloss journey and this will be the same thing. I know that I can do it and that it will be a great opportunity and be one step closer to my dreams so of course I am going to put my best foot forward and convince this lady that she has to give me the internship. I am also looking at this situation as a way to make myself so incredibly busy that I won't have time to worry about boys and the madness that has ensued in my head will stop.

Weightloss is a hot mess. The holidays seriously kicked my ass!! I am about the same weight I have been since Chicago - that is depressing, I don't like it and I need to do something, but lately I have felt very out of control. Its definately not a fill situation, my restriction is perfect, I love where I am and when I eat conciously I do really well, its just that I have become a sugar-holic again and I am self sabatoging hard core :( This has alot to do with why I forced myself to write this and reappear in the blog world, when I am here and active I do so much better and I need that support, I need you all.  It just proves that you really can't do this alone, you need to have your support system to help you.

I missed you all!!!!!!!!