ONEDERLAND update

So for all of you who are my facebook buds you already know that I have FINALLY reached ONEDERLAND!!! And along with that I have promised a vlog, that will be comeing on Monday. I 1. had to clean the black hole that was my bedroom to find my camera and 2. my internet is down until the cable company comes then! So I know you will all be earnestly waiting, but it will be here soon, dont get too worked up ;)

Have a good Sunday

If I publish it online that forces me to Commit -- Oh dear what have I got myself into!!

I, have made a promise to my dear Miss Liz http://lizandrk.blogspot.com/2010/07/my-goals-for-this-week.html that I would run the 5K during BOOBS. Ok so that means I need to stop with the buts and I don't have times and I will start tomorrow because I know I will wake up and it will be September and I will still get worn out after run/ walking for ten minutes and i will be screwed. This I pledge will not be happening me, nope nope nope ( as a dear friend ducky once said - if you don't know what I am talking about then well look up the greatest late 80's kids movie). Any whoo. I can and I will be running this 5K without stopping! This is my chance to 1) get in the best shape possible before I see all you hot mamas and 2) show myself once again that I can do anything. As much as I want number one, I NEED number 2. I have been a whiny little baby lately and the truth is its time to put up or shut Beth! I have worked hard, but lately not really hard and well I want to be at goal by December, I want to be maintaining and to continue my life as a normal person, not a weight obsessed psycho that I have been for much of my life. I am ready for some equilibrium, so its time to work work and do something that I can be proud of. I have ALOT of studying to do tonight, but I will be putting in a 30 minute walk run session I promise you!!!! If you cannot tell I have already started on the Red Bull so I apoligize if this blog is a little scatterbrained!

Also when I make it to the 199 mark I am promising a VLOG, so bring me some weight loss vibes so you all get the pleasure of seeing this craziness in semi-person!!!

XOXO
Beth

Best Part of Waking Up

I love waking up and rubbing my belly in the morning. I can feel my ribs and hips and my flat stomache!!! Maybe that is wierd, but I really really love it. It is a nice way of waking up and reminding myself that I am truly in a good place and on my way!!

Today will be a good day, I am determined to start the week on a good foot - no more planning now is time for doing!!!!!!!!

Have a great Monday lasses!

Updates and such

Hey There, Beth Here!

Well, weekends are quite a bit more relaxed than week days so I FINALLY have time to post. I am really behind on blogs (again) but I am honestly not going to let my self catch up very much until this week is over. I  have so frikkin much to do its rediculous. I have a midterm on Tuesday, a big homework assignment on Wednesday for econ, An extra credit assignment that I must do  along with another homework assignment for Spanish, AND another midterm in another Econ class. But once Wednesday is over so is my hell (as far as I think). So I am going to diligently try to get my extra credit and Econ homework assignment done today, so I will only have to study for Midterms (wish my procastinating ass luck on this!)

On the weight front, as I said I am giving myself a free pass until next week is over. I weighed myself yesterday morning and it said 200.0 - REALLY!!??? I mean yeah, I am happy because its a loss and I am back down, but I think my scale is just teasing me, it just cannot say 199.9?? I mean thats all I want to be in ONDERLAND, I know it will be here soon, but geez!

I am trying to be conscious of what I eat and I am, I am concious that I am not eating very good :P! Its not that I am eating alot, it more that what I am eating it pure crap. Yesterday for instance I had a Panda bowl, with steamed white rice and the sweet mandrin chicken (probably about 1/3 of the chicken and only a few bites of rice) and a glass of 2% milk and then 1.5 peices of godiva chocolate cheese cake (this cheese cake is DANGEROUS - I am pretty sure there is crack in it, it is so smooth and rich and chocolatey, my version of heaven) So yeah, I guess if I want to see a 1 infront of my weight, I am going to have to start making bettter choices, I just haven't really wanted to lately.

