Sometimes I just smile

OK, well I just tried to embed a video, Just the way you are by Bruno Marz. I'm not sure if it will show up, but hopefully it will. I have deemed this to my theme song, I guess you could say that I have found myself, I am so incredibly HAPPY with me, where I am who I am, how I look, how I feel. I really couldn't ask to be anything different. I am honestly taken aback by this, I never even imagined that I could ever love myself and be comfortable with who I was, there was always a little voice in my head that was telling me that I would ALWAYS feel like I wasn't good enough. Now I realize that this is not true, buuutttt I also realize that this is not a weight issue. I have been small or normal for a while now, and I didn't realize it. And I have always been funny and fun and vivacious, I have always had the potential to be who I am now - the problem was I wouldn't let myself! But pandora's box has been opened (and many of you incredible women may have had a hand in it from your comments and Chicago) and there is no turning back now, I know who I am and I like it, there is no better feeling than that. I can look in the mirror and even if I dont look so good, no makeup or terrible hair, I like who I see, which is so0o much more important than liking what you see. I have done it, and whether I ever reach 160 pounds, it doesn't matter I look and feel perfect right here everything else is just icing on the cake!!

So on to the reason for the title, I have found that now I just smile, there are a myriad of daily activities that I do that just make me smile, I am so proud of myself and I recognize it. So I thought I would go all bullet point style of all the things that now make me smile.

• When I wake up in the morning and feel my hip bones and ribs
• When I go to the dresser to find a pair of pants and know that they will all fit
• When I go into my laundry room and see the Kilamenjaro size mountain of clothes that no longer fit me
• When I work out with my trainer and look at my thighs and realiz how small they are!!!
• When I go to class and I see guys checking me out
• When I walk into a room and know that I am not the biggest girl there - not by a long shot
• When I look in the mirror and recognize that I am beautiful
• When I can walk down the street with my head up and see people checking me out
• When I can walk through campus eating a cup of icecream and not care that people are watching me eat
• When I go to a party and guys hit on me
• When I see people I haven't seen in a while and they tell me how great I look
• When people ask me how much weight I have lost, and I just answer with alot, because saying 100 pounds just feels too boastful
• Evertime I go to work and someone tells me I look smaller
• When I can go to a store/ restaurant and just say no to desert
• When I go and have a desert and feel absolutely NO guilt
• When I walk walk around the house in just a towel and it completely covers me
• When I wear heels and my feet dont hurt so bad I want to die within 5 mins
• When I sit with my legs up together and I see a little space between my thighs
• Whenever I can!!!!!!!

I am positively certain that I have never been happier in my life and I am certain that things are only going to get better and better!! Its mind blowing that I am who I am right now, considering less than two years ago I felt that life was just a black whole that I was being sucked into. Now this is not to say that I do not have bad days, there are days when I get pissed at myself that I am STILL stuck teeter tottering the 189-191 range, but that, I have learned doesnt matter as much as how I feel - I am not a number! And I wish that everyone of you - no every woman has the chance to feel like this!!!!!!!!

I have a lovely bunch of coconuts ....

And by coconuts I mean BOOBS!! Yes, I am FINALLY posting my BOOBS blog, seriously this weekend was the most amazing  weekend of my life, you all will never know how much you affected my life!! The entire weekend was insane, full of adventure, and a major lack of sleep balanced out with serious overdoses of caffiene and liquor!!! In fact it has taken me until today to feel fully recovered physically from this weekend! After much time to reflect, I am going to go all sesame street on your asses and say the BOOBS trip was brought to me by the letter I:

IN AWE

I was asolutely in awe from seeing all of these blog stars, these incredible people that I had had the opportunity to voyeristically follow as they went through this weightloss journey. It was honestly like seeing a movie star except I actually cared about you all and was invested in your stories. It was so incredible to see you all in real life, now I know that you are not some cyber figment of my imagination created by some Matrix  style system.

