Be who you are and say what you feel because those that care do not matter and those that matter do not care 
Dr. Suess

my ticker

my ticker

Well first of all I woke up this morning and my handsome and charming scale wanted to make up, so it gave me a present - 219!!!!!!!!!!! I was tickled, as my mama would say. First I did a little sayonara 220's dance in my kitchen and then on my way to class I was yelling, yelling 'I'm only 5 pounds away from not being obese, 5 lbs!!!! That is amazing, it will also in fact be the lowest I have ever weighed in my adult life! When I was 17 I weighed 215 for about a week and then started the climb up to 285 by the time I was a freshmen in college!

Yesterday I was in my Public Health class, its a class on behavior and health and I love it, it really is interesting and helps me learn alot about myself and methods to take to continue healthy behavior, get to my goal weight and keep it off. So they were talking about childhood obesity and programs implemented in the Columbus area to help fight this terrible phenomena. Then there was a moment when they talked about body image. Body image is probably the worst part of my overweightedness for me. I HATE my body. I feel I have ruined it as I now am COVERED in stripes from stretch marks, I truly could be confused with a zebra, this is no joke. I have no boobs and yet my butt and thighs are gargantuous, I can spend hours pulling and prodding at things I don't like or smoothing my stomach out to see what it would look like had I not ruined it. Its really bad and I have to make a conscious effort not to touch and to look in the mirror and tell myself I AM beautiful just the way I am every time I start the obsessive negative behavior. I have gotten better, but it is a serious issue.

Well, anyhoo the speakers were talking about avoiding negative body image, and one speaker said that she remembered going to the doctor and him rubbing her belly and asking her if she was storing up for winter. Isn't that terrible? Well it made me think, its time I got out all the hurtful things that I remember, a bit of cleansing, as I am not that fat little girl anymore, I am a beautiful, intelligent curvy woman and I am no longer going to be held down by these memories.

1. In kindergarten I broke my wrist and it grew back crooked and the doctor told my mom not to worry because I would be bigger and no would be able to tell the difference - INCOMPETENT ASS HOLE
2. My grandma, with the best intentions would take me clothes shopping because it was so hard to find me clothes. And she would buy me little boys husky's because that was what would fit me.
3. My sister who is 6 years older than me told me that I needed to lose weight because she was embarrassed to tell her friends that I was her sister.
4. My mom would always say to me, do I need to put you on a diet?
5. My aunts would always bombard me and ask me to go work out with them, not my other cousins, just me because I needed it! And one time my took me bike riding up this gigantic hill and I couldn't do it, I was embarrassed and mad and threw a fit, no support, so I never went bike riding with her again.
6. All the times I was told I have a beautiful face, I was not beautiful, because I was fat, but my face was pretty
7. Every time my mom would tell me, ohh thats not going to fit you, or would not even let me try to go to normal clothes stores and we would walk into the plus sized first, or say us big girls do/ need this - I do not like labels
8. In middle school I played basket ball and my nickname was BB ( big beth) everyone pretended it was something else, but I could hear the snickering and mean things said behind my back even though I pretended I didn't hear them, during games they would chant, go BB go BB go, and it was absolutely heart breaking some days.

These moments truly hurt me and many of them I have never told a soul that I knew they were happening or how it made me feel. I feel it may be too late to confront these people, even though I really wish I could grow the balls to walk straight up to my family and friends and tell them they owe me an apology, that would truly give me some relief, but I think I would cry and make it an ordeal and I don't want that. So this will have to suffice for now, I am NOT THAT GIRL ANYMORE, and its time I move past those moments and move on.

11 comments:

Amy W. said...

Those are all hard and I am glad that you at least put them into words here on this blog. I think that it can be very cathartic and healing and might do this myself!

You are right. You are no longer that girl.

Lisa said...

I could have written that post. Some of those things are very painful. You are doing a gret job with your band! I am getting the VSG this summer. :)

- Lisa
http://inweighovermyhead.blogspot.com/

Jenny said...

Hey, new follower here. First of all, congrats on your loss!

You post really made me sad. I don't think that people realize how what they say can really mess a kid up. But I'm so glad you shared how you feel. You're doing great. These blogs are such a huge support system! I can't wait to follow your journey.

T. Michelle said...

I am totally with you as I went through the same types of things when I was younger. It especially hurt for it to come from family when I realize now that it was their fault for me being overweight. But its good to get it out and maybe you can move past it now because you are not that girl anymore. You are doing excellent! Keep up the good work! Just imagine what they will have to say when you get to where you want to be then you can bring up what they said to you before.

by the way....Draz sent me... :-)

luvs ur blog!

mallen said...

I could really relate to your post. On some levels, though I am overweight, it spoke to me as a mother as well. I was banded on 3-19-10 and think I am doing well so far. My 15 year old daughter, however, continues to be very overweight. I almost feel guilty for being banded and leaving her "fat" by herself. I know she gets made fun of and I offer to help but what I don't want to be that overbearing mom that ends up having a negative effect on my daughter by trying to help her. Do you have any suggestions?
Thanks for the insight.
Check out my new blog.
beautifulbandster.blogspot.com

Marcia

Miss Vickie "The Queen Bee" said...

I found you blog through Draz. I will look forward to reading your blogs!

Kristin said...

Hi Beth! Just found your blog, Draz mentioned it, so now you will have more followers than Madonna!

Just last night in bed I was thinking about all the indignities I've suffered because of my weight. I hope it was helpful to you to write them down, I may just follow your example and do it too.

Sandy Lee said...

Following you because Drazil told us too. LOL. But I have to go and will be back to read your journey. Glad to have found you. I'm at http://rollercoasterdieting.blogspot.com/

Maria said...

Another new follower here! Your post really touched me -- so many of those things ring true for me too. If I had a nickel for every time I heard the "pretty face" comment... we'd both be rich!

Anyway, kudos to you for recognizing the damage it does to keep hanging on to those feelings and moving on.

Maria
lasttrainoutoffatland.blogspot.com

Lisa said...

Beth, I am not going to get the band. I am going to get the sleeve. :)

- Lisa
www.inweighovermyhead.blogspot.com

Beth said...

whoops, guess I should look around before being so presumptuous, A family friend had the sleeve, he's doing really well! I'm sure you will too!

Post a Comment