Which brings up a strange question, that I have never understood and maybe someone will know the answer. I have my whole entire life wanted nothing more than to be little, skinny, beautiful, and healthy, yet I have my whole entire life made terrible eating choices or cannot stick to eating healthfully even though I hate myself afterwards, and I know I am not the only one. Why do we do this to ourselves?? Why if we want so badly to be at goal and know that if we just eat right excersize and follow the rules that it will come off, do we not act like little robots and do until we reach goal??? I wish I had the answer to this, I feel like knowing that would 1) help me reach goal and 2) make me a millionare ; )

So Friday night I went to one of my best friend's going away parties and had copious amounts of sangria and bacardi and danced  all night. I loves it. But anyway, my friend has been telling me that one of her other friends had some sort of WLS also as she lost 30 kilos (um I think that is around 70lbs) since October! But I didn't want to be like,, Hi I had WLS too we should become good friends ha ha!! So anyway, we were drunkies and somehow it came up and we were talking about it, she had bypass and before I know it in the middle of the party we are lifting up our shirts and showing our scars - ha ha! First of all I would have NEVER in my life let showed my belly in public before surgery, so I guess that is a wierd NSV. But the whole thing was very cool and interesting.

Yesterday I did something else that is kind of blowing my mind right now. I as you all know have been feeling pretty frustrated, depressed, anxious, and stressed lately, so I had a free afternoon and decided to give myself a pick me up. And do you know where I went??? Khols! WTF!!??? I remember not long ago going to try on clothes was the worst part of my day, if I had to do it I would wait until the end of the day because I would be so depressed afterwards. So anywhoo, I went to Khols to try on some clothes and see where I am size wise. I go to the juniors section and grap a bunch of shirts and a few bottoms (which is pretty strange for me, as I never used to try on pants and skirts it was just too depressing). I officially wear a medium top, I tried them all on, and they all fit, in the juniors section!!! Wowza. But it gets better. I put on a pair of 13 juniors shorts, and they fit! I put on a 13 pencil skirt, it fits! I put on a juniors 13 Levis jeans, they fit ( a little snug, but no muffin top)! OMG I wear a 13, a 13!!!! I cannot beleive it! So I go to the women's section and pick out a pair of trousers and a pair of jeans in 12's to see what they look like. I will be damned, they fit too!! I cannot beleive it. I am in a size 12, that is 2 sizes smaller than I was when I was 16!!!! I have always thought it would be ideal if I could ever fit in a 12, because I have always just wanted to be normal, and a 12 is the average woman's pants size. I am now average and that to me is amazing!!! And now I am thinking, once I lose this last 40 lbs, I wonder what size I will be??? If I could be under a 10 I think I will pee myself, me?? Beth?? wear a single digit pants size?? No way!! But now I see that maybe it is possible! And that is an acheivement in itself.

Get out of Jail Free Pass

I really hate being so negative, and I want you all to know that your support and kindness is what is helping me pull through. But I am not feeling better yet. I feel like I am still on period, even though it is over. I just feel so anxious and want to cry all the time - for absolutely no reason. I jcan't handle the pressure of life right now. If I had the choice I would just lay in bed an do nothing - and honestly I don't know why. I have dealt with work and school and money issues and working out before - and I haven't felt this way. Today for instance I have to go to work and then I will be spending all night working on an Econ homework assignment and then study for a quiz in my other econ class and then I have to work - AKA I will not be sleeping. I am going to go work out before work today and I will be seeing my personal trainer tomorrow so I will be getting the excersize in and today I was slightly better at my eating, but I know if I dont stop eating the processed bad food I will never get the toxins out of my body and I will continue to feel this way.