I was in awe of the incredible amount of weight we have lost. 1.5 TONS - that is absolutely i-n-s-a-n-e!!!

I was in awe of the wonderful people you all are in real life. You are all so sweet and loving and supportive. I was in awe of the amazing lives some of you live, you NYC fancy shmancies such as Cathrine and Jen and people like Joey and Sherri who tell amazing stories of their great husbands who love, help, and support them through this process and through life (this is something that I personally strive to have someday so it seems so great to hear it and know there is hope ha ha ). I was in awe of people who were just so comfortable with who they were as people, whether they were at goal or whether they were just getting started.

I was in awe of the organization of our AMAZING coordinators - you worked your asses off and everything came out exquisitely!!!!!

INSPIRED
Seeing all you beautiful women inspired me, inspired me to keep chugging along, and to keep growing. I was inspired by all you biatches (and I mean that in the most lovingly sarcastic way possible ;)  ) who have reached and surpassed goal. I was inspired by those of you who have had to struggle through very slow weight loss and keep going, and from those of you who have lost 100 plus and are still inching your way down.

After I sadly got into my car to leave I was on a BOOBS high, I was so inspired and ready to get back home and get started, I am  on the final stretch to getting to goal and this trip was very much needed for me to realize that I can do it, that I want to do it, and that I am READY truly ready to get to goal and be free from this world of -" I need to lose weight. "

Ya'all better watch out because I am about to become super woman and before you know it I will be at goal and I will look and feel AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!

INCREDIBLE

I have never in my life felt so accepted and loved and appreciated and HOT in al my life as I did this weekend. I have never had more people compliment me and tell me that I was beautiful and smart and sweet and many people kept telling me you don't look like you were ever overweight!! That may be the best compliment EVER as I am now slightly obsessed with my bat wings and keep dreaming about cutting them off. It was crazy to me to see people I have watched via blog world for a year now come up to me and say are you Beth and give me a big hug. Or when Steph said that multiple people wanted to help to make sure I had a place to stay as they all had read my blog and wanted me to be there - that is probably the best compliment ever - to know that people actually pay attention to what I have to say and don't just think I am whiney, well thankyou all for reading my blog and supporting me all these months!! I felt incredible when someone said " so you are the Beth everyone is talking about that is so beautiful" OMG -me???

Which brings me to another point, I guess I need to make a confession, it may be kind of obvious, but prior to our trip I did not think of myself as small, or thin - I didn't think I was big, but I thought of my body as kind of like a decently healthy young mom, you know big, but you can tell popping out a couple of kids widened the hips so I thought I was normal, but on the larger side of normal. It took all of you chicas ( and a size 10 designer dress ) to show me that I am not normal, I am thin, I have my problem areas, which yes I still want to work on, but I am not big, I am slender!! I am not fat anymore - that is something VERY hard for me to grasp as I have had to carry that weight my whole life, I know Beth the fat girl, but I don't know what it is like to not be fat, I have to learn who not fat Beth is. At one point I looked at myself on my excruciating drive home and said, I am not fat anymore - outloud, and I balled, I cried and cried and cried for a solid half hour - so in shock, so amazed, so freaked. I now know that I am not fat or big or chunky, I look good. This is hard for me, I am not sure why, but its hard to say that to myself to be proud of myself. I just keep telling myself it everyday praising how I look and loving every minute of the amazing place I am in right now . Thankyou all so much for lifting that veil from my eyes ladies, not only did you help me to see myself more realistically you lifted a burden off my back to live your life thinking you are fat is hard and self loathing and stressfull I am forever in your gratitude!!!!


I CANNOT wait for our next trip, hope to see you all sooon!!!!!!!

I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!

I just found out Liz has an emergency and cannot it to Chicago, she was going to be my roomie and I understand that things happen, but I don't know what to do as I know I cannot afford to pay for the hotel myself. I was so excited to go and meet everyone and run the 5K, but unless some group wants to have a third party, there is no way I can go wah wah!! Does anyone have any suggestions as to what I can do??

