Good evening my fine feathered friends,
Look I didn't just check in with hollow promises of being back just to dissapear again for several month... aren't you proud of me????
.... Anyways I have been thinking, very very very hard about why I have been stuck in this rut (which has been going on six months now, OMG, six months of ZERO loss - ahhh), and not the emotion part, I am aware of my pathetic emotional instability, and well that may be a factor, I admit that, I know it, I have even posted about it. The emotional state I have been in may have contributed to the promblem, but lets get real, one thing does not lead to a 15 pound weight gain and 6 month plateau, no there were several factors, and now I think its time I took a looong look into them so that I can be aware of them so the next time some silly boy tells me he doesn't want to date and my drama queen 13 year old has a six month tantrum I can lean on other good habits to at least maintain (and the hope is by the next time that or some other life self created drama comes I will be at goal so maintance is all that is necessary)
1. I went from being focused only on weightloss to being completely focused on my social life. I need to recognize something, I AM NOT GOOD AT BALANCE. I do not know how to balance watching my weight, making good decisions, and going out, having lunches with friends, going out dancing, drinking and being social. I need to find a way to do them both. I really really need to learn that I do not need to drink when I am out with my friends. Itis really a foreign concept to be out at a bar or be around others drinking and I am not. Its not that I am an alcoholic, but I do like to drink and when you are out, its so easy for a friend to buy you a drink and then I am drinking so I just keep ordering more and more until the next thing I know I've had 5 vodka and soda's (ooops). Then there's the pressure I feel - why are you not drinking?? When we are out if I just say Im not drinking its like I just grew a big wart on nose. If I say anything about not drinking because Im watching my weight its even worse, because I "already look good." Then there's food. When I am out with my friends they want to go out to eat, so do I. But I have a hard time with going out. If I get something healthy I will eat about a half a cup of food, then there are the "you are not eating" looks. And sometimes I just want to eat like normal, so I get foods that slide, foods that are not the healthiest. Or they will get a dessert, ohh my biggest weakness I have a really hard time saying no.
2. I got lazy!! I will admit it, it was winter time and I didnt want to go out. So I would miss a training session a week. Iwould just not go to the gym for a few days, then the days became weeks. I don't like the cold, when its cold I don't want to move I just want to cuddle under a blanket in front of the TV with warm cookies from the oven.
3. Food: I am sick of the same foods, I am sick of having to eat protein bars and diet food, I am SICK of being so restricted!!! What has been happening lately is I tell myself I will eat really good (which means the same bland eggs with a little pepper or turkey bacon, and cottage cheese, and salads) and then I just cannot eat them, I will literally cook myself something and look at it, have a few bites and then just throw it away, in 30 mins when Im hungry then Im snacking on candy and cookies and everything that is the opposite of what was planned. Then I have ruined my day so I just eat more junk. Then the next day the leftover junk is there lingering, whispering sweat nothings in my ear I want to choose the good food, but honestly the good food has been so0o0o0o unappetixing lately therefore I start this viscious cycle again!
So there ya have it, I need find a way to go out without blowing my diet, I need to move, and I need to find new foods and not be so darned strict that I swing to the dark side and eat 1,000's of calories more than Ishould in a day ... now time to find a new plan ....
my ticker
I have not even allowed myself to venture into blog land since January - JANUARY!!! Why??? I wish I could give some sort of profund reason, something like I needed to become my own person or something that had meaning or something, but the truth is I ran away. I ran away from this battle of weight loss, I ran away from my blog as it is a mirror for me to truly see myself, and well its really hard sometimes to look at yourself not just your reflection, we are basically forced to that every once in a while, but your soul, your mind, this blog gives an insight in who you are and you ladies, your responses and our reactions to your responses and to what we ourselves put on this blog they at least for me help(ed) me define alot about who I am. And well the state of my life really hasnt been where I want it to be, so the mirror had become to painful to look at anymore.
One thing I have learned in this time, is that I give my power to others much too easily. It is very important to me what others think of me, my personality, my lifestyle and especially what I look like. My vanity may be one of my biggest flaws, but I am aware of it and I do not understand those that just are secure in themselves and innately know that they are good enough, or that truly give no mind to what others think of them. It is really a foreign concept to me, what others think of me consumes at least 40% of my thoughts in a day, and just that fact in itself is very disheartening to me. Getting back to my complete retreat from blog world, I felt that I did not look to you all like I had myself together, and well to avoid the responses and the mirror I just avoided it completly.
The fact is that starting in September I pulled myself out of a social cave and exposed myself to people, to friends, all of you in Chicago, to new coworkers; I am a little socially backward because I do give so much power to the opinions of others, when I expose myself I freakout, my fear of rejection, of judgment from friends, peers, and those I admire is paramount. There are times that when I go out with friends one night and spend much of the next day extremely panicky because I go over every second of the night, every word out of my mouth, every move I make; analysing every moment and trying to decifer if I made an ass out of myself. Some days its excruciating. I went from a state where I KNEW that I wasnt good enough in my extreme obesity and self hatred to realizing that I no longer lost from first sight and I had to now lean on my personality and see if that was good enough ( all the while still in the back of my head fearing that my body was still not good enough for social exceptance). This has been a very difficult journey for me. And I will be honest when I say I am really still working on it.