 I don't know what to do, but I can't handle this constant feeling of stress, this worry that I am going to ruin my life if I dont work my very hardest. I am so afraid of failure, failure in school, in losing weight, in my relationships, at work, with money. There are moments when I wish I could just have a nervous breakdown, and get a free pass from everything that I cannot handle. Right now I feel like I am spiralling into a tunnel of doom, mentally I see myself back at 285lbs I see myself falling back as I have every time I have lost weight. Even though I am staying steadily at the 202-205 range, in my head I am gaining and gaining and gaining. In my head there is voice telling me I am on way back up again, even though I am not. And I cannot stop this voice. I need to give myself a break, a break from the pressure that I have control of. So the only place that I have control of right now is my weightloss. I am giving myself a pass from now until July 25. The worrying about what I eat is over. The planning, the constant thinking to myself about food is not going to happen for this week and a half. No more pressure to work out very hard and for so long is not going to be there. I release myself so I can focus on school and allow myself some time to relax. This is not to say that I am going to go crazy and eat junk, instead I am going to eat when I am hungry and what I want, and I want to go to the gym and excersize, but only if I have time I am not going to feel guilty about not working out I am just going to give myself a get out of jail free pass. I am hoping that this will help me relax and calm the anxiety. But if anyone has any other ideas I would appreciate the advice.

We are not having this conversation

Ok, sorry I have been MIA, life is busy and I want and wish I could make it go away, I just dont want to deal, I want to dig a whole and wait until everything is normal (can someone let me know when that is because life hasn't been normal since .... um ... EVER!!) So guess what, Im just not gonna talk about it ok?

I'm not gonna talk about the fact that I gained 2 lbs this week

I'm not gonna talk about the fact that I ate nothing but junk all weekend long

I'm not gonna talk about the fact that besides from seeing my personal trainer I have done no cardio yet this month

I'm not gonna talk about the fact that my knee is bothering me and now I am afraid its going to be another excuse not to do anything

I'm not gonna talk about the fact that I think I am self sabotaging!

I'm not gonna talk about all the school work I have to do

I'm not going to talk about the fact that I am flat frickin broke and have a million things to pay for

I'm not going to talk about the fact that me and that guy are not working out (on my front)

I'm not going to talk about the fact that I have been mentally downing myself for about a week now

I'm not gonna talk about the depression and anxiety I feel whispering in my ears that I keep telling myself I don't have time to deal with

I'm not gonna talk about the fact that if I don't reach perfection I feel like I failed

I'm not gonna talk about the ice cream I ate today

I'm not gonna talk about the fact that this post is making me feel so exhausted



OK so ya get it, I am in a funk- I want to get out, but I don't know what to do I NEED to work out, I need the endorphines, I need to eat well, I know it will help me but its like I can't get out. Everyday I wake up telling myself, today you will get back on the wagon and by the afternoon I have muffed it all up!! I am mad at myself and I don't know what to do but to pout and continue, because I dont have time to think, let alone figure out what the hell my deal it :S

I have control of my body - even if it is a squash bottom!!!!!

Hey there you sexy biatches!!!

Well its another tuesday, though it feels like Monday and I am sure my whole week is gonna be wapperjawed due to this extended weekend! Today started out good, I had my oatmeal, did 30mins of cardio BEFORE working out with my trainer and then went to whole foods and got a salmon fillet, fruit salad, and sweet potatoe things- it was effing delicious ladies and only 5 bucks, I was very impressed with myself. But i did a little bad thing and got 2 odwalla drinks with the intention of watering them down and drinking them for the next few days, but I um am finishing the last of the 2nd now - I've drank alot of water today though :) And although this is not a good action, its a less bad one: I am stressed for this assignment so I went on a 'study run' with thoughts of cupcakes and speggetti Os dancing through my mind, I went down cookie isle, the bakery, the candy isle, looked at every naughty thing I could and I left with chips and mango salsa, cheese dip, and guac. I didn't eat the guac tho cause Im a guac snob and it was no good!! And oh And I took a good handful of chips out and brought it down stairs! This may not seem like such a good move but 1) compared to my normal assorment of candy bars, ice cream, chips, cheeze-its, and other foods that would make Jillian Micheals smack me across the head that I usually get this was a good step for me!! and 2) I am not one of those people who will eat chips until they are gone, I am that way with Reese's or cookies or anything with sugar, but that bag of chips will easily stay in my panty for a few weeks, so I know I wont be eating bad all week either so that is helpful.