BOOBS questionare - yes blog two for the day!!

1) You’re trapped on a desert island and you can bring only 3 of your favourite foods along. What do you bring?


1. Reese's peanutbutter cups
2. Key lime pie
3. ice cream - any and all flavors

2) If you could meet any 3 people, living or dead, who would they be and why?

1. Ghandi
2. Mother Theresa
3. all of you ladies that I love and adore reading everyday(well this will be coming somewhat true in 3 days!)

3) What is your stripper name? (take the name of your first pet and the name of the street you grew up on)

Oscar Wapak - not very sexy if you ask me

4) How old were you when you lost your virginity? Alternative question if you don’t want to answer this: What is your LEAST favourite part of your bod since losing weight? Your MOST favourite since losing weight?

17
least fav body part would be my inner thighs - they are getting awfully elephanty; favourite - collarbones, arms, shoulders area

5) Do you believe in ghosts or evil spirits? Would you be willing to spend a night alone in a house that is supposedly haunted?

I dont know, maybe, I definatly won't chance it and piss off any spirits on purpose

6) What is your natural hair colour? If you dye it something completely different from what your momma gave ya, how come?

I have regular moussey brown hair, I dye my hair because its fun, I am pretty sure I have had my hair every naturaesk color possible, blonde, brown, black, red, I like it red alot, I think it goes well with my paler skin and green eyes, but I will be changing it soon!

7) Boxers or briefs? Alternatively…bikinis or granny panties?

Boxer-briefs for sure - guy thigh is NOT hot if a guy has one of those amazing round butts then show it off please!

bikinis or granny panties - honestly - neither. I am a free bird!! unless I am wearing a skirt or dress then bikinis


8) If you could only watch one movie for the rest of your life, what would it be and why? (Trilogies do not count as one movie, cheaterpantses!)

A Cinderella story, or PS I love you or Slumdog Millionare

9) What is your guilty pleasure (feel free to go straight to the gutter with this one if the spirit moves you!)

I have to pick just one??? Definately the combination of chocolate and peanutbutter and tall dark men with curly hair and an accent - gets me every time

10) How many pounds gone forever are you celebrating?? :)
 
95!! Halalooyah

When ya forget how far you've come - clean out ur closet

Hi all, you can spank me cause as usual I have been naughty, I haven't blogged in ohh ya know a week and a half, do I have an excuse - no! I have just been lazy oh yea and I guess I didnt want to have to admit to everyone that I have become miss franklin country sugar queen. I mean its bad, bad is an understatement, terrible still not even breaking ground astronomical - maybe close. OK so I will admit last week I ate a can of chocolate fudge frosting. OMG what the hell is wrong with me?? Please someone grab my fat ass in Chicago take me to a room and all you ladies must have an intevention and afterwards send me to sugar rehab PLEASE!!! I have not looked at my scale in a week, last time I checked it was at 191 hells yea, but after this terrible episode I know looking at the scale right now would not be fun, so I am trying my damnest to cut out the carbs completely as I need some detox time and maybe by Friday I will have the strength to get on the scale - maybe. Or I can just leave it at I weight 190 so I can say I have lost 95 pounds while we are in Chicago and let the truth come out on Monday when I go to the doctor's and he tells me well, fat ass, you have gained weight since your unfil :S. Thank god I will be getting a fill on Monday tho I am in desperate need of some salene.

So I did get my clothes last Thursday, I waited all day for them and I truly thought I was going to lose my mind waiting for them. Everytime I heard a truck drive by I RAN to the window to see if it was that big brown truck bringing me presents. So I told you I bought an exobant amount of clothes and I thought nothing would better describe this than a picture of the boxes of clothes I got:

I was most definately not kidding about amount right, and I will more than likely be paying this credit card bill for quite some time :S But needless to say as of now I am in textile heaven!!! Almost everything fits -wow! All of my shirts and sweaters fit but there are two pairs of jeans that need to some work and a few dresses. My ample buttom half just isnt quite there yet, but I see it as something to work for, bery shortly I am sure I will be fitting in them :)

So I did snap a some photos of a few outfits so here ya are:

Pardon my messy room in this one, I was in the process of cleaning out all my old clothes and organizing the new ones.

