Be who you are and say what you feel because those that care do not matter and those that matter do not care 
Dr. Suess

my ticker

my ticker

I have a dream .....

Last night I had a dream. I was walking through a field that was full of people I knew from home. Old classmates, friends, family, etc. And as I would pass by each person would look at me and drop their stuff or their jaws and tell me "You look amazing!" and give me so many complements and I got lots of hugs and applauds. It was insane and it felt nice I felt loved and appreciated and even envied by those who I knew. I woke up feeling warm inside, I felt good. I felt like this is what it will feel like when I am at my goal weight.

Today I then realized is my one year bandiversary. How appropriate is that. I am on my way to goal, but really I am in a place that is so much better than a year ago. As much as it was amazing to have all those complements showered on me and to feel loved, I am realizing that those are a bonus. I have, am, and will recieve that love and it will only increase as I continue my journey. But the love and acceptance that has truly changed in the last year is the love and acceptance that I have for myself. I am now comfortable with who I am, and I am starting to be who I want to be for the rest of my life - just as I set out to from the beginning. This I know could not have happened at 285. At 285 I loathed the person I had become, I was depressed and powerless with no hope and no confidence. I truly feel that although in my dream I saw people from my past embracing me and appreciating me, the love I was recieving was from myself ans that love is the most important love one can have.

It was not that long ago that I made a vow to myself. This is a vow that I have never told anyone I know. I told myself that if I was still obese by the time I turned 25 that I was going to travel to India and climb the himalayas and off myself right there on one of those mountains. I wanted to acheive peace there, see something beautiful and then give up, because life for me was not worth living if I had to live it with my weight and my self hatred holding me down. I know this is very dramatic and hearing it I cannot beleive I made this vow to myself, especially after hearing so many of you who had full and happy lives and really loved yourselves at weights and BMI's much higher than mine. But for me I had imprisoned myself in hate and fear for so long that I thought of little more in life but that I was fat and therefore anything good about me was negated. As I have told you all this has sort of been programed into me from the way I was raised and how I felt the world thought and treated me and all other fat people.

I am so thankful for where I am now! I look in the mirror and I smile, I look at the woman in front of me and I not only like what I see I like who I see, which was not the case before. There were so many fears I had and some I have and are developing that deal with my band, but what I do know is that of all the actions I have done in my adult life embarking on this journey and having this surgery is the one thing I would not change or tweek - it has changed my life!

5 comments:

CurvasPeligrosas said...

I am so glad you had it done and are were you are now. Even though I have been big all my life never did those thoughts go thru my mind. I was a very happy voluptous woman, hehe that is how I saw myself. Even though everyone else saw me as the Fat lady :(
I am so ready for my change and I am so glad I have found you all here, your stories have helped me go thru this journey.
You are a very beautiful chika that deserves all the hapiness in life. Keep on smilling that beautiful smile you have.

Janelle said...

Wow, that's so crazy that you had those feelings about yourself. Let me tell you something. When I started the process of getting the band, I looked through a lot of blogs and wanted to see before and after pictures. Your blog is one of them I saw. I saw your before picture where you are standing in front of like the pyramids I think? I remembered that picture because I remember thinking how pretty you were before and after. I loved that before picture, and I even showed my husband and commented about how pretty you are.

Sure, it is nice to be skinny, but beauty is about more than your weight. I am glad you aren't in that bad place anymore, but just can't believe that you ever thought the weight stood in the way of your beauty, I never did.

-Grace- said...

You are so beautiful! I am glad that you no longer feel the need to make that vow with yourself. You have so ahead of you!

Drazil said...

Wow - powerful and thank God you didn't go there...this place, this Earth...would not be the same without you Beth.

Liz - Lizzle - Libby Lou said...

Awesome Awesome post! And thank you for being brave enough to share such a personal secret. I, sadly, can relate to how you felt before. I truly feel as though we are given a second chance and the sun is BRIGHTER now b/c we see it with more appreciative eyes b/c of the places we have already been in our past!

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