Ok enough of that I actually have something deep and interesting to chat about. I was thinking about this and I had wanted to do a blog about it, but I forgot and today I though about it so now you get to hear it.

A while back I was reading Amy W's blog and she mentioned something about someone telling her not to get too skinny and I asked her if that bothered her and she said no, well she is a stronger woman that I because it bothers the hell out of me. I am at 200 lbs and when I go home my family and friends are always saying "now dont get too skinny!" Ok first of all I AM NOT TOO SKINNY!!! I am still considered overweight by BMI and yes I have a small upperbody, but my let me turn around and you will understand why I still have 40 lbs to lose, I mean seriously its like I am one of those paper people that you can change their buttoms and tops. I wear a medium top and a size 14/16 pants! If I could tell my fat cells to lay off my upperbody I would! I mean I seriously pick up two different types of guys depending on if I am sitting down or standing up. Ok so you got it my apple bottom is more like a squash bottom!

I get upset when people tell me not to lose weight or not to get too skinny not because they say it, but for the same reason I would get annoyed if someone tells me I should lay off the cookies. You see when you grow up being the chubby kid that everyone is trying to 'help' lose weight, your body becomes everyones project. I am so sick of everyone thinking they have a right to my body, because they don't! This is my body, its my job to take care of it and I am the only one who has the right to judge it and decide what it should look like and/ or whether it is too skinny or fat. But for some reason no one understands that. If you want to say I look good that is fine, but determining what I do with my body is no one job. When I saw that even as I was getting smaller people were still there to try and evaluate my bod and decide what I should do with it, I right then had a revelation. I told myself, self you are not a little girl and you have to set your boundaries, you want control over your body, then you will have to take it!

So one day my mother called me and I was talking about what I was doing and eating and how much I was excersizing, etc. And she did it -"well just remember don't get too skinny." And I stopped her and I said, mom you are no longer allowed to say that phrase to me anymore.  I explained that I am the only one in control of my body and unless I start to look like my health is deteriorating, to back off. She was shocked and mad to say the least. The truth is we got into a fight she saying that she is my mom an she can do what she wants. But I stood my ground and said if she said that to me again the conversation we are having will come to an end because I have decided that I get to decide how people talk about my body and I am setting boundaries. She got mad we ended to conversation on bad terms. I called my sister and she said she understood and was proud of me, but that mom is mom. Well, she hasn't said that to me anymore and I even saw her stop one of her friends who was about to say something when I said I had 40 more pounds to lose.

I love my mom dearly and I know people dont mean it in a bad way. I just had to do this for me. I sometimes feel like there is that weak scared little girl inside me who craves accpetance and love and then there is this big powerful protector who has to keep the little girl safe who is starting to come out. By deciding that I get to judge my body and no one else does, I feel like I am going back in time and saving that little girl, I couldn't do it when I was 8, but I can do it now and I may look disrespectful to my older aunts and such, but so is what they have done to me for most of my life.

I feel very free and independent. I have control and no one else. That is an amazing feeling and everyone deserves it!

Not quite the 4th of July I expected!!!

Hi all,

This weekend was not anything like I thought it would be. Friday I went to the cities fireworks with some friends. It was alot of fun. I saw my friends mom who I haven't seen in a year and got many complements it is always nice to hear about how good you look! ha ha Here is a photo from the night, me sitting with two friends waiting for the fireworks to start. I actually have my hair done and make-up on so it will be a new look for me to most of you!