Speaking of which I went through all my old clothes and tried on some things I have from last year and let me tell you this was when I realized it, I am so0o0o much smaller than I was then and there is a huge difference now from even 6 months ago. And keeping with the theme I took some pics of me in my old clothes - just a warning I have not shirt on, I have my bra on, but just thought Id give ya the heads up before I flached my' belly at ya'all

These capris were seriously tight in the spring (Aprilish) and now they fall off of me, the first pic you can dee my extra space in the abdomen and to me the most amazing thing is the second one, my thighs are a trouble area and when I first started wearing these capris that were so tight on my thighs!

These sweat pants did not even fit me when I first started this journey last July and now they are enormous, this was an eye opener for me, I have a hard time giving myself credit or even acknowledging that I am smaller, but here it makes it obvious, I have lost ALOT of weight and I am on my way, I should really just congradulate myself and not be so hard on myself about this chill time in the 190's. But Im just ready to quit the sugar, the binges and the bullshit, I am ready see the numbers moving again - so why am I sabbotaging myself??? I dont really know but it time I found out or at least got my shit together.

Oh and you ladies have no clue how insanely excited (and nervous) to see you all in 3 DAYS - holy hell!

And this is why I have not found a (decent) man yet

So I decided to get on a dating cite and try to meet some hot men in Columbus that I could at least date, and well I really hate to be the type of person, but this is so bizarre that I had to show my ladies ... does it shock and amaze you as much as me??

This guy messages me and basically asks me on a date, so I check out his profile and these are his profile pics:

I mean honestly ... I think I am an open minded person, but that man likes women?? I cannot even believe it, its funny and scary and well wierd!!!!!

Ohhh man, where the hell is my manly charming hunk?? Obviously not there

I Wish Wednesday

So I think Im gonna be a follower and partake in my girl Draz's I Wish Wednesday.

I wish I could get a handle on the carbs. Mostly the sugar, I have become a carb-a-holic in the last week and its really miffing me seeing as I have also become a work-out-a-holic and I KNOW I would be in the 180's right now if it wasn't for these intense cravings/ my weak mind. I am going to pay extra attention to taking my clacium and magnesium as that sometimes helps me when I get all sugar crazy and well I guess its time for me to start talking to myself. Affirmations reallyt help me and I have learned if I beleive I can control my sugar cravings I can!! And I really wish I could see the 180's that would e amazing.

I wish I could have my clothes that I ordered on Moday right now! You have no idea how excited I am about clothes, I have never in my life been able to be stylish and trendy and well I am ready to be, I am tall and am startin to see that cute bod, so I think I will look somewhat like those girls in the catalogs (maybe they got me tho :S) I also wish that everything fits, if it does I may just have to vlog a little, my skinny clothes fit me jig.

Speaking of vlogs I wish that I could figure how to get vlogs to download onto blogger, it will upload for hours and nothing!

I wish I could eat Japenese food everyday of my life! I am eating leftovers right now and I must say delicioso!!!

I wish all you amazing ladies knew how much I love and appreciate you. I have NEVER felt so empowered, supported, and loved as I do in this community - Thankyou!! I am so excited to see you all as real people, not cyber being in Chicago, I am warning you now I may run up and hug some of you as if we are long time freinds so sorry for the weird factor in advance :) I also wish I wasnt nervous about Chicago, meeting you all is like meeting all these people I so admire and I want badly to make a good impression and be as accepted and loved in real life as I feel in my cyber world.

and finally, I wish I could meet someone, I am soo0o on the prowl (meow) I am ready ready to date, to flirt, to make out a bit ( OK maybe alot but whatever) !!