When the boy thing happened it was about 500 steps back, I was really, probably too excited about him and well the rejection put me in a bad place. For months I have been dealing with this feeling with this motto in the back of my head: "I have put all this work in and nothing has changed, I still can't have who I want, I AM STILL NOT GOOD ENOUGH" I wake up every day and have to try my hardest to push it back, and honestly the only time I even face it is when I have been drinking, which I have to admit has been happening quite a bit too much for my liking lately. This struggle has made my progress very difficult, both emotion and physical - I have been drinking too much to try to help with the social anxiety, then I emotionally eat the next day to deal with the aftershock from the social encounter and the embarassment I have of myself from my drunken stupor, and well that has basically caused a seriously bad plateau. I in fact have gained 18lbs since my lowest in October and now have been working but struggling to get back to where I was and see the 170's.
I wish I could say I am back because I now have myself together, but that would be a lie. This is an issue that I am now facing but still working through, and it may be something that I work on my whole life. Unfortunately this is one struggle that perfectionists have, nothing is ever good enough and for me - there is always something that needs improvement, my biggest focus for this perfectionism is myself, my body, my face, my personality and somedays its excrutiating how hard I am on myself. I admit the problem and am committed to facing it, and I no longer want to let it stop me from seeing my weightloss goals. I thank god for my band because the emotional state that I have been in the last six months would have surely brought me to that weightgain upswing that I usually saw, I am certain that I would be back to that 50 + lbs weight gain that I have seen so many times, 18 lbs really is nothing and I am confident that I can see my 185lbs again and I will see the 170s this year!!
I also realize that my neglect of blog world also coincides with weight gain, the fact is that this bond, this very scary mirror as I described it also keeps me honest and focused, not to mention reading your successes and your problems and having this extra support truly helps with weight loss. The fact is I need this community, you all have a direct effect in my weight loss and I am very aware of it. So I have to stay commited to myself, to the blog, and to you all. I am excited to read over your blogs for the last few months and see your emotional and physical transformations!!
One thing I have learned in this time, is that I give my power to others much too easily. It is very important to me what others think of me, my personality, my lifestyle and especially what I look like. My vanity may be one of my biggest flaws, but I am aware of it and I do not understand those that just are secure in themselves and innately know that they are good enough, or that truly give no mind to what others think of them. It is really a foreign concept to me, what others think of me consumes at least 40% of my thoughts in a day, and just that fact in itself is very disheartening to me. Getting back to my complete retreat from blog world, I felt that I did not look to you all like I had myself together, and well to avoid the responses and the mirror I just avoided it completly.
The fact is that starting in September I pulled myself out of a social cave and exposed myself to people, to friends, all of you in Chicago, to new coworkers; I am a little socially backward because I do give so much power to the opinions of others, when I expose myself I freakout, my fear of rejection, of judgment from friends, peers, and those I admire is paramount. There are times that when I go out with friends one night and spend much of the next day extremely panicky because I go over every second of the night, every word out of my mouth, every move I make; analysing every moment and trying to decifer if I made an ass out of myself. Some days its excruciating. I went from a state where I KNEW that I wasnt good enough in my extreme obesity and self hatred to realizing that I no longer lost from first sight and I had to now lean on my personality and see if that was good enough ( all the while still in the back of my head fearing that my body was still not good enough for social exceptance). This has been a very difficult journey for me. And I will be honest when I say I am really still working on it.
When the boy thing happened it was about 500 steps back, I was really, probably too excited about him and well the rejection put me in a bad place. For months I have been dealing with this feeling with this motto in the back of my head: "I have put all this work in and nothing has changed, I still can't have who I want, I AM STILL NOT GOOD ENOUGH" I wake up every day and have to try my hardest to push it back, and honestly the only time I even face it is when I have been drinking, which I have to admit has been happening quite a bit too much for my liking lately. This struggle has made my progress very difficult, both emotion and physical - I have been drinking too much to try to help with the social anxiety, then I emotionally eat the next day to deal with the aftershock from the social encounter and the embarassment I have of myself from my drunken stupor, and well that has basically caused a seriously bad plateau. I in fact have gained 18lbs since my lowest in October and now have been working but struggling to get back to where I was and see the 170's.
I wish I could say I am back because I now have myself together, but that would be a lie. This is an issue that I am now facing but still working through, and it may be something that I work on my whole life. Unfortunately this is one struggle that perfectionists have, nothing is ever good enough and for me - there is always something that needs improvement, my biggest focus for this perfectionism is myself, my body, my face, my personality and somedays its excrutiating how hard I am on myself. I admit the problem and am committed to facing it, and I no longer want to let it stop me from seeing my weightloss goals. I thank god for my band because the emotional state that I have been in the last six months would have surely brought me to that weightgain upswing that I usually saw, I am certain that I would be back to that 50 + lbs weight gain that I have seen so many times, 18 lbs really is nothing and I am confident that I can see my 185lbs again and I will see the 170s this year!!
I also realize that my neglect of blog world also coincides with weight gain, the fact is that this bond, this very scary mirror as I described it also keeps me honest and focused, not to mention reading your successes and your problems and having this extra support truly helps with weight loss. The fact is I need this community, you all have a direct effect in my weight loss and I am very aware of it. So I have to stay commited to myself, to the blog, and to you all. I am excited to read over your blogs for the last few months and see your emotional and physical transformations!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