So Friday was pretty good, until we made our way home. We started walking from down town to the street where the bus stops were. I had a slight pain in my lower left abdominal area. It was pretty painful as we continued to walk, but dealable. By the time we got on the bus just the movement on the bus was making me hurt.  The pain must have been obvious because someone offered me their seat. So I make it back to the house and go home instead of going out, because I just didn't feel good. So I go home and went to sleep. The whole night I was waking up with cold sweats and chills. When I woke up I realized there was something wrong. I took my temperature, I had a fever of 101.2.  So I called my mom, got a hold of a doctor. I had had a UTI all week, but I was just trying to let it work itself out, which didn't happen and the infection had moved to my kidney. So now I am on antibiotics for the next 2 weeks! Yesterday was bad. I had a fever or was breaking a fever all day. I changed my clothes 3 times because my clothes were soaking wet. And So I just layed in bed all day - it was terrible!!! I also didn't want to eat or cook or leave the house to get food so I barely ate anything. But I am starting to feel better now so hopefully the worst is over.

One good thing, I weighed myself this morning, and the scale said 200.2!!! I lost 3.4 pounds this week and I am only .3 pounds from ONDERLAND!!!! Now I don't know if that will just go back up once I eat a few meals or if it will just stay there. I can hope for the best right?? Ok well I need to take another shower (I keep showering after eat sweat out of a fever)  before work hope y'all enjoyed your fourth of july weekend more than I did!!!

BYOC commitment

hello one and all so today I tried really hard to stick to my July goals, I did pretty good, but the carbs part ( as always) is really difficult. But hopefully my eating for today will get the approval of 'Anonymous'!

9:30 - 1/2 yogurt cup - 40 cals, .75 fat, 1.5 net carbs, 6 protein
          1/4 cup of Kashi - 50 cals, .78 fat, 7 net carbs, 2.3 protein
          GoLean Ceareal 

12:00 - 2 string cheese - 160 cals, 5 fat, 2 net arbs, 12 protein

4:00 - small DQ hot     - 510 cals, 28 fat, 55 net carbs, 6 protein
          fudge sundea w
          butterscotch dip

8:30 - Chicken from work- 324 cals, 10 fat, 7 carbs, 11 fiber (net -4???? is that possible), 36 protein
          1/4 cup brown rice - 75 cals, 1 fat, 16 net carbs, 1.5 protein
          (uncooked)
          1 sugar free            - 60 cals, 2 fat, 11 net carbs, 2 protein
          chocolate pudding
          cup

Total: 1229 cals, 52 fat, 88.5 net carbs, 65.8 protein

Anonymous is not going to like the sundea, but all in all I think that is better than the last few days, I was very conscious of my eating and I hit all but the carbs on my July goal so I will tap myself on the back for that. Plus I remember when I started out and I would eat about 200 grams of carbs daily after surgery so its much much better (sticking my tongue out at 'anonymous'). I also did a little experiment for dinner tonight. I think I have decided that once I 'feel' my food, AKA I get a little uncomfortability with my band I am done. I don't wait, I dont chew better, I just end it there. Which turns into me eating less than 1/2 a cup of food many meals as I have that first bite syndrome. So Today I measured my dinner, it was roughly 1 cup, maybe a little less. And I told myself I would eat it. And after an hour I had finished it. It took me a while, but I ate the whole thing, so I can still eat good amounts, I just need to tell myself that I guess :) well, I am off to the gym and then down town to dance the night away with my most handsome boy!!

July Goals

Well I got some brutally honest feedback on my eating, and it just reaffirms what I already know. I am 1) not eating enough and 2) what I am eating if junk! To be honest, most of the time I don't feel like eating. But as much as that is great I am also then not eating until I am starving,so I either let a craving take my hand, or when I do eat I eat too fast  and then I get restriction really fast and I just stop. So its time to get back to the basics!

Goal #1

Journal my Food with calorie content, times, protein, and sugar

Goal #2

Keep calories between 1,000 - 1,200 calories
          protein between 60 - 80 grams
          sugar less than 50 grams

Goal #3

Eat every 3- 4 hours, which mean 2 healthy snacks!

Goal # 4

Work out 30 mins 5 + days a week

Goal #5

Follow my Couch 2 5K commitment
Run/ Walk 40 miles