Be who you are and say what you feel because those that care do not matter and those that matter do not care 
Dr. Suess

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Get out of Jail Free Pass

I really hate being so negative, and I want you all to know that your support and kindness is what is helping me pull through. But I am not feeling better yet. I feel like I am still on period, even though it is over. I just feel so anxious and want to cry all the time - for absolutely no reason. I jcan't handle the pressure of life right now. If I had the choice I would just lay in bed an do nothing - and honestly I don't know why. I have dealt with work and school and money issues and working out before - and I haven't felt this way. Today for instance I have to go to work and then I will be spending all night working on an Econ homework assignment and then study for a quiz in my other econ class and then I have to work - AKA I will not be sleeping. I am going to go work out before work today and I will be seeing my personal trainer tomorrow so I will be getting the excersize in and today I was slightly better at my eating, but I know if I dont stop eating the processed bad food I will never get the toxins out of my body and I will continue to feel this way.

 I don't know what to do, but I can't handle this constant feeling of stress, this worry that I am going to ruin my life if I dont work my very hardest. I am so afraid of failure, failure in school, in losing weight, in my relationships, at work, with money. There are moments when I wish I could just have a nervous breakdown, and get a free pass from everything that I cannot handle. Right now I feel like I am spiralling into a tunnel of doom, mentally I see myself back at 285lbs I see myself falling back as I have every time I have lost weight. Even though I am staying steadily at the 202-205 range, in my head I am gaining and gaining and gaining. In my head there is voice telling me I am on way back up again, even though I am not. And I cannot stop this voice. I need to give myself a break, a break from the pressure that I have control of. So the only place that I have control of right now is my weightloss. I am giving myself a pass from now until July 25. The worrying about what I eat is over. The planning, the constant thinking to myself about food is not going to happen for this week and a half. No more pressure to work out very hard and for so long is not going to be there. I release myself so I can focus on school and allow myself some time to relax. This is not to say that I am going to go crazy and eat junk, instead I am going to eat when I am hungry and what I want, and I want to go to the gym and excersize, but only if I have time I am not going to feel guilty about not working out I am just going to give myself a get out of jail free pass. I am hoping that this will help me relax and calm the anxiety. But if anyone has any other ideas I would appreciate the advice.

4 comments:

Bianca J said...

It sounds like you have quite a bit going on. Can you schedule a bit of time to do something that you really like? For an hour or two forget about everything else and do whatvever it is that brings you joy. Sometimes we just need to take a break from all the responsibilites and pressures of daily life.

Hang in there.

Leah said...

Aww honey, I'm sorry! If it makes you feel ANY better, I splurged yesterday... and I lost 1.8 pounds from yesterday morning... seriously what the f?? lol But you needing a break is probably best. You're body has been going into overdrive and you're burning out. So give yourself a damn get out of jail free card!! You've already come this far... if you keep stressing it's not going to help your weight loss, or help you attain any of your goals, so just relax... we're all here if you need us hun!! :) I hope everything goes well!!

Leah said...

Hey Beth, me again. I forgot to tell you, if you need any support or just want to talk, email me! The email goes straight to my phone, and I see it. My email is p3ach3s1416@gmail.com So I'm here if ya need someone!!

Drazil said...

Hmmm...I wouldn't say this if I didn't mean it. I have felt what you are feeling and at some point you have to realize this may be out of your control. YOu may need to reach out for medical help....please take care of you